


Exchanges

by egret



Series: Rehabilitated [2]
Category: The Yards (1999)
Genre: Domestic, Dominance, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Spanking, Spoilers, Submission
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-12
Updated: 2012-08-12
Packaged: 2017-11-11 23:35:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 63,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/484141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/egret/pseuds/egret
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Willie and Leo shack up. (overlong and rambling sequel to Indebted) Entire series takes place several years after the movie ends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Explanation of warning: There is no rape in this story, but one of the characters has been raped in the past and there is some discussion of that. Spoilers for the entire film.

Monday, February 16

Willie stared out the car window, watching the dirty snow and mud spattered cars fly by. They'd left the inn half an hour ago, and he could feel the vacation mood wearing off already. Willie glanced over at Leo and wondered if he was feeling it too, and that's why he was so quiet. Probably not. Probably Leo was just thinking about his driving or school or something rational, not irrelevant emotional bullshit like Willie always seemed to get stuck on. Leo changed lanes, his thick hands utterly competent on the steering wheel. Willie stared at Leo's knuckles and remembered how they'd tasted in his mouth early this morning, and how Leo had moved so slowly inside him, dragging everything out, building everything up. He licked his lips, blushing. He didn't know what was wrong with him that he'd acted like that, all needy and clingy and fingersucking. He'd made them late to check out. Now they'd hit traffic when they got to the city and everything would be stressful. 

Willie rolled down the window a little, despite the chill, and lit a cigarette. He was a little sore from all the fucking, but not in a totally bad way. He looked over at Leo again, admiring his profile. Leo was worth a little soreness. Not that it was totally one-way. Sunday morning, Leo had offered to switch places. It just hadn't seemed right, though, with Leo paying for everything the whole weekend. Nobody paid to get fucked. And anyway, it was kind of restful just to let Leo be in charge of everything. Willie looked out the window and rubbed the back of his neck. Leo had a plan for them to come back in the summer, which meant Leo planned on them still being together then, which meant Leo must be liking it OK. Willie felt warmth spreading through his chest when he thought about Leo liking it with him. He wasn't totally fucking up, then. He smiled to himself, finished his cigarette and rolled up the window. He tugged his wallet out of his pocket and pulled out two fifty dollar bills. He reached 

over and tucked the money into Leo's shirt pocket and tapped it before taking his hand away. 

Leo jumped, and looked at him for the first time in miles. “What?” “That's for you.”  
Leo felt in his pocket and glanced quickly at the money. “For what?” “My half of the deposit. For the summer.” 

Leo smiled then. “Oh, OK, thanks. I'm looking forward to that.” “Me too,” Willie said. 

The silence came back. Willie wondered what it would be like in the summer, if they would go swimming like Leo said. He wanted to climb up on Leo's wet shoulders and splash off him into warm blue water. A truck rumbled by just inches from the car window and Willie jumped. What was he thinking? It wasn't gonna be some kind of tropical honeymoon; it was just gonna be – he didn't know what it was going to be. He wasn't even sure what it had been. They could have fucked all weekend in the city. Going away had made it seem different, though, more romantic. More like a couple. Willie 

chewed on his thumbnail. Were they a couple? He was pretty sure Leo wasn't seeing anyone else, but that might just be because Leo was busy with school and didn't have time for more lovers, and he was so willing to work around Leo's schedule, so he was convenient. Driving upstate to an expensive inn for Valentine's wasn't that convenient though. And that CD full of love songs Leo had made for him – that was like something you'd do in junior high school. Maybe they were a couple. Leo had been sweet to him all weekend, treating him so carefully and gently. Willie felt himself blushing again. That's why he hadn't wanted to switch places, really. He didn't want Leo to stop babying him. Leo got real gooey if you just gave into him. He looked over at Leo again and wondered what he thought about it, if he even thought anything. Willie couldn't even imagine what Leo might think. That he'd got laid? Willie frowned. Just because fucking with Leo was special to him didn't mean it was anything different for Leo. Maybe Leo was just sweet and tender to everyone. I'm not such a fag for everyone, though, Willie thought. Not on the inside, anyway, even if I did stuff. I only feel faggy for Leo. 

Leo said, “You OK?” 

Willie realized he'd sighed out loud. He smiled at Leo and said, “Yeah.” He reached for the radio dial. “You want me to see if I can find any good radio?” 

Leo shrugged. “I'm kinda likin' the quiet.” Willie sat back in his seat again. After a few seconds, Leo said, “You don't have to be quiet, Willie. I didn't mean it that way. Go on, put the radio on if you want.” 

“No, that's OK,” Willie said quietly. “I feel quiet.” Leo spared him a quick encouraging smile and then looked back at the road. Willie took a deep, encouraged breath. “How do you feel, Leo?” 

“How do I feel?” Leo frowned. He wondered what Willie was talking about, and why he looked so strained. He felt “quiet.” What the fuck did that mean? It had been a hectic morning, once they finally dragged themselves out of bed. Or, at least, Leo had dragged himself out and started packing. Willie had lounged around for awhile, idly touching himself and smoking and looking all lost in the afterglow, letting Leo do all the work. Willie was staring at him with big eyes. Leo said, “I feel OK. How about you?” 

“Oh, I feel OK too,” Willie said earnestly. “I feel fine.” 

“Good,” Leo affirmed, and stared at the highway again. He needed to think. He felt unsettled. There was a whole pile of crap that he'd pushed out of his mind to enjoy the weekend and he could feel it rushing back in to stress him out as they got closer to the city. He wished now that he hadn't made dinner plans with Theresa, but he hadn't figured on the weekend being – what had it been? Not exhausting, exactly. Intense, that's what. A lot of intensity. Leo needed a little space to let the excitement burn off, space to do something boring and calm. The problem was that he didn't want to be away from Willie. He was dreading going to work tomorrow, and that wasn't like him. He didn't have the energy for Theresa tonight, and she'd have to wait another little while to get a look at his boyfriend and list all the things wrong with him. Leo couldn't face it feeling like this. Like what? He mocked himself. Go on, admit it, you're so mushy about him you can't even stand for her to criticize him. But why should anyone criticize Willie? They didn't know what he was really like, underneath the problems. Anyone could have problems. He heard rustling and crinkling and looked quickly over at Willie. Willie was pulling empty cigarette wrappers out of his coat pockets and separating them from their cellophane jackets. “What are you doing?” Leo asked. 

“Oh, sorting out my wrappers. Look, I even found a black one in the trash in the kitchen back there.” He held up a black wrapper, some women's brand Leo didn't recognize. Willie sighed again. “I don't know how the chick brands are gonna work. They're longer and narrower.” 

“Work at what?” Leo asked. “Are you going through people's trash now?” “It was on the top. I'm, y'know, makin' stuff outta them.” 

“What are you making?” Willie mumbled something inaudible. Leo wondered if he should leave it alone. He remembered the paper weavers in prison, staring at their hands for hours, unmoving except for that endless folding. It depressed the shit out of him. At least the weight room built you up and made you healthy. Willie looked self-conscious now and was tucking the papers back into his pocket. He'd probably just been looking to do something with his hands during the boring ride. Leo deliberately uncricked his neck and stretched his shoulders, then said, “I didn't hear you, honey. What are you making?” 

“Picture frame,” Willie said quietly. 

Leo reached out with one hand and stroked Willie's hair and the back of his neck. “That sounds real nice.” 

Willie looked startled, then said, “You can have it when it's done if you want.” 

Leo smiled quickly, and then looked back at the road. “You probably had a plan for this one. Maybe you can make me another one sometime.” 

“I don't got a plan. You can have this one. You got a favorite color?” 

"Whatever you want, Willie. If you made it for me, that's good.” Willie looked embarrassed. Leo looked steadily at the road. “Listen, I wanna say. I had a good time this weekend.” 

“Oh, me too!” Willie fidgeted, and suddenly took his sneaker off and got very busy unlacing and relacing it. After a minute he cleared his throat and said, “But all my weekends with you are good to me.” 

Leo smiled. “Most weekends I got stuff to do though, besides just, y'know, relate. It was different to just, like, relate.” Leo didn't know why he couldn't find good words. He couldn't really say usually I do more than just fuck your brains out all weekend. Though they had done more stuff too – talked and slept and ate and sledded. Fucking had been right up there, though. He wondered if Willie was sore. He wondered if he should know that. He looked at Willie and saw him smirking. “What?” 

Willie looked slyly over at him. “Nothin'. That was some great relating, Leo. Don't know when I been so related.” He laughed. 

Leo smiled a little. “I know, that was stupid.” 

Willie stopped laughing. “No, just funny, not stupid.” He grabbed Leo's hand and held it loosely. 

Leo navigated his way onehanded around a trailer truck. The road south was clear and straight and monotonous. “So, listen.” 

“Yeah?”  
“Remember I said we'd have dinner with Theresa tonight?” “Uh-huh.” 

“How would you feel about postponing that? I feel like by the time we get back, it'll be late, and it's been a big weekend, and I got work tomorrow. You do too. And I gotta return the car. And going out to dinner is just too much.” 

Willie let go of his hand, and Leo heard him swallow. After a second he said, “Sure, Leo, whatever you want. You're probably right. Are you gonna drop me off or I guess I could take the subway from, from wherever you're takin' the car?” Leo tried to process the question. Sometimes Willie was hard to follow. He rested his hand on the armrest in case Willie wanted to hold hands again. Willie said, "I can take the subway. It's no problem.” 

"No, I can drop you at your house, Willie." 

Leo pulled the car up in front of Willie's building. Willie looked at him nervously. "You wanna come up, Leo?" he asked. 

"I gotta return the car." 

"Oh." Willie looked downcast. He reached into the back seat for his duffel bag and pulled it onto his lap. He put his hand on Leo's thigh. "Thanks for my presents, Leo. I love them." 

Leo cleared his throat and kept his hands on the steering wheel. "Thanks for yours. I had a good time." 

"Me too." Willie cleared his throat. "So, I'll call you? Or you'll, we'll see each other?" "Yeah, Willie. 'Course. Whaddaya think?"  
"What are you gonna do after you return the car?"  
"Get ready for work and school, probably." 

"Oh." Willie took a deep breath and said, "OK. Call me soon, though." 

Leo took Willie's hand. "I'm definitely gonna call you, Willie. You're the best thing I got." 

Leo loved the particular surprised delighted smile Willie got when you said nice things to him. It made him look young. Leo leaned in and kissed him gently. Willie murmured some quiet protest and then subsided into mumbles against 

Leo's lips. Leo liked it; it felt like buzzing. Willie tasted delicious. Willie was saying something about the street. Leo tried to pay attention. 

They both shouted at the sharp explosive crack the rock made when it hit the windshield. Willie put his hands over his face, thinking he was blinded by broken glass, until he realized the lines through his vision were only on the safety glass of the windshield and he was actually fine. The windshield was one big spiderweb of broken glass though. The local teenage boys were standing outside jeering and yelling about the fags kissing. Leo said, "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck." 

Willie asked, "Are you OK?"  
"Pat's gonna kill me." Leo stared at him. 

Willie stared back, and his expression shifted as he realized Leo couldn't explain this to Pat without explaining a lot of other things to Pat. Willie sighed. "I'm sorry, Leo. C'mon. Let's go upstairs." 

"We can't just get out of the car!"  
"Well, we can't just sit here, Leo."  
"They're still out there!"  
"They live here. They're not gonna do anything. They're all talk." Leo waved at the splintered windshield. "That's not talk!" he yelled. Willie bit his lip. "You should come upstairs and call a garage." 

"I should just get the fuck out of this neighborhood and try to think of some way to explain it to Pat." 

Willie looked at the spiderwebbed windshield. "You wanna drive it like this?" 

Leo looked disgusted, and sighed, and then suddenly slammed the dashboard. Willie jumped. Leo said, "Fuckin' OK, I'll come up and call a garage. Goddamn it! This is so goddamn fucked up!" 

They got out of the car and locked it. Leo was whitelipped with anger. Willie looked at the teenagers and muttered "assholes" in Spanish. They told him all about their dicks. He waited for Leo to walk around the car and then they headed towards his front door. The teenagers said more about their 

dicks, and Willie told them all about their mothers. He was putting his key in the lock when pain exploded in the side of his head and he staggered and dropped his keys. He hadn't thought Leo would hit him until they were inside. He bent down to get his keys, then grabbed the doorframe and tried to fight off the wave of vertigo. His head was bleeding; he could feel it running down 

his cheek. He shouldn't be bleeding from a punch in the head. There was a small bloody rock on his doorstep. He heard confused shouting and turned slowly around, then froze, his heart in his throat. 

Leo was rolling around on the ground with Felipe, the biggest teenager. Willie suddenly understood the rock, and his head. He dropped his dufflebag, jumped down the steps, and dashed to Leo's side. Young Jorge was about to pile on. Willie grabbed his arm and yelled, "Quit it, quit it. This is stupid! Go home, everyone just go home!" He grabbed Leo's arm and switched to English. "Leo. Leo, let him up. He's just a kid, Leo. Don't hurt him. Let him up." Leo wasn't listening. Willie crouched down and grabbed Leo's head and yanked it around so he could yell in his face. "Leo!" Leo's eyes focused. "Let him up now!" He could hear Felipe panting. 

Leo said, "You're bleeding." 

"It's nothing," Willie said, feeling surreal. "C'mon, it's nothing. A kid threw a rock. Let him up." 

"The car!"  
"They're kids, Leo!" 

Leo held a fist just above the kid's face and watched him cower. Then he spat on the ground to one side of the kid's face and stood up. He looked at Willie, his eyes filled with tears. "Are you OK?" 

"Si, Papi." Willie nodded seriously. "Take me inside now." Leo stood up. Willie looked around at the remaining kids and yelled in Spanish, "Enough now, guys. Go on, get out of here. What do you wanna watch the queer guys for? You want us to show you how to do it?" Felipe scrambled to his feet and ran off with the others. 

Leo looked amazed. "What did you say?"  
Willie shrugged. "Nothing. Bullshit. Come in the house." 

Leo followed Willie upstairs. Willie dropped his duffle bag on the kitchen floor and got two beers from the fridge and handed one to Leo. Willie brought his beer to the sink, turned on the water and wet a paper towel, then tried dabbing the blood off his face. Leo walked over and took the paper towel. "Lemme see." Willie held still while Leo wiped his face and then peered at his head. "It's not deep. It's just a scrape, I think. There's a little lump though." 

"It hurts." 

Leo rubbed his shoulder. "We'll put some ice on it." "I don't got ice, Leo." 

Leo opened Willie's freezer and took out a bag of frozen corn niblets and wrapped it in a dish towel. "This'll work. Come on." He took Willie's hand and led him to the bedroom. "Lie down." Willie slipped out of his sneakers and started to take his shirt off. Leo smiled. "You can leave your clothes on. This is just medical." Willie felt stupid and blushed and lay down. Leo got into the bed next to him and reached for him. Willie frowned. It didn't feel very medical to rest his head on Leo's shoulder. It felt good, though. Leo put the towel-wrapped frozen corn on Willie's head. Leo's body felt warm and safe against him, the makeshift icepack cool against his throbbing head. Leo kept an arm around his waist, and rubbed his back soothingly. Willie curled his hand around Leo's neck and closed his eyes. Leo's voice was all rumbly when he spoke. "I was so scared when I saw you fall." 

"It was just a rock."  
"If it hit you wrong, you could die." 

Willie rubbed Leo's neck. "I didn't die, Leo. Anyway, you rescued me." 

Leo saw the teenager's angry, frightened face again. "That was kinda stupid, huh?" 

"I'm glad you're on my side." Leo hugged him tightly. Willie hugged him back. 

Willie wished they could stay like this. It felt perfect. Leo was holding him and petting him but he was still talking to him like a friend, too. It was everything great about Leo at once, which made it kind of a turn on. Willie felt himself getting hard and tried to think about something else, work maybe, or pollution, or the stock market report, but it didn't work. He pulled away a little and bit his lip when Leo looked at him questioningly. Leo pushed the frozen food off Willie's head and kissed his cheek gently. "It's OK. It's OK, Willie." he whispered. He moved his hand down and rubbed Willie's cock through his pants. 

Willie pulled further away. "I don't wanna spoil it." Leo took his hand back. "Spoil what?"  
"This."  
"What?" 

"Nothin'. Just, bein' us."  
"What do you mean?" Leo sounded genuinely confused. 

"Bein' friends," Willie whispered. "Well, of course we're friends." "Yeah, but, y'know, also." 

Leo sighed. "I know." He picked up Willie's hand and kissed his palm. He said thoughtfully, "Some people think that when you're friends too, that's like the best. That's who stays together. Cuz if, y'know, the thrill's not happening, you still just fuckin' like each other." 

Willie tried to make his voice casual, but it just came out weird. "The thrill's not happening?" 

Leo snorted and grinned at him. "That was just a hypothetical. I'm thrilled, Will, OK?" Willie smiled back and looked flustered. Leo said, "Y'know, I had a great weekend, Willie. I'm pissed about the car now, but it was a great weekend." 

Willie sighed and lay back down again. "It was the best weekend of my whole life." 

Leo snorted. "Get out." 

Willie shrugged and turned to curl up on his side, apparently ready to nap. "I'm serious." He yawned. "I never been on a vacation before." He patted Leo's hip and pulled the pillow over his head. Something about the way Willie turned was stiff and tentative, and made Leo think maybe he was sore from the weekend, best of his life or not. Or maybe his head just hurt. Leo sat up and covered Willie with the spare blanket. There was a grunt of thanks from under the pillow. He supposed Willie hadn't had much chance for a vacation what with jail and everything. He tried to remember if Willie had ever gone on a trip before that, but he couldn't remember one. He would have thought he would have taken Erica to some resort or something. Maybe her mother wouldn't let her go. Leo went to the kitchen, put the frozen corn back into the freezer and made himself a cup of tea. It was later than he'd planned now, but he hadn't counted on rockthrowing scumbags. 

Theresa wasn't happy when he called and cancelled dinner at the last minute. Leo felt bad when she yelled, even though he felt like a gaybashing incident was sufficient emergency to justify it. She was really just a warmup for calling Pat, though. Leo lit a cigarette, then dialed Pat's cellphone. "Leo!" Pat sounded 

pleased to hear from him. Probably looking forward to having his car back. "How was the hot sex weekend, man?" 

"Uhh," Leo couldn't believe he was tonguetied already. Why was it he could talk to women with no problem but men got him all worked up? Maybe he was gayer than he thought. 

"Left ya speechless, did she? Where are ya anyway?"  
"Brooklyn." Leo cleared his throat. "I'm in Brooklyn. Listen, Pat. There's, like, a problem."  
Pat's voice got serious. "What? Are you OK?"  
Leo didn't know how to answer that. Willie was hurt. "Pretty much, yeah." "What do you mean? What happened? It's OK, Leo. Just tell me. Don't worry. The car's insured."  
"Uhh, they smashed your windshield."  
"Who did? Did you hit the windshield? Are you in the hospital?"  
"No! No, no one's, it's OK. Like, vandalism. Kids smashed your windshield." "Kids? Where did this happen?"  
"Outside. I mean, in Brooklyn. Teenagers."  
"They're just ran up and smashed the windshield?"  
"We were pulled over."  
"The cops were there?"  
"No. I didn't, I don't think I should call them because I don't know what the deal is here."  
"What, they don't have cops in Brooklyn?"  
"I don't wanna, um, make trouble for, um, for my, ah, date. Who lives here." 

There was a long silence. Pat said, doubtfully, "You mean, it's like a gang neighborhood?" Leo didn't know how to answer. He felt all sweaty. He sucked at lying. Willie was really good at it. Willie would have this all handled by now. Only first he'd have to explain who Willie was and why Pat should talk to him. Pat said, "Leo? Are you OK?" He sounded honestly concerned. 

Leo realized Pat hadn't even asked what shape the car was in or anything like that. He closed his eyes. "Pat, I gotta tell you somethin'." 

"OK." Pat sounded puzzled. 

"The thing is, I'm gay now. I was with my boyfriend all weekend. I'm at his place now. I was droppin' him off and we were sayin' goodbye and some kids got phobic and smashed the windshield. One of them threw a rock at his head and, and I, I got into it with him." He could hear his voice starting to shake. That had actually been fucking scary. Not as scary as this though. "So, so that's what happened and I'm sorry and I'll totally pay or whatever to replace the 

windshield. I guess it gotta get towed but I didn't know who to call for that, so I'm callin' you. I'm sorry." 

They breathed for a minute, and then Pat said, "You're gay now?" 

"Yeah," Leo whispered.  
"But not before?"  
"No. Well, since Christmas." 

"So all the secrecy about who you're dating, cuz it was a guy?" 

"Yeah." 

"Are you OK, Leo?" 

"Yeah. I'm just, I'm sorry about the car, and, y'know, this is a little awkward." 

"Well. Alright. I'm just tryna process this. Gimme your address there and I'll have the garage send somebody to tow it. How are you gettin' home, Leo?" 

Leo thought about his empty apartment. He thought about leaving Willie alone, jumpy and sore and head-injured. "I think I'm just gonna stay here tonight. We're a little shook up." 

"Do you need anything?"  
Leo's eyes filled with tears. "No, thanks, man. Thanks for being cool." 

Pat snorted. "I'm more stunned, I think. We'll talk. Gimme that address." Leo gave him the information and got off the phone. 

***** 

Leo didn't even have any books with him to study, so he got a beer and watched TV. He was wondering if there was any decent pizza delivery in Willie's neighborhood when he heard the toilet flush. He put the clicker down on the coffee table for Willie to take. Willie frowned in at him from the hallway and rubbed his eyes. "What time is it?" he croaked. 

"6:30ish? How you doin'?" Leo smiled. Willie was all sleepy-cute and grumpy. Leo patted the couch beside him. 

Willie shuffled over and sat down. He patted Leo's knee and picked up the clicker. "What are ya watchin'?" 

"Nothin'. You look." 

Willie zipped through TV channels grimly. "I gotta get a DVD player." "News'll be on soon." 

Willie snorted and stopped on CNN. "It's all lies anyway." A bald guy in a good suit talked about the economy. 

"Change it," Leo said. Willie started zipping again. "You get pizza delivery here?" Willie nodded, staring openmouthed at the flickering TV. "Good. I'm gettin' hungry." Willie blinked and turned to look at him. He still looked sleepy. Leo smiled. "I'm gonna go to the bodega and get some beer and some milk, cuz yours is turning." 

"I need toilet paper." 

"That too, then." Willie stood up and went to the kitchen. He returned with a glass of coke and the menu from the pizza place and sat back down. Leo took the menu and scanned it. "What do you want for pizza?" 

"You're stayin'?"  
Leo looked up, surprised. "Yeah, I was gonna. If that's OK." Willie nodded. "Yeah, sure. That's good." 

"OK. You want pepperoni?" Willie shrugged and stared at the TV. Leo stood up. "I do. I'm callin'." He headed for the kitchen phone, but turned when he heard the clicker rattle against the coffee table. He turned to see Willie hunched over with his head in his hands. He sat back down and put an arm around Willie's shoulders. "Are you OK? Does your head hurt?" Willie jerked away and Leo let go. Willie moved down the sofa and glared. "What's wrong?" Leo asked softly. 

Willie's mouth worked for a minute. He dropped his eyes and stared at the sofa cushions. "Before you order food. Um. You should know." He cleared his throat. "I'm a little, I don't think I'm up for, um, my ass hurts." He swallowed. "I'm sorry. It's just, the weekend." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't want it to hurt. So maybe you don't wanna stay. But we could do other stuff, if you wanna. Sex stuff, I mean. I could totally blow you. I would like you to stay, Leo. But I--" 

"Willie." Leo held out his hand. Willie glanced at it, and then away, and then reached for it and gripped tightly. Leo smiled and tugged. "C'mere, sweetheart." Willie moved closer. Leo kissed his cheek and hugged him tight. "I'm totally stayin', OK?" 

"I just don't want any bad surprises. For me or you." 

"I'm sorry you're sore. But I'm glad that you told me about it. Lemme tell you something." Willie looked nervous. Leo put his mouth on Willie's ear and whispered. "My ass is fine. Maybe even kinda neglected. You think you could take care of that for me?" 

Willie pulled back and looked at Leo searchingly. "You want me to?" Leo smiled a little and nodded. Willie sighed happily and burrowed against him. "Stay forever." 

Leo let himself be squished for a minute and then pushed back. "OK, sugar. I gotta order dinner. Lemme up. Do you have a pizza opinion now?" 

"Anchovies!"  
"No."  
"Onions!"  
"Half onions, half pepperoni." 

"Alright." 

Sunday evening, February 29 

Willie picked at his chicken fingers and watched Leo eat ribs. Leo was getting sauce all over his face and licking his lips and his fingers. Willie thought it might be sexier if the sauce wasn’t so red and bloody looking. He drank some more of his beer and tried to think happy thoughts. Maybe Leo was right and it was no big deal. Maybe they really were equals. He poured more ketchup on his French fries and listened to the sound of the hockey game over at the bar part of the bar and grill. He’d thought at first that they were equals when Leo made him come, and then he’d been sure of it when Leo let him fuck him, but lately he wasn’t sure that had anything to do with it. He could fuck Leo all night, but in the morning Leo would still be Leo and he’d still be him, and he’d be chickenshit and fucked up and Leo would be strong and good. 

Be a fun night though. He wondered if Leo would let him fuck him again soon, but figured probably not tonight. Anyway, they’d already had sex this afternoon and Leo had to get up at some insanely early time for work, so he might not want to have sex at all when they got home. Willie briefly wondered if he was getting out of control, wanting Leo all the time like this. He didn’t like to bug him about it, because Leo would just do it to humor him, which wasn’t what he wanted either. Once he’d asked while Leo was studying and then Leo was sort of annoyed and then he went along with it and he got into bed and fucked Willie and kissed his cheek and went right back to studying. Like he’d said, hey, Leo, scratch my back, would ya? All the advice columnists Willie read every day in the paper would say he should just talk to Leo about being on top more 

often, but Willie didn’t feel right about it. He’d rather just wait for Leo to offer; it seemed like such a big deal for him. And when he did it, it was always real emotional and good. 

Willie wondered why it wasn’t always so emotional. Well, Leo was emotional, unless he was studying and being humoring, and then he was just cheerful and pleasant. Why aren’t I more emotional, though, Willie wondered. He had been at first; he’d been blissful almost every single time, all weepy and glowing and overpowered. Lately he just kept reminding himself it was Leo and that was good. And it was good. It was totally good. But it wasn’t mindblowing like it had been at first. He wouldn’t brag to his friends about it. If he had any friends to talk about that kinda shit with. Besides Leo. But obviously he couldn’t brag to Leo about Leo. Anyway, sex at the inn had been mindblowing and wonderful and happy; at one point he’d forgotten who he was and just been a good glowing feeling for a minute. 

Leo was gnawing on a bone like an animal. “You’re awful quiet, Will.” “Just thinkin'. You were hungry, huh?”  
“Mmm. Meat. How’s your chicken?”  
“It’s good.” Willie dutifully ate some more chicken. 

“What are you thinking about?”  
“Oh, nothin'. I don’t wanna go back to work.”  
“I wish you’d find a new job you didn’t hate so much, Will.” “I can’t do anything else.”  
“Sure you can.”  
“Like what?”  
“I dunno. What do you wanna do?”  
“Nothin'.” 

“Yeah, well, see? You’re good at that.” Leo smiled. Willie rolled his eyes and ate some of his corn. “I’m kidding, Willie. You should think about what you wanna do. Y’know, what you wanna be when you’re grown up.” 

“I’m fuckin’ grown, Leo.” 

Leo raised his eyebrows at Willie’s tone. “I’m only kiddin' around.” 

“Well, you can kid around. You like your job. Easy for you to joke about it.” 

“Willie, lighten up, would ya? I’m not joking about your job. I’m tellin’ you to look for something better.” 

“What’s wrong with my job?” “You hate it, that’s what.” 

“Everybody hates their job.”  
“No, Will. Everybody doesn’t hate their job. And when they do, they look for a better one.”  
“There aren’t any better ones I can do.” 

“You haven’t even looked.”  
“No one wants to hire an ex-con with no college, Leo. I looked.”  
Leo sighed. “Fine. You’re right. It’s hopeless. You’re doomed. Sorry about that. Sucks for you.” 

“Stop making fun of me!”  
“Jesus Christ, Willie. I’m just tryna talk with you.” “Well, don’t talk about work!” 

Leo took another bite of his ribs. He decided not to say that Willie had brought up the subject of work, even though it was true. When he’d first hooked up with Willie, he’d been weirded out by the gay sex, but consoled himself with the thought that at least with another man there wouldn’t be all the confusing crazy conversations and arguments about nothing that happened with women. He smiled at what a stupid misconception that had turned out to be. The sex was fine, but Willie was as insane as any PMSing chick he’d ever met. And he’d been in a pissy mood all weekend. Probably just the end of the vacation letdown. Leo thought that probably Willie hadn’t been on a real vacation in years. Maybe when he finished school and passed his exam, he should take him away somewhere for a couple of weeks. Maybe they should do that road trip to the Grand Canyon that they used to talk about. He’d have to get a car though. 

Willie was glaring at his chicken like it had offended him. Leo thought he was cute when he was mad, but he squelched that line of thought fast, because cute mad man didn’t seem to be in a very sexy mood. Which was too bad, because he’d been incredible at the inn, all relaxed and happy and intense and passionate, making the gorgeous blissful face. There hadn’t been much blissful face these past few weeks, more like a concentration face until right at the end, and once Leo had even seen a tired face and felt bad. After that, he didn’t like to push the sex too much, because sometimes he thought Willie just did it to humor him, so sometimes he sort of waited for him to make a move. He couldn’t fix anything else in Willie’s life; he could at least try to make the sex good. He probably ought to let Willie fuck him pretty soon; he never asked to even though he liked it. Leo had just been leery lately because Willie had been in such a pissy mood and he got nervous doing that if Willie seemed the least bit angry. Not that he thought Willie would ever really hurt him; it was just so emotional and intense and he didn’t like it if Willie was remote. Leo knew he was being a baby about it. His counselor said it was normal for things 

to ebb and flow as relationships adjusted, so Leo tried not to worry about this shit. 

He felt Willie’s hand on his knee and jumped. “What?” “I’m sorry I snapped at you, Leo. Please don’t be mad.” “I’m not mad.”  
“Well, you’re not talking to me.” 

“I’m sorry. Did you say something? I was a million miles away.”  
“I asked you what movie you wanted to rent.”  
“Oh, whatever you want, Willie. Aren’t there any new Japanese cartoon movies?”  
Willie smiled. “You hate those. I can rent those during the week and watch them without you.”  
Leo smiled back at him. “No Xena Hercules dragons stuff?”  
“You hate those too.”  
“No. I hate the Japanese ones. The Xena things are silly, but I don’t hate them.”  
“Let’s get one where the hero blows stuff up.”  
“OK. Are you done eating?”  
“Yes.”  
Leo paid the check and left a tip and followed Willie out of the bar and grill. They walked the four blocks to the video store. Leo got talking to Timmy, one of the guys from Lyle’s Bar on the corner, who was there with his little kids, clutching Disney movies. Over Timmy’s shoulder, Leo could see Willie getting distracted by the horror section, and crossed his fingers that he would move on to the action section before picking something that would give him nightmares all night. You would think given how much he hated the nightmares that he wouldn’t rent creepy movies, but he did it all the time, so he ended up dreaming he was locked in a cell with an alien or something. Or the time he dreamed he was raped by Frankenstein, which Leo had finally gotten him to admit was funny in a sick way. Timmy was babbling on and on about how bad the neighborhood was getting with all these new people moving in, which Leo had nothing to say about because he felt kind of new himself compared to people like Timmy. He kept nodding. One of the kids tugged on Timmy’s pant leg and Timmy crouched down to see what he wanted. 

Willie walked up carrying videos. “Can we get two, Leo? Cuz I can’t decide.” “What are they?”  
“Well, this one is Bruce Willis blowing stuff up, but I missed it.”  
“Yeah, I saw it, but we can get it. I’d watch it again. It’s good.” 

“OK, hold that one. And this one is vampire cowboys, and this one is a woman who’s different killer animals. I wanna see how they can turn this pretty little chick into a huge killer whale. Like, that’s physically impossible.” 

“Willie, turning into animals at all is physically impossible. Why choke on the whale part?” 

“Hey, I’ve choked on whale parts.” Willie winked. Leo laughed. “Seriously, it’s seriously illogical, though. There’s some scientific reason. I remember from school. Things weighing the same no matter what you do.” 

“Conservation of mass.”  
“Right, whatever. There’s a rule.”  
“It’s not, like, a rule. It’s a physical law, like gravity.”  
“Yeah, well, rule, law, same thing. Don’t get all snotty, college man. I graduated high school.” 

Leo blinked in surprise. Willie never brought that up, that he had graduated high school and Leo had flunked out. Not even years ago, when it had happened, and Willie had skipped graduation to hang out and get high with him instead. Not that Leo cared now. It was years ago, and he’d done the GED test at the community college and it didn’t seem like the horrible humiliation it had when he was seventeen and his mother couldn’t stop crying about how he’d disappointed her. He realized he was still staring, and Willie was starting to blush, though he wasn’t taking it back or apologizing. 

Timmy said, “Leo?” Leo had forgotten he was there. 

“Oh, sorry, Timmy. Just a video conference.” Timmy looked at Willie curiously. A lock of Willie’s hair had pulled free of his ponytail and hung down by his face. He was staring at the video cases in his hands, blushing. Leo pushed the hair behind his ear, gently, and put a hand on his back. He turned to Timmy. “Timmy, I don’t think you’ve met my boyfriend Will. Will, this is Timmy. I know him from Lyle’s. We both drink there sometimes.” 

Willie said, “Hi.” He held out his hand. Timmy was holding hands with his son and hesitated a moment. Willie bit his lip and dropped his hand. Timmy frowned and let go of his son and held out his hand. Willie shook it. 

Timmy said, “Hi. Listen, Leo, I gotta get the kids home. Bedtime, y’know.” “Yeah, Timmy. Have a good night. I’ll see ya around.” 

“Right. Yeah. Bye.”  
Leo turned back to Willie. “OK, so it’s Bruce Willis and the animal lady?” 

Willie looked stricken. “I’m sorry, Leo. I didn’t know you were talking to him. I thought he was just standing there with his kid. I wasn’t paying attention.” 

Leo frowned. “It’s fine, Willie. It’s no big deal. He was a little rude there, probably surprised or something. I don’t care. You shouldn’t care either.” 

“But now you can’t drink at Lyle’s anymore.” “Why not?”  
“Cuz he’ll tell people.”  
“So what?” 

“So then they won’t like you.” 

“Well, then they’re assholes. And who wants to hang with them anyway? Probably some of them already don’t like me. For chrissake. Can we get in line with our videos now?” 

Willie got in line and Leo went and stood behind him. “I am sorry, though,” Willie said. 

“You didn’t do anything.”  
“I should have paid more attention.” 

“I’d rather you just relaxed and acted normal. I’d rather the whole world knew. I’d fucking take out ads in the paper if you would just stop being so goddamn uptight.” 

Willie abruptly faced forward in the line. Leo sighed. He was being uptight though. Someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around. It was a woman with a baby in a stroller. Soccer mom, thought Leo, maybe ten years older than he was, spending every cent on her tick tick tick baby to judge from the designer labels on its bib. She hissed at him, “Would you mind? There are children here and you should watch your language and some of us adults also find it offensive.” 

Leo smiled. “Lady, I’m fighting with my boyfriend. Would you mind staying the fuck out of it? Because he is already so far up my ass tonight with his pissy attitude that I don’t need any more goddamn grief from a—“ 

“Leo!” Willie was suddenly standing in front of him and stepping on his foot. He smiled his most charming smile at the angry woman. “I am so sorry, miss. I apologize for him. He’s not really like this; he’s just had such a hard day. His dog died.” 

“Willie!” 

Willie patted his arm and said, “I know, I know, dear. Shush.” He turned back to the woman. “He’s right. She didn’t just die. We had to put her to sleep, our little Carmela, and he’s just feeling horrible about it. He held her at the vet’s and everything. She looked so trusting. It was just awful. But it’s not right for him to take it out on you.” 

The woman looked at Leo. “Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s so sad.” Leo stared at the floor and rubbed the back of his neck. The woman continued. “We had to put our dog down at Thanksgiving and I still miss her. It’s just awful. People say, oh, get a puppy, but I’m not ready yet. You can’t just replace them. They’re like people. And I'm so busy now with Mortimer here.” 

Willie was nodding sympathetically and patting Leo’s arm. Leo didn’t know whether to laugh or puke. What a little weasel he was. He saw that it was their turn at the counter and grabbed the videos out of Willie’s hands. By the time he was checked out and turned around, Willie was crouched down admiring the baby. Leo said, “Will you come on, Will?” 

Willie and the woman rolled their eyes at each other, as if in solidarity about the evils of hysterical men. They wished each other a good evening and then Willie was following him out of the store. “What the fuck was that?” Leo demanded. 

“Just keep walking before she comes out, would ya?” 

When they crossed the street at the corner, Willie burst out laughing. “What kind of fucking horrible name is Mortimer? He has a long and miserable life ahead of him with a bitch like that for a mother.” 

“You’re such a weasel.” 

“What?” 

“You were so fake!” 

“Oh, it was better to let you sincerely call her a cunt, or whatever you were gonna call her? That woulda been nice, Leo.” 

“Well, what are you? All of a sudden you’re the politeness police?” 

Willie stopped laughing. “No.” “Well, why did you do that?” 

Willie shrugged. He’d drifted over to walk along the curbstone, out of arm’s reach. “I know the part about the dog was a big lie, but it’s really kind of true, because you’re not really like that. You were just yelling at her instead of yelling at me.” 

They walked along in silence for another block. Leo couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't start an argument. He probably wouldn’t be able to drink at Lyle’s anymore, not that it wasn’t a shitty bar to start with, but it was closest to his house. Willie started kicking an empty Slimfast energy drink can down the sidewalk. Leo gritted his teeth. It was amazing how many ways Willie could be annoying. You would think he could just walk down a street without aggravation. Leo suddenly remembered New Year’s Day, when he’d bent Willie over the kitchen table and fucked him roughly, ignoring his white- knuckled whimpering. His cock twitched at the thought of it, and he felt a little disgusted with himself. He was never rough like that with him now. Willie had been so grateful back then that Leo would even touch him; he used to just shiver with excitement. Leo had assumed it was excitement, anyway. Willie had pulled ahead of him in pursuit of the tin can, having managed to get it across the street and over the curbstones. Another thing he’s good at that has no career potential, Leo thought. Though given how he’d charmed that woman, he was probably a genius at customer service. Leo had wondered how he kept his job with such a lousy attitude, but now he realized he must actually be good at it. Leo took a deep breath and thought calm thoughts. Deep blue ocean, deep blue ocean. If he wanted Willie to shiver with excitement, he should do something to excite him. Like talk sweet to him and then bend over for him. That ought to work. He hated planning shit out like that, but he suspected Willie planned a lot of shit. If he was gonna be really honest with himself, Leo admitted, the main annoying thing about Willie's dead dog performance was that it was so convincing. Willie could look you right in the eye and lie to your face with no problem at all. He didn’t even need prep time to think up a lie. Leo wondered how often Willie lied to him, and how often he believed it. Leo suddenly remembered the other New Year’s thing, when Willie had resolved to be more honest with him. 

Willie slowed down when he reached Leo’s block and Leo caught up with him when they reached his building. They went upstairs and took their jackets off. Leo put the videos in the living room. “You want me to make popcorn, Willie?” 

“Not for me, I’m full. But thanks.” “You want some cocoa?” 

Willie looked at him. Cocoa was kind of his comfort drink. “OK, sure. That would be nice, Leo. I’m just gonna change.” 

“OK.” Leo made the cocoa and made tea for himself and put them in the middle of the stove to keep warm. He headed for the bedroom to change himself, but stopped in the hallway when he saw Willie sitting on the edge of the bed hugging a pillow, still not changed. Leo considered retreating, but tried to think about what Mike had said about doing the loving thing. Leo mentally translated this into doing what his mother would do. His mother would go away if there was nothing to say, but if she didn’t know what it was, she would go in there and find out. 

Leo walked into the bedroom and sat down next to Willie. “Hey.” 

Willie sniffed. “Hey. Sorry. I’ll be ready in a sec.” He put the pillow back and stood up. He pulled his shirt off over his head and threw it in the corner with his stuff. Leo marveled at how pale his skin was against his dark hair. Willie undid his belt and jeans, shoved them down and stepped out of them, then threw them after the shirt. He started to walk around Leo’s legs but Leo reached up and put a hand on his hip, easing two fingers under the waistband of his underpants. 

Willie froze. “I just gotta get my bathrobe.” 

Leo swallowed hard and took his hand away. Willie walked past him and put on his bathrobe. Leo stood up and took off his shirt. “Will?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Do ya wanna, umm,” Leo trailed off. He couldn’t ask for it if Willie didn’t even want to be touched. It was too scary. He felt like a coward. “Your cocoa’s in the kitchen.” 

“OK, thanks.” 

He heard Willie thudding down the hall. He was a loud walker. Then suddenly the footsteps came back and Willie was back in the bedroom, looking apologetic. He walked past Leo, patted him, and got the lube out of the nightstand. He handed it to Leo and took his bathrobe and his underpants off. He smiled. “I’m sorry, honey. We can do this first, before the movies. It’ll be better that way.” He turned away from Leo and got on his elbows and knees on the bed. 

Leo felt like he was the woman in the video store and this was another customer service moment. It kinda pissed him off. On the other hand, it would be very rejecting to walk away while he was kneeling there naked. What the hell was wrong with him? He had his face buried in the bedspread. Leo sat down on the bed next to Willie and ran his hand slowly down his spine, over 

and over, enjoying the feel of his skin and the bumpy trail of bones beneath it. He said, “Willie.” There was no reply. Leo rubbed little circles in the small of his back. “I was thinkin’, when you were getting undressed, how nice-lookin’ you are.” Leo moved his hand up, rubbing circles around each little spine bump, making figure 8s. Willie sighed when he moved his hand between his shoulder blades. He pulled his knees in and dropped his butt down on his heels. Leo bent down and kissed his shoulder gently. “I got distracted by it. I really came in here to see what was the matter, but got so busy lookin’ at you I forgot to ask.” Willie pulled his elbow in so his hand was lying flat next to his head, splayed out a little towards Leo. Leo took his hand and held it. He used his other hand for more long spine rubbing. “You’re just so sexy sometimes. Even when you’re not trying. But I thought you weren’t in such a good mood. Like, you didn’t even wanna be touched. So I thought, let the man have his mood and don’t go buggin’ him just cuz he can’t help being sexy. So I told you where your cocoa was. I don’t even drink cocoa, Willie, except with you. I only buy it so it’ll be here when you come over. Did you know that? That’s all your cocoa, man. You don’t have to save me any, you can have the last one.” Willie squeezed his hand. Leo squeezed back and kept talking quietly. “So there I was, thinking I’d been considerate, even if I screwed up that finding out what was wrong bit, and then you came back. Like some little chore you gotta do before you can relax with your cocoa. And it makes me feel bad, cuz I don’t know what you’re thinking. Do you think you have to earn the cocoa? Cuz you can just have it. For free. Do you think I’m too stupid to tell the difference? Am I stupid like the lady in the videostore who just believes you if you smile nice? Do you think I don’t care? Did I do something to piss you off?” 

Willie turned his head and looked at him. His eyes were dark and wet. “I’m scared, Leo.” 

Leo held out his arms. Willie uncurled and snuggled against his chest, holding him tightly. Leo said, into his hair, “What’s scary?” 

“This.”  
“Hugging?”  
“No. Just, the inn, that weekend. It was so perfect.” “Yeah.”  
“And now it’s not anymore.”  
Leo frowned. “What’s not?” 

“Everything. I’m scared that was the best weekend of my life and it’s over.” 

“Willie! You’ll have more great weekends. C’mon, we’ve got reservations for one already. So life’s worth living until July, at least, OK?” 

“We won’t really go,” Willie said wretchedly.  
“Of course we’ll go. We have reservations. We made a deposit.” 

“You’ll get sick of me!”  
“You’re scared we’ll break up?”  
“Yes!”  
“Well, I don’t wanna break up. Do you wanna break up?”  
“No!”  
“OK, then, why would we break up? We don’t want to. So we won’t.” 

“Because it’s getting worse again!” “What is? Willie, I don’t understand.” 

“Everything! Everything is getting worse!” Willie sounded a little hysterical. He sat up and took a deep breath. Leo wanted to hug him some more because he looked so miserable, but he let him go. Willie said, more quietly, “You’ll get sick of me because I’m getting boring now. And it’s not all new anymore. And not all emotional. And I’ll probably get fired. And I’m broke. And I don’t have any friends except you. And I can’t sleep. And I’m, I’m not, I’m getting used to you, so I can’t forget everything else, and if you leave it’ll be even worse! And how will it ever be better when it’s worse! And I’m doing it now! See?” 

“See what? What are you doing?” 

“I’m driving you away. You don’t wanna hear it. Nobody does. Just fuck me, Leo.” He got back on his hands and knees and waited, hanging his head down. Leo felt irritated. And fed up. Willie wasn’t listening to him at all. Probably he thought everything except fucking was too complicated for stupid Leo to understand. Leo sat up slowly. Willie sighed and said, “Sometime today, huh?” 

Leo actually felt his patience snap with a twang in his head. Without thinking, he slapped Willie’s ass hard and said, “Who do you think you’re talking to?” He was so sick of Willie treating him like the problem when he was the only one trying to fix anything. He slapped him again and said, “Who are you to boss me around? I’m not some kinda sex slave, even if you think you are.” He slapped him again and waited for Willie to get up and hit him back, or storm out of the room, or do something. Willie didn’t move except to spread his legs a little more. He was panting and blushing. Leo narrowed his eyes. This was turning Willie on. Strategically, Leo slapped him again and said “You should have some 

respect for me even if you have none for yourself.” He thought his mother had said that to him once. At first he thought Willie wasn’t reacting, but then he saw Willie’s toes curling and uncurling. Willie looked a little embarrassed, but he was getting hard. 

The hard-on was decisive. Leo wished it was doing a little more for him, but if Willie liked it, Willie could have it. Sitting back further on the bed, he twisted around, grabbed Willie’s legs, and dragged him back diagonally so he lay over his lap. Willie yelled “Hey!” indignantly and dragged half the bedspread with him. He struggled and yelled, “Let go of me!” Leo almost did until he noticed what a showy and ineffectual struggle it really was. Willie wasn’t even really trying. Except maybe to save face. 

He grabbed Willie’s waist firmly and said, “You hold still. If we’re gonna do it, we may as well do it right.” He started spanking in earnest, trying to remember things his mother used to say when she was irritated. He came up with, “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but it’s gonna stop right now.” He kept spanking about as hard as the slaps had been, watching his handprints appear and vanish again against Willie’s adorable white butt. 

Willie spluttered and said “Stop! You can’t!” and flailed about as if he were being overpowered, but Leo noticed none of his supposed punches connected. He thought a lot of the flailing was an attempt to distract from how he was humping himself against Leo’s thigh. It was kinda hard to miss up close though. Leo made sure to give him an extra hard smack every time his butt rose up. The flailing slowed down until Willie was pretty still, except for the humping, and he stopped complaining and just panted and grunted. 

Leo found himself settling into a rhythm and tried to mix it up a little more. He noticed his handprints weren’t showing up anymore since Willie’s behind was sort of pinkish now. Leo wasn’t sure how long this was supposed to go on. “I’ve had just about enough of your attitude, Willie,” he ad- libbed. “I wanna see some definite improvement.” 

“I’ll be good, I’ll be good,” Willie said in a small breathless voice. Leo stared at him and forgot to keep spanking. Willie’s squirming hips froze too, and he made a little whiny noise and pulled on the bedspread more where his hands held it on either side of his head. 

Leo collected himself and spanked some more. The squirmy humping resumed. Leo cleared his throat and said, “You bet you’ll be good by the time I’m through with you.” He had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing at how strict he sounded. Willie was obviously in some deeply weird headspace, but he was getting off on it so there was no point ruining it for him. He heard Willie’s 

breath hitching and thought he was crying for a second until he gasped and shuddered in Leo’s lap. They both froze again. Leo could feel a damp spot soaking through his pant leg. Willie covered his head with his arms and Leo guessed he was mortified. It was probably better to keep smacking him like nothing had happened; he could just change in a few minutes. Willie’s hitching breaths came back and Leo realized he really was crying. 

“I’m sorry, I’ll be good now, I’ll be good,” Willie sobbed. 

“Oh, you’ll be good alright, good and sorry.” Leo felt a little weirded out; it seemed so strange to hear crying and not be comforting. He wondered if he could stop now. He didn’t seem to have done any real damage, but Willie’s ass had gone from pink to a definite red and more to the point, his hand was starting to hurt. Willie was just lying there and taking it, though, and Leo didn’t know what the signal for enough was. It had to be hurting; Willie’s butt felt warm even to his smarting hand and he was starting to clench and squirm in an ouchy way different from the earlier humping. The sound of smacking was getting monotonous too. He wished he could see Willie’s face but he was still hiding his head. Leo decided to do a grand finale and call it quits; he figured ten more really hard smacks and if that wasn’t good enough, then Willie wanted more pain than Leo felt good about. Willie yelped at the first hard smack and on the second one his crying shifted from the sniffly little sobs to a heartbroken wail that seemed to come from deep in his chest. Leo revised downward, hit him three more times, and stopped. “I hope you’ve learned your lesson now,” he said. 

Willie kept making that heartbreaking sound and didn’t move at all. Leo wasn’t even sure he’d realized the spanking was over. He’d never heard him cry like that before, ever. Leo hadn’t cried like that himself since he was too small to be embarrassed by it. That’s what was weird about it, Leo thought, it was completely unembarrassed. He didn’t know what to do. It sounded sort of cathartic and he didn’t want to talk and break whatever spell it was. He settled for rubbing Willie’s back again, his default gesture. He wished Willie would move so he could get up and change, but Willie was limp and boneless. Then Leo remembered he was in charge here, not Mr. Naughty Boy, at least until he came to his senses. He put his hands on Willie’s ass and rubbed it a little. His skin felt hot and tight, and Leo frowned. The crying slowed down some. He said, “Well, I hope you’ll be better behaved from here on in.” 

Willie gulped and said, “Si, Papi.” 

Leo’s jaw dropped. He shut it with a click and swallowed. His brain was yelling at him about weirdness. He told his brain to shut up a minute and said, “OK, good boy. You can get off my lap now, but you just lie there on the bed and 

think about how things will be better from now on.” Leo held onto Willie until he got his legs under him and guided him onto the bed. He patted his hair a little, and Willie stroked at his arms gently, sniffling. Leo took his clothes off and threw them in the corner, slipped into his bathrobe, and headed for the kitchen to get some water. When he reached the door Willie called him, anxiously, “Leo?” 

“I’ll be right back, hon. I’m getting you a drink of water.” 

Willie looked at him in open adoration and nodded before putting his head back down. Leo froze again and swallowed hard. He hadn’t seen a look like that since the holidays. Not even at the inn. Leo felt his hands start to shake and went to the kitchen for more water. Christ, that was the look that started this whole thing. He ran cold water and splashed some on his face before taking a long drink. He hadn’t realized how much he missed that look. He told himself to get a grip. Someone here had to be a grownup. He got a glass of water for Willie and on the way back to the bedroom, he grabbed some aspirin and some aloe vera gel. Willie looked up when he came in. Leo sat on the bed. “Here’s your water, baby.” Willie propped himself up on his elbows and drank thirstily. “Hey, hey, slow down. Save a little. Take these.” He shook two aspirin into Willie’s hand and watched while he swallowed them. He grabbed the tube of aloe vera and straddled Willie’s legs. 

Willie looked back in alarm. “I’m good now though.” He sounded a little scared. 

Leo stared at him and then realized he thought there was more spanking coming. “I know. It’s OK.” He squeezed some gel onto his hands and smoothed it over Willie’s butt. Willie shivered. Leo rubbed it in gently. Willie was hiding his face in his arms again. Leo got up and found his bathrobe and spread it over him so he wouldn’t get chilled. 

Willie flung his arm back and pushed the robe off. He twisted and looked up at Leo, that adoring look again. He grabbed Leo's wrist and tugged. Leo was surprised, but maybe Willie needed more comforting. He lay down beside him and snuggled up and wondered if it was too early to turn in for the night. Willie twisted in his arms and put his face close to Leo's, making his "kiss me" face with half- lidded eyes red from crying. Leo kissed him, and was surprised when Willie claimed his mouth hungrily and rubbed against him. Willie's hardon prodded at his stomach. Leo leaned into the kiss, pushing Willie 

onto his back. Willie whined into his mouth. Leo pulled away. He hadn't meant to hurt him. Willie's hands locked behind Leo's neck and pulled him back down. Willie kissed him harder and whined and squirmed beneath him. Leo felt a hand 

slip under his robe. Willie slid his fingers around Leo's dick and smiled, stroking. Leo sighed and bit his lip. Willie kissed him again. He kissed all along Leo's jaw, still stroking, his thumb moving to the most shivery spots Leo had, and whispered, "Ain't you gonna teach me a lesson, papi? I got to learn." 

Leo reached for him but Willie pulled back and turned away to kneel and bend for him, presenting Leo with his sore red butt. Leo rested his hand on one cheek and heard Willie hiss, saw him twitch a little. Leo took a breath. "You sure it's a good idea?" 

Willie twisted at the waist and looked back over his shoulder. "I shoulda thought of that before, tell me." 

"This is freaky."  
"I totally deserve it." 

Leo stared at him, squinting a little, trying to judge his tone. "This is serious shit, Willie." Willie sat back carefully on his heels and covered his face with his hands. His shoulders looked hunched. Leo sat up and wrapped an arm around his waist. Willie's dick was flagging and he was breathing in big gulps. "Will?" Leo asked. 

Willie took another deep breath. "Am I bein' gross?"  
Leo was surprised. He didn't feel disgusted, just afraid of being mean. "No, Willie. You're not gross." 

Willie was still covering his eyes. "You keep sayin' no. Do you want somethin' else?"  
"I don't wanna hurt you." 

Willie put his hands down on his knees. His face looked bleak. His eyes flicked at Leo and then away, cast down. Willie tapped his own chest and whispered, "Hurts." He squeezed his eyes shut, and his long lashes, wet and spiky, looked like ink against his paper-white cheeks. 

Leo felt like he was burning up. He'd fallen into a fiery pit of Willie, he thought incoherently. He leaned down and kissed Willie's breastbone, where he'd tapped. "We can fix it," he whispered. He piled some pillows in the middle of the bed and nudged Willie's hip. Willie started to shiver again but he lay down over them and spread his legs wide. Leo lubed up his fingers and just stroked at Willie's asshole carefully for awhile. Willie's breathing shifted. Leo wished he could see Willie's face. Willie made him wish he had more to offer than his dingy ugly bedroom in the outer boroughs. Willie belonged in a penthouse somewhere with silk sheets. Leo swallowed hard and slid his fingers gently 

inside of Willie, listened for the little noise he made under his breath, watched how his hips shifted. The bright colors of his mother's crocheted afghan seemed to leap off the bed at him, peeking from the tangle of shoved aside sheets. The important thing was that this was Willie, his Willie, and they were totally together. Leo hurried to get a condom and add more lube and get his cock positioned. It looked hot -- his red dick against Willie's red ass -- though the condom kind of wrecked the view. He slid into the tightness and Willie whined, ending in a squeal when Leo's hips pressed against his sore ass. Leo held still and tried to control himself a little, and rubbed Willie's back. He was so hot and sweaty. It was like fucking an oven, like the condom might melt. "Will?" 

"Oh my fucking god," Willie said clearly. 

Leo forgot about the rubber and fucked him for real, in earnest. Willie shrieked and called to god and yelled "no" a lot, though Leo decided "no" didn't mean "stop." Willie kept his arms stretched out above his head and didn't move them, although he was otherwise writhing, and Leo understood he was pretending to be tied up, which was hot for him too. Controlling Willie, keeping him from all that destructiveness. God, I am like his papa, Leo thought, barely coherent as his climax approached. He slammed into Willie and heard him moaning "Jesus, Leo, Jesus, oh god" over and over, and then release deafened him for a space. The next thing he heard was quiet, gentle sobbing, and he opened his eyes and leaned on one hand so he could pet Willie's hair with the other. Then he pulled back and pulled out as gently as he could, tied off the condom and threw it off the bed. He stroked Willie's ass for a minute, admiring the redness more than ever, then helped him roll off the pillows. Willie's body was slack, his arms still over his head, and he sounded like he was crying with relief more than anything else, though Leo was pretty sure he was sore now. He lay down facing Willie and pulled Willie's arms down from their imaginary cuffs and wrapped them around his own neck. Then he kissed Willie gently. He reached down and found Willie's dick soft and damp and tender, since Willie flinched a little. Leo hugged him tightly. "Baby?" Willie threw his leg over Leo's and buried his face in Leo's neck. 

Monday morning, March 1 

The alarm went off. Willie turned it off and sat up, his legs over the side of the bed, then he frowned and stood up fast. His ass hurt. He rubbed it and shut his eyes as the memory of last night started to explain why his ass hurt. God, he was pathetic. He wondered if Leo was mad at him this morning, or laughing at him. He tried to imagine Leo telling the other hospital workers how funny it was to spank his cranky boyfriend. Probably Leo wouldn't tell anybody. Leo was nice that way. 

He tried to get a good look at his butt in the bathroom, but Leo's medicine cabinet mirror was too high up. Apart from his sore butt, he felt good this morning. Refreshed. Probably from all the crying he did last night. He'd hardly dreamed at all, just slept and slept. It was amazing how great you felt when you had enough sleep and a refreshing shower. He put on the radio while he was getting dressed and listened to the weather and sang along with some oldies station Leo kept on there. Leo really was fatherly with his oldies stations. He was whistling his way to the kitchen and coffee he could practically smell already. 

"Good morning, baby," Leo said. 

Willie shrieked and jumped. Then he stared. Leo had coffee made and on the table and there were also donuts. What was Leo doing here? He should have been at work hours ago. "You scared me. I didn't know you were home." 

"I decided to go in late. Have some coffee." Willie sat down and then frowned. He'd have to remember not to throw himself into chairs today. Leo said, "Good to hear you singing in the morning." 

Willie blushed and smiled. "I'm in a good mood." He sipped his coffee. "Coffee's great." 

"Good." They drank coffee in silence for a few minutes. Leo said, "You want me to cook you eggs or anything?" 

"Oh, no, thanks. The donuts are good." "Not very healthy." 

Willie shrugged and smiled his charming smile. "I'll have a salad for lunch, ok, Papi?" 

Leo smiled back. "Is this a thing now? The Papi thing?" 

Willie blushed. He didn't know what to say. What made something an official thing and not just some stupid thing? "What if it was? A thing?" he hazarded. 

Leo bit into a donut and powdered sugar drifted down onto his dark green scrubs. He chewed for a minute and then said, "OK by me. I don't mind spankin' ya. Long as you're OK with it." 

Willie put his donut down. His stomach felt all nervous now. "I- I don't want that all the time." 

Leo smiled again. "You're so excited. You should see your face." "I'm serious!" 

Leo stood up and stepped over to hug him. "I know. I understand. Not all the time. Only when Papa thinks you need it." 

Willie leaned his head against Leo's flat stomach. "How will you know though?" 

Leo's stomach shook with his laughter. "Oh, I'll know, Willie. You're not so subtle." Willie looked up at him and Leo smoothed his hair. "When you're all crabby and rude and difficult, for one thing." 

Willie closed his eyes and leaned into Leo, enjoying the petting. He wished he could stay here all day. "What if I'm good?" 

"You're always good. But when you're well-behaved, I suppose there's rewards. I'll have to think of something." Leo sounded amused. Willie tickled him. Leo squirmed and laughed, and Willie giggled. He wrapped his arms around Leo's waist and pulled him down till Leo was sitting in his lap and smiling down at him. 

Willie hugged him as tightly as he could. "You're my reward." 

Leo kissed him and rubbed his shoulders. "You're mine, too." He smiled. "You're all mushy this morning." 

Willie shoved him. Leo was kind of heavy. "You make me mushy. Get up. I gotta finish my coffee and go." 

Wednesday evening, March 17, St. Patrick's Day 

Willie nodded at the inquiring faces of the men at the front of the bar. "Buenas noches," he said quietly, without stopping. There was a murmur of greeting. At the back of the bar, the woman still had her fryer going. Willie sat down and, when she turned to him, ordered three tortillas and a beer. He put money on the counter and the woman nodded and turned back to her fryer. Willie lit a cigarette and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later, the woman served him a cold bottle of Dos Equis and a paper plate of perfect, piping hot corn tortillas, stuffed with peppers and some kind of spiced meat paste. Maybe it was beef. Willie didn't care what it was; it was delicious. He ate them slowly, closing his eyes to taste them better. 

He was glad now that he'd left the enforced Irishness of the overcrowded Manhattan bar and come back to Sunset Park. It was a lot less pressure. And he 

couldn't imagine Leo sitting in this bar with him, even for a minute. He swallowed the last bit of tortilla and chased it with some beer, then sighed and lit a cigarette. He stared at the wall and smoked. He missed Leo. He hadn't seen Leo since Monday morning, which was only two days ago, but Monday morning hardly counted because it was just a quick kiss goodbye. And Sunday nights were depressive because it meant the weekend was over, and Leo always panicked about stuff he had to do for school and got all distracted. Before that it had been nice though. They'd made love in the morning and then Leo had taken him out to a long delicious brunch. They'd sat and read the paper and sipped their Bloody Marys like some old married couple, and the sun had come in the restaurant window and lit up all the red glints in Leo's hair, so he looked like a saint, sitting there reading about the Yankees. Willie wished he had a camera sometimes for that shit. Maybe he should get one of those new phones that take pictures. 

He sighed and stood up and stretched. He smiled gratefully to the woman and walked past the men again. They nodded again and then he was out in the twilight and walking back to his empty apartment. He couldn't even call Leo. He told himself to stop obsessing. He would see Leo Saturday, so in three days. Leo was busy during the week anyway. Willie let himself into his apartment and got another beer out of the fridge. He flopped on the couch and flipped on the TV. The thing was, usually Leo was busy during the week, but tonight, he happened to know, Leo wasn't busy, Leo had taken the night off to go out drinking with his friends and hear some stupid fucking accordion band. His buddy Pat had phoned on Sunday afternoon to organize the whole event, and Leo had been happy and pleased and looking forward to it. Willie had been shocked. He'd tried dozens of times to get Leo to take off a night during the week, and Leo had refused every single time. Leo didn't even seem to notice the inconsistency, but just babbled on happily about how great it would be to see his friends. Willie had gone so far as to say the friends sounded nice, but Leo still hadn't invited him along. 

It doesn't make any difference, he told himself. If he's at work ignoring you or out with his friends ignoring you, what's the difference? And anyway, you'll see him over the weekend, it's not like he always ignores you. Willie hugged his knees and tried to find something better to watch than a rerun of Teen Titans. There was nothing. He stared at the cartoon and remembered Sunday morning, and how Leo had looked right into his face, right into his eyes. He'd felt so good and close. He didn't understand how that same face could be ashamed of him. Well, of course he understood it, because it was embarrassing and disgusting for Leo to be with him, but it didn't feel right. It felt wrong. But the whole thing was wrong, so how could this be any more wrong than anything else about it? Because usually it felt wrong in a good way, in a feels so good who cares if 

it's wrong way. But this was more of a yucky feeling. Not like jail though, he hastily reassured himself. Nothing like jail yucky. 

He dreamed about jail that night though, horrible things, trapped things, and woke up with a jerk at two in the morning, gasping for breath, his heart pounding. He pushed everything away, shoving everything off him, telling himself it was fine, it was just a dream, and of course Leo hadn't been there because Leo hadn't been in jail and Leo hadn't been watching them at all. Plenty of people had watched, but not Leo. Even if Leo had been there, he wouldn't have watched. Maybe he wouldn't have helped him, but he would have left and not watched. Willie shivered and sat up and realized he was chilled because he was wet because he'd been so scared he'd pissed himself and the bed and the sheets. "Fuck." He stood up and pulled his wet underpants off and started to yank the sheets off the bed and then realized he hadn't done laundry and didn't have any clean sheets. That's when he gave up and let himself sit on the floor and cry. He hated crying. It made his head hurt. It made him feel like an animal making stupid noises that didn't mean anything. He cried harder, and then there was banging on his door. His fucking neighbors won't even let him cry in peace. Well, fuck them. He paid good rent to cry here. He heard the door bang against its chain and frowned. How did the neighbors get a key to his apartment door? He stood up and looked for his bathrobe and then he heard Leo yelling "Willie!" 

He ran naked for the living room. Leo was peering through the gap between the door and the doorjamb, redfaced and huddled in his black leather jacket. "Leo!" 

"Open the fucking door!" 

"Stop pushing, I gotta close it!" Willie fumbled the chain off and stepped back and then Leo was looming in front of him. Willie unzipped his leather jacket and pushed it out of the way and pressed himself tightly against Leo's chest. He wrapped his arms around Leo's waist and held on hard. Leo chuckled and hugged him back. 

Leo kicked the door shut behind him with his foot. "You'll give the neighbors a show." He nuzzled at Willie's neck. "D'I wake you up, baby?" 

Willie smelled booze. Leo was wasted. Willie took a step backwards and looked cautiously at Leo's face. He was smiling, but he looked a little lechy. Willie's stomach turned over. He wasn't sure he could do sex things right now. He bit his lip and frowned at the floor. Of course he could do them. He just didn't feel like it. But if Leo felt like it, if this was a booty call, then that was the important thing. It was good that Leo would come out here instead of cheating 

on him with someone closer to home. Leo took his jacket off and threw it on the couch. Willie forced a smile. "I'll be right back, Leo. You want a beer?" 

Leo frowned. "I want a cup of tea. I think I had enough beer." 

"OK." Willie put the kettle on and then ran in the bedroom and got the lube and some extra pillows and the dry bedspread. He came back to the living room and pushed the coffee table aside and spread the bedspread over the floor. The kettle whistled and he went back to the kitchen. He fixed Leo's tea and brought it into the living room, resting it carefully on the edge of the coffeetable. Then he turned the lamp on low, turned the overhead light out, and put the Spanish station on the radio really quiet. He got down on all fours on the bedspread and put the tube of lube and a wrapped condom near his feet, then looked back over his shoulder at Leo and smiled. "OK, Leo." 

Leo stared at him. "OK, what?" He sipped his tea. "What are you, the fucking buffet? Where's your clicker?" 

Willie sat up on his heels and turned to face Leo, fighting the impulse to cover his dick with his hand. Leo had already seen everything about him. He stood up and turned the radio off, then found the TV clicker on the floor and handed it to Leo. "Do you want porn on?" 

Leo snorted. "No." 

"OK." Willie dragged a pillow over to the floor in front of Leo and knelt on it. He reached for Leo's zipper and froze when Leo grabbed his hand. 

"Willie! Are you, what are you doing?" Willie stared up at him and ran his tongue around his lips. He saw Leo's eyes flash. Leo's voice was a little rough when he said, "I mean, I know what, why, I mean why are you?" 

"Cuz I love to," Willie purred. "I love your big cock in my mouth." 

Leo frowned at him. He let go of Willie's hand and stroked his face instead. He said, "Don't be mad, OK? I think I'm too drunk." Willie stared at him. Leo tilted his head and smiled down at him. "C'mon, don't be mad. I'll make it up to ya later. I'd offer to blow you, but I'm scared I'd get pukey, cuz I'm already a little, y'know, best I don't talk about it." Willie stared at him. Leo asked, "Aren't you cold?" 

Suddenly Willie was freezing and shivering. He clutched at Leo's knees and buried his face in Leo's lap. Leo tugged on his arm and said, "Come on, come up here next to me, baby." Willie climbed onto the couch and Leo pulled the fake Indian rug from the back of the couch and wrapped it around him, pulling him 

in close for a warm hug. "Are you OK, Will?" Willie snuggled. It was like free snuggling with no sex job first. "Will?" 

"Um. Yeah. Are you?"  
"Shitfaced. I feel like you're not making sense. Is that you or me?" 

"I'm tired."  
"Me too. Let's go to bed."  
Willie sat up. "Oh! We gotta sleep out here."  
"Why?" Leo narrowed his eyes. "Is someone in there?" Willie snorted. "No." 

Leo glared at him and detached himself and stood up. He marched out of the living room. Willie got up and followed him, tugging on his arm. "No, Leo! Don't go in there! It's just dirty, that's all! You can sleep on the couch!" 

Leo stood in the bedroom doorway and snapped the overhead light on. He stared at the rumpled bedding. There was an obvious large dark wet spot on the light blue sheets. There was a long silence. Willie heard himself wheezing and tried to stop. He wished he could just die. Leo walked over to the bureau and opened the top drawer. He took out a pair of underpants and held them out to Willie. "Put them on." Willie did. Leo handed him sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and he put those on too. Leo picked up a plastic shopping bag from the floor and dumped out Willie's shaving cream and new razors, then put another pair of underpants in the bag, along with socks and Willie's comb. He grabbed Willie's shoes and his work clothes from where they were laid out for the morning, and pushed Willie gently towards the door. Willie heard him calling a car service on his cellphone, but when he looked, Leo said, "Put your jacket on, baby." 

"It's 2:30 in the morning," Willie whispered. 

"And it's chilly out there. Where's your sneakers?" Leo herded him out the door, locking up carefully, and downstairs to the waiting towncar. He gave the driver his own address in the Bronx and then pulled Willie into his arms. "Take a nap now while we drive up there, tired baby." Willie tried to be ashamed for the driver to see them, but then he ran out of energy and just flopped his head down in Leo's lap and curled up on the comfortable padded seats. Leo held onto him and rubbed his back. 

Leo leaned down and said, "C'mon, honey, wake up so we can go inside." He patted Willie's butt sharply. "C'mon, we're here." 

Willie struggled upright and blinked. "Where?" 

"My house. Come on. Outta the car." 

Willie climbed out of the car and waited, bewildered, while Leo paid the driver. One of Willie's feet had fallen asleep and he stomped it experimentally. The car sped off and Leo turned to him, took his hand, and led him gently up the stairs and into his apartment. 

Inside, Leo led him right to the bedroom and undressed him. "You gotta use the bathroom?" Willie shook his head. "You thirsty?" Willie shook his head again. Leo pushed him backwards. "OK. Lie down." Willie moved over against the wall and blinked, struggling to keep his eyes open. Leo flopped down beside him and wrapped an arm around his waist. He still smelled like booze. Leo said, "Go to sleep now. You're OK. I gotcha." 

Willie thought about how that didn't even make any sense since Leo was practically passed out himself, but before he could finish thinking about it his treacherous body relaxed and went to sleep. 

Thursday morning, March 18 

Good smells and kisses, Willie smiled. Fingers brushed his face and more kisses and he opened his eyes. Leo. He knew it was Leo. There was faint graygreen morning light. Leo left so early. Leo smiled sunnily. He looked pale and his eyes were bloodshot but he smelled like toothpaste and aftershave. "Good morning, sweetheart." 

Willie pushed himself up. "Leo." 

"Don't get up. I gotta go. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have touched you." 

Willie grabbed at his arm. "No. Wait." 

"I gotta have coffee and go." Leo got up, the bed shifted, and Leo left the room. 

Willie struggled out from under the covers and followed him. He grabbed Leo's robe from the floor and put it on, then stumbled out to the kitchen. "Leo!" 

Leo was pouring coffee. "You should go back to bed."  
Willie squinted at the clock. It was five-thirty am. "I want coffee too."  
Leo handed him a glass of orange juice. "No you don't. You got three hours of sleep left."  
Willie stared at him and tried to think what to say. All he could think of was "Don't leave" and that was too clingy. He could still feel those little kisses on his 

face, those nice I-like-you kisses, and he hadn't even done anything nice, he'd just been asleep. He put the juice on the counter and his hands on Leo's hips and pushed Leo backwards against the counter. Then he dropped to his knees and tugged on the waistband of Leo's scrubs. Leo sighed and put his coffee down and grabbed Willie's hands. "No, Willie. Come on. Stand up." 

Willie pressed his face against Leo and pressed his mouth against Leo's dick through his pants. It twitched and he smiled. Leo shifted and slid down to sit on the floor. He pulled Willie into his arms and hugged him. "What are you doing to me, baby? I don't got time for that now. Unfortunately." 

"Don't take so long," Willie whispered. He could feel himself blushing. 

"What about you though?" Leo's voice was very quiet and low. He kissed Willie's ear. "I'd feel bad to just leave you." He petted Willie's hair. "Let's wait till we have time to do it right, OK?" 

Willie tried to make himself deny that he got turned on sucking dick. He didn't always. Just with Leo. He didn't know what to think about the rest of it. Leo was always doing stuff for him. Kissing him and stuff. It was so early, he wondered if he was dreaming this. He wished they were back in bed. He said, "Why'd you bring me here?" 

Leo looked puzzled. "What, last night?" Willie nodded. Leo rubbed his arm. "You seemed a little messed up, that's why. I didn't think you should be alone." 

"So you just took me outta my house?" Willie didn't understand what the point was if they weren't going to fuck. He stood up. 

Leo stood up too. He looked very serious. "You needed to be with me." "But we didn't do anything!" Willie protested. 

Leo put his hands on Willie's shoulders and pushed him firmly into a chair. "We did what I thought was best." 

Willie stared at the floor, confused. He was so tired. Leo must be tired too. Why had Leo even come to his house? He didn't understand what Leo wanted. Leo rubbed his back. "Don't worry, sweetheart. I'm taking care of you." 

"I can take care of myself!" Willie yelled suddenly. He jumped away from Leo's soothing hands and stormed out of the kitchen, back to the bedroom. He stood in the middle of the bedroom, rubbing his face and trying to think. He just wanted to get back into bed, but that didn't seem to go with his little outburst. 

Shit. Had he talked himself into having to storm out? He just wanted to sleep more. Why the fuck had Leo interfered with him last night? 

Leo appeared in the doorway, as Willie had expected. His stomach flipped over and he shook himself. What was he being nervous about? He was a grown man. Leo strode across the room and grabbed the rolled collar of his bathrobe. "You're taking this off, now," Leo said and yanked the bathrobe off of him. Willie let it go, thinking he would get dressed. Before he could take a step, Leo grabbed him around the waist and smacked his ass, hard. Willie yelped and jerked away but Leo's grip didn't even loosen, and his other hand was smacking and smacking, stinging first one buttock and then the other. Willie raised his arm to drive his elbow into Leo's head, and then realized he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to hit Leo hard. Leo was smacking hard though, and his ass was stinging, and all he could do was dance from one foot to the other and whimper. He was crying, too, mostly out of embarrassment, though the pain was building. He'd beg Leo to stop if he could only talk around the big lump in his throat. But then Leo stopped and looked into his eyes. "You do not yell at me and storm off when we're talking. Show some respect." He looked into Willie's eyes for another long minute and then held him close. "It's OK, Willie. Stop fighting it." 

"What? Stop fighting what? I didn't fight you," Willie forced out, his voice thick with tension. 

Leo pulled him over to the bed and pulled him down into his lap. "Stop fighting your feelings. Go ahead and be submissive. I like it. I like taking care of you. You'll feel better if you just give in to it." 

"I'm not submissive!" 

Leo hugged him tightly. "There's nothing wrong with it, Willie. It's not a bad thing." 

“What, I'm like your bitch? I should just fucking submit and give in and try to like it? I done that before, man, no thanks. I know how that goes.” Willie heard how bitter he sounded, but he couldn't stop it. 

“No, you don't.” Leo's voice sounded deep and intense. It was kind of thrilling. “You haven't done this. What happened in jail; you, like, got through that, you didn't submit to it. You weren't willing. Not in your heart. I want your heart, Will. It's OK. I won't abuse you. I'll take care of you. I love you.” Willie felt tears welling up and pressed his thumb and fingers against his eyes. The way Leo was saying that was so incredible; it was like a dream. There was something wrong with him to get so worked up. Leo said, “Will?” 

“I love you too,” Willie sniffled. He opened his eyes and Leo was smiling up at him. 

Leo rubbed his shoulders. "I love you more than anybody, baby." He hugged Willie close and then looked up at him matter of factly. "Listen, you wanna come back here tonight? Stay over again? I know it's a pain. You didn't have time to pack." 

Willie felt himself smiling. "That's OK, I'm packed enough. I could come back here tonight, yeah." 

"OK, good. That's good. I'll see you tonight then." Leo tapped Willie's hip. Willie sighed and stood up, then held a hand down for Leo. Leo's knees cracked getting up in a very undreamlike and real way. He pulled Willie into a hug and said, "I really love you. I gotta go. Get some more sleep." 

***** 

The fancy Manhattan grocery store was expensive, but Willie figured it was worth it to have good food waiting for Leo. Leo liked when Willie cooked for him. It made him feel pampered. And anyway, who else cooked for him now that his mother was gone? Willie wondered again why no woman had snapped Leo up during his vulnerable grieving period. Leo had never really explained that much about what had happened these past few years. He just kept saying he wanted to live in the now or whatever. Willie stared into the fresh pasta case and wondered what Leo thought they were doing together. You don't need to name it anything, he reminded himself. It's not jail. You don't have to belong to him, and people don't have to know. It's just something you're doing, that's all. For fun. 

He felt like he belonged to him. He felt like Leo was his daddy, and he was Leo's sweetboy. Not that Leo bullied him or forced him, and no one was going to attack him if he was on his own. Except for, like, muggers and normal stuff like that. He didn't need to be protected. Things weren't really dangerous. He just liked feeling protected anyway. Like last night. He had felt better curled up with Leo, and didn't have any more nightmares, and even if Leo wouldn't be home tonight until late and then he'd be exhausted and crabby, it was still worth it just to sleep in Leo's arms again. Willie loved that, being held while he slept. No one ever did that before. Though he hoped Leo wasn't too tired to fuck around. Cuz he liked the sex, too. He could at least admit that to himself, right? He loved giving it up for Leo. He felt himself blushing and hoped he wasn't red like the jars of pasta sauce. Leo deserved better than bottled pasta sauce, but there wasn't time to make it for tonight. 

He caught the express train, and lugged the groceries up the street, planning what order to cook things in, assuming Leo would be home around eleven, like usual on a Thursday. He didn't want dinner dried out and reheated, but he wanted it right on the table when Leo came in, because sometimes Leo wouldn't bother to eat if it wasn't right in front of him. Leo thought a lot of things were too much trouble. Sometimes he rushed through things Willie wished he would linger over. Willie shoved that thought aside and wondered if they had any wine. He thought he remembered seeing a liquor store a few blocks away, but he got a little lost in Leo's neighborhood. 

He stopped walking when he saw the light on in Leo's living room. He hadn't left it on, had he? He thought he saw TV flickers, and he knew he hadn't left the TV on. Frowning, he went inside and climbed the stairs. He kicked the apartment door and after a few seconds the chain went on and then it opened a few inches. Leo looked at him, swore, and shut the door again. The chain rattled and the door swung open. "Why didn't you use your key? I left the chain off for you." 

Willie couldn't understand why Leo was home, so he didn't say anything. Leo stared at him a minute longer, looking annoyed, then reached for a grocery bag. "Why are you just standing there? Come in already. What's all this shit?" He peered into the bag. "Groceries?" 

"Yeah," Willie said. He walked into the kitchen and put the bags on the table. He turned around and got the bag Leo was holding and started putting the food away. 

"Why'd you get groceries?" 

Why was he asking him all these questions? Why wasn't he hugging him? What the hell was going on? "Um, I didn't know you'd be home so early. I was gonna make some dinner for later." Willie shut the fridge and turned to look at Leo. "Do you have any wine?" 

Leo snorted. "No." 

"Oh." There was a weird silence. Willie didn't know why it was so tense. He cleared his throat. "OK, I could go get some wine." Leo stared at him. It made Willie nervous, which was stupid. "What?" he asked. 

"I'm not hungry," Leo said. He stepped over to Willie and threw an arm around him, then kissed him, his mouth hot and heavy and pressing Willie's head back. Like this morning, Willie thought. Everything made sense now. Leo was horny. He sucked on Leo's tongue, pressing closer to him. Leo rubbed his arm and 

Willie impulsively picked his legs up and wrapped them around Leo's waist. Leo grunted but caught him, and his hard fingers dug into Willie's ass through his thin work slacks. Willie felt hot all of a sudden, and overdressed. He pulled his mouth free of Leo's and said, "Bedroom." The world spun a little as Leo carried him down the hallway and dumped him unceremoniously on the bed. Willie lay there while the mattress rocked beneath him and watched Leo stripping his clothes off. Leo was so goodlooking, all lean, strong muscle and tawny brown hair and that perfect clean sweet solid prick. 

Willie heard himself make a little mewing sound at the sight of it, and Leo glared at him. "Take your clothes off." Willie sat up and fumbled at his tie and shirt buttons. His fingers felt stupid and clumsy. He got the tie off and the shirt unbuttoned and threw them on the floor. His undershirt followed and then he bent his leg up to untie his shoes. They were doubleknotted and tricky. Leo hissed, "Oh, for chrissakes, stand up, Will." 

"It's just the knots. Do one," Willie explained and held his left leg out. "Stand up, I said," Leo sounded impatient. Willie looked into his eyes. He looked impatient,too. Willie stood up, saying, "I gotta sit down to take my shoes off, Leo." 

Leo turned him around to face the bed and reached around him and unfastened his belt and pants. He yanked them down to Willie's thighs and pushed on his back. "Put your hands on the bed." Willie put his hands on the bed. The nightstand drawer opened and room temperature lube dripped between his buttcheeks. 

Willie's stomach lurched. "Leo? Leo, wait." 

"I waited already." Leo's fingers spread his cheeks more and flicked over his hole, spreading the lube a little. The solid bluntness of Leo's dick nuzzled at him. 

Willie cried, "No!" It felt weird to complain. He pulled hard away and jumped back onto the bed. He rolled onto his back and sat up. He curled his legs up and started working on his shoelace again. He prayed Leo wouldn't hit him. 

Leo said, "Willie?" His voice sounded tentative. Willie looked at him sidelong and saw his dick was flagging a little. He didn't know whether to be glad or sad. 

"I wanna take my shoes off and be in the bed. Then you can do it." 

Leo sighed and sat down on the bed. He grabbed Willie's ankle and pulled his foot into his lap. Willie spun with his leg, trapped in his trousers. Leo said, "I'll 

do this one." After a few seconds he sighed again and said, "How many knots are in these? Why don't you fucking buy some new shoelaces?" 

Willie succeeded in freeing one foot and threw his shoe on the floor and the sock after it. He yanked his foot back from Leo and that one went easier. His hands had stopped shaking and that helped. He finished with the shoes and pushed his pants off his feet. Then he turned and got up on all fours. He took a deep breath and said, "OK. Thanks for waiting. I'm good now." The bed shifted as Leo moved to kneel behind him. Willie stared at his hands and then shut his eyes. 

Leo's palm cracked down on his ass loudly, and smarted like a burn. Willie yelped but didn't move. Leo said, "That's for keeping me waiting." 

Willie could feel the handprint, and felt tears starting. One smack shouldn't hurt so much. He was being a wimp. He whispered, "Sorry." 

Leo outlined the handprint in little feathery kisses. Willie opened his eyes in surprise but shut them again. Leo was holding his balls, caressing so gently. He wished Leo would lick him back there while he had his mouth ready, and spread his legs a little more, but Leo didn't. The bed shifted and Willie heard Leo fumbling with stuff on the nighttable, and then Leo was pressed flat against him, covering him, rubbing his back and ribs. He was hard again, pressed over his butt. Willie shivered. Leo's fingers gripped his shoulder, and Willie turned his head and kissed them. 

Leo whispered "baby" and his hand moved down to the small of Willie's back, and then Leo pulled back and nestled his dick into place. Willie concentrated hard on being open. Leo pushed and Willie heard himself gasp but Leo was in faster than usual with just a little burn. Willie tried to find his breath around the hugeness of Leo being in him and on him and over him. Leo's first thrust pushed him past composure. Willie cried out and his hands slipped. Leo's arm came under his chest and then he was pinned between Leo and the bed, frogging his legs up like he was swimming, turning to jello under Leo. Each stroke began to blend into the next; Willie felt suspended in movement, almost like when he was dancing, and Leo was holding him up and down and making him come from inside, that's how much Leo knew him, from inside. He clutched Leo's hand against his throat and came, grinding against the bed, shuddering helplessly between his own passion and feeling impaled, and Leo hollered something and stiffened, trembling against him. 

They lay there panting. Willie wanted Leo off him so he could turn over, but then he felt Leo's head resting on his back and sighed. He straightened his legs a little as Leo shrunk inside him. Leo's fingers brushed the sweaty hair back off 

his face, and Willie squeezed his eyes shut. It was hard to be looked at with a dick up his ass. Leo kept rubbing his head, and after a minute he whispered, "Careful, now." He shifted his arm down and held onto Willie's hip and dislodged himself, pulling out with a wet little plopping sound. Willie hated that he whimpered. Leo said gently, "Move over a little, honey." Willie turned onto his side and Leo was next to him, swabbing at him with his discarded scrubs and kissing his forehead. Willie grabbed for Leo's neck and turned his face up for a real kiss, and Leo's voice was all smiley when he said, "I love you, Willie." 

Willie kissed hard, pushing Leo down on his back, and then looked down on him. "I love you too." He kissed Leo again and let the kiss slide down Leo's cheek and nestled his head on Leo's shoulder, burrowing into his neck, and threw his leg over Leo's hips. Leo wrapped his arms around his waist and hugged him. Willie smelled their mingled funky smells and wrinkled his nose and wished he could stay just like this forever. He stuck his tongue out a little to taste Leo's neck. Leo rubbed his back. 

Some time went by. Leo said, "You're not mad I smacked you?"  
Willie wondered if he was. He said, "No. But don't. Not for no reason." "I had a reason."  
"Not a true one."  
"I waited!" 

Willie sighed and sat up. He rubbed Leo's chest thoughtfully. Leo looked up at him. Leo's eyes were so blue and serious. Willie explained, "I like it better in the bed. I was working on the knots. You got all bossy." 

Leo held his hand. "I guess. I was tired of waiting." 

Willie flopped down next to him, still holding hands. He didn't know what Leo was talking about. "I didn't think you'd be home yet. I was gonna cook." 

Leo turned and snuggled against him. "You can still cook. Do you wanna? Or I'll take you out, if you want. Or we can send out. What do you want?" 

Willie frowned at the ceiling. Something in Leo's tone was all wrong. Willie closed his eyes. He shouldn't ask too many questions. "Leo?" 

"Yeah?"  
"Is everything OK?" "Yeah! Why?"  
"Did you skip your class?" 

"No."  
"How come you're home so early?" 

Leo paused before answering, and Willie knew he was going to lie. Willie sat up. Leo said, "Um, my second class, my lab, was cancelled, so I got out early." 

Willie climbed over Leo and got out of bed. "OK. I'm gonna take a shower now. I don't feel like cooking, really, now. So, whatever you want to do about dinner is great." 

Willie locked the bathroom door and pretended not to hear Leo calling him. He really didn't give a shit about dinner. He turned the shower on high, so it drowned everything out and beat down on his head and shoulders soothingly. He lathered up his sweaty hair and thought, I'm acting like a girl. Asking him where he's been, questioning his schedule. Be serious, he told himself. What are the odds Leo's seeing someone else one night a week? You're just still upset about last night, he told himself. Which is totally stupid. Leo's just not ready to introduce his queer lover to his good friends. Otherwise he would have totally invited you to party with him. He likes to spend time with you and it's not just about sex. He spends every weekend with you, and you go to movies and stuff; you don't just fuck the whole time. A lot, but not the whole time. The important thing is not to be such a girl and to quit bugging him. It sucks when women do that – why and when and who. It sounds distrustful. That's no way to get invited along to guy stuff. I gotta stop cooking for him, too. And cleaning. And all that girly stuff. He rinsed all the soap off and tried not to think about sucking dick. That wasn't optional; it was mandatory. Be serious, he told himself. It's fine. He actually liked it, with Leo, anyway, as embarrassing as that was. 

He stepped out of the shower and turned it off. Leo banged on the door the very next second. Willie opened the door, wrapping a towel around his waist. "What? You gotta go that bad?" 

Leo stared at him. "You're alright."  
Willie frowned. "Yeah. I took a shower."  
"Oh. OK, well, good. What do you wanna do about dinner?" Willie frowned. "I told you. I don't care. What do you want?" Leo shrugged. "I don't know." 

Willie walked into the bedroom and dropped the towel on the floor. He started dressing and asked, very casually, "You wanna go get a drink somewhere?" 

"A drink?" Leo frowned like drinking was some unfamiliar activity. "Oh, you mean, cuz I don't got wine?" 

Willie breathed for a minute. Maybe he should just drop it. Very quietly he said, "No. I meant, y'know, a drink, in a bar." 

"I got beer here." 

"OK," Willie sat on the edge of the bed and looked at his socks, wondering if he should put them on. 

"You wanna beer? I'll get you a beer." 

"No thanks, Leo. I'm good." 

"You said--" 

"I meant out. Y'know, hang out. Like, something to do." He sighed. "You want me to cook?" 

"I thought you didn't want to."  
"It doesn't matter. It's fine. I'll cook. Go watch TV." 

Leo sat on the edge of the bed too, but a few feet away. "I don't wanna watch TV by myself. I wanna hang with you." 

Willie twisted his sock in his hands, making a hard little knot of fabric. He told himself not to say anything. He swallowed hard. Then his mouth opened and he said, "I wouldn't act queer in the bar, Leo. It don't have to be one of your regular places." He could see fibres in the sock were fraying. He made himself untwist it and shook it out. 

Leo said, "What?"  
"We had sex already, is all. So."  
"So?" Leo was frowning. "I don't understand. What's the matter?"  
"I just wanna go out for a drink!" His voice sounded loud.  
Leo jumped to his feet. "OK! OK! We'll go out for a drink. You don't gotta get so upset."  
"I'm not upset!"  
"Well, put your shoes on. Lemme clean up a little and get dressed. Jeez."  
***** 

The bar was dark and quiet for a Thursday, but it was still pretty early. The bartender had greeted Leo by name, so it must be one of his regular places. It was only two streets over. Leo had introduced Willie as his friend. They'd ordered beers. Now they were on their second round and still hadn't said anything. The jukebox was playing rock music. Some of it was new, and Willie didn't know it, and it didn't sound very good. He wondered if he was getting old. He sipped at his beer. It was probably from work where he heard classical all the time; it was probably ruining him for decent music. Everything seemed ruined nowadays. 

"Did you hear me?" Leo asked.  
Willie jumped. "Huh?"  
"I said, how's your beer?" Leo looked worried. 

Willie felt guilty. He wasn't being very good company. He'd imagined this differently, that they would get to the bar and drink and relax and tell jokes and be happy together, like they used to, when they were friends. It had been a stupid idea, he realized now. Being in a bar didn't make them friends again. "It's good," he whispered. Everything seemed blurry and Leo suddenly pressed a cocktail napkin into his hand. 

"Wipe your eyes," Leo whispered. His hand was heavy and comforting on Willie's shoulder. He signaled the bartender and ordered two shots and two beers. He handed the shots to Willie and pointed to a dark corner at the back of the bar. "We're moving to that booth back there. Carry those." 

Willie wasn't sure he should have any more to drink, but Leo looked strict so he did like he was told. Leo said something else to the bartender and then followed him. Willie slid into the booth with his back to the bar, and to his surprise, Leo slid in beside him instead of across from him. Willie couldn't see the bartender to see if he was staring or not. Leo leaned his elbow on the table and rested his head on his hand and looked at him intently. "Drink your drink, Willie, and tell me what's buggin' you, OK?" 

"Nothin', Leo. I'm good."  
Leo smiled a little and held up his whisky. "We gonna sip these or shoot 'em, Willie?"  
"Ah, shoot 'em." 

They drank the whisky shots and reached for their beers, clinked bottles and drank. Leo smiled, and Willie felt himself smile back, and felt his chest relax a little, probably from the whisky burning its way down. He sighed. "Good stuff." 

Leo smiled again. "Yeah. I want you to talk to me though."  
"Huh?"  
"Yeah, y'know, you're freakin' me with the sad face. What's wrong?" Willie shrugged elaborately. "Nothing's wrong." 

Leo turned and looked around the edge of the booth, and the bartender appeared with two more whiskeys and two more beers on a tray. He put them down and walked away without a word. Leo said, "Drink up, sweetie. Where's the trust?" 

Willie flashed on how Leo had bent him over the bed and yanked his pants down. He used to bend over the table in the back of the laundry room for Diego. He hated laundry. His stomach clenched. He drank the whisky, and that helped a little. Leo sipped his. Willie sipped his beer. He should tell Leo he trusted him. He did, mostly. Leo rubbed his arm gently and Willie flinched away. Leo froze and sat up straight. "Am I crowdin' you? You want me to sit on the other side?" He looked worried again. 

"No," Willie whispered. He wanted a hug. He felt like crying. He felt for Leo's hand on the seat beside him and squeezed his fingers. 

Leo's other arm came right across his shoulders and held him close. "Willie, what's the matter? Is it me?" 

"No. We shouldn't hug in here." 

Leo raised his eyebrows. "No one can see us. Relax. Tell me why you wanted to come out for a drink." Willie elbowed him and Leo sighed and took his arm back, but he held Willie's hand tightly between them on the vinyl cushion. 

Willie cleared his throat. He looked at their hands and then at Leo's earnest caring face. Leo hadn't fucked him like that, not after he'd said no. Leo heard no. He thought of how Leo was when he was inside Leo, and Leo was so open and vulnerable. He swallowed a little more beer and said, "I wanted to feel like friends." He stopped and swallowed and took another deep breath. "Kind of stupid, huh?" He glanced at Leo who was absolutely motionless, and made himself smile. "But it's better what we are, right?" 

"You don't feel like we're friends?" Leo sounded stunned. 

Willie shrugged. "No, I mean, we're friends, but, y'know, we don't really hang out anymore. I mean, y'know, we see each other a lot so, I mean, it's fine. We're just doing different stuff now. Y'know, and you have other friends to hang with." 

Leo frowned. "You're my best friend."  
Willie shivered. "Leo."  
"No. I fucking love you, man. Don't make it how I don't love you."  
"No no no. I love you too. Totally. That's what I'm sayin'. More than friends."  
Leo glared. "But we're friends too."  
Willie swigged from his beer and thought, fuck it, I'm drunk. "Friends don't bend ya over." 

Leo looked at the empty bench across from them and sipped at his beer for a minute, his face blank. He looked stupid when he did that, like he had no brain, but Willlie knew that in reality that was Leo thinking hard. Finally, he looked at Willie again and smiled gently. "I oughta bend ya right over my knee, see if that helps your thinking at all." 

Willie's mouth fell open and he stared, honestly shocked. He said, "What?" 

Leo looked incredulous. "If we're not friends, then what the fuck are we then? All these years, Will? We're acquaintances? Or what, you gonna sit there and say it's all about the sex for you? Just a physical thing?" Leo rolled his eyes. 

Willie blushed and stared at the tabletop. "No. I didn't say that. We're lovers now. That's all." 

Leo smiled. "That ain't all." 

Willie slammed his beer glass down on the table. "It is fuckin' all! Otherwise you wouldn't treat me like a fuckin' girl all the fuckin' time!" Leo gaped at him. Willie covered his face with his hands, mortified. It was the booze. He wished he was even drunker so he could just pass out and slide under the table. He braced himself for whatever stupid vagina joke Leo would make now. 

There was a long silence. Then Leo said, "Do you want the rest of that beer?" 

Willie peeked at Leo. Leo was frowning. Willie said, "No. I'm all done." He shifted on the bench. "I should go home." 

Leo put a hand on Willie's forearm. "Wait. Wait. I, can we go for a walk? Would you walk with me?" 

Willie shrugged and Leo clambered out of the booth, then turned and waited for Willie. He walked over to the bar and paid the bill. Willie followed Leo outside. It was cool and damp, almost spring, but not quite. Leo walked in the opposite direction from the subway and his building. Willie had never gone 

that way. He hesitated a minute and then quickened his pace to catch up with Leo. 

They walked into a residential area, old apartment buildings and duplexes with the occasional freestanding house, rundown but occupied. It was quiet. Most people were inside watching television, to judge from all the bluelit windows. Leo dug in his jacket pocket and came up with a pack of cigarettes. He lit one and offered the pack to Willie. 

Willie was surprised. "You bought your own?" 

"Last night, yeah." Willie took a cigarette and Leo handed him the lighter. Leo said, "You weren't there to bum from." Willie took a long drag on the cigarette. Leo said, "I missed you." Their walking had slowed way down. 

Willie didn't know what to say. Leo looked dramatically backlit in the flickering window light. Willie asked, "You never said how that went. Did you have a good time?" 

Leo shrugged. "Yeah. It was OK. Buncha drunk guys." He ran his fingers through his hair, messing it up. "You're mad I didn't invite ya, huh?" He sounded younger all of a sudden. 

Willie's throat clenched up. It was such a stupid thing to be mad about. "Not no more," he whispered. "I understand." 

"No you don't." 

"No, I do, Leo. It's OK." 

"What do you understand?" Leo sounded belligerent. 

Willie didn't want to talk about this anymore. He took a deep breath. "Nothin'. Just, y'know, things are different now than before. With us." 

"See, ya don't. You got it all backward. Cuz that's not why." Leo took a deep breath. "I didn't invite you cuz I'm a coward." 

"No you're not." 

"Yes I am. I still haven't told them about us, and I didn't wanna, I didn't wanna, like, be like, oh, don't do that in front of them or nothin'. Like, you shouldn't hafta feel awkward cuz I'm too chicken to just deal with my friends. But they're gonna say stuff. I mean, they're gonna have an opinion, when I finally tell them. It's my bad, Will. It ain't you." Willie thought that over for half a block. 

Leo broke the silence to add, "And, y'know, even before, you woulda never said stuff, if I'd told you somethin' like that, you'da just been like, understanding." Leo's voice got choked up. "Cuz you are my fuckin' friend, even if you don't think so. I hate that you think we're not friends now." 

Willie tried to take that in. Leo thought he was a good friend. He rubbed Leo's shoulder and arm and said, "Maybe I was wrong about that. I wanna be friends." 

"Well, we are already. So don't worry about it no more." "OK," Willie said quietly. 

Leo drifted towards a lit-up bodega on a corner. "We need some water. Come on, let's get cold drinks and head home now." The cold water was delicious and sobering, and Willie felt tired and hungry and groggy from the booze. It felt later than it was. They never had got around to dinner. When they got into the house, Leo took his jacket off and then turned to Willie. "Um--" He blushed. 

Willie frowned and threw his own jacket on a chair. "What?"  
Leo looked embarrassed. "Nothin'. I'm gonna order a pizza. You got a preference?" 

"No. Not that weird Hawaiian kind." "No." Leo picked up the phone. 

"You want money?" "No. Will?"  
"What?" 

The blushing was back. "I want a hug." 

Willie stared. Leo usually just grabbed him and hugged him. They didn't talk about it. Now it felt weird. Willie swallowed. "OK." He stepped closer to Leo and hugged him. Leo sighed and snuggled in against him, his arms rubbing Willie's back. He nuzzled at Willie's neck and hair. When he started rocking gently back and forth, the weirdness went away and Willie melted against him. 

Leo said, "I'm sorry I get grabby on you. I don't mean, you know, I totally respect you, man." 

"You're not grabby," Willie whispered.  
Leo kissed his cheek and smoothed his hair, and stepped gently back from the hug. "I love you." 

"I love you too," Willie said. 

Leo smiled. "We'll be OK, then?"  
"Sure, Leo. We're OK already."  
"OK, good. You want more beer or some tea or what?" 

"With the pizza? Water."  
"Go find something on TV, and I'll get plates." 

The pizza was good. Leo kept feeding him little bits of olives off his slices, and smiling at him. Then when they were done eating, Leo snuggled up against him and flipped stations. He finally stopped at an old rerun of The Odd Couple. They watched that for a few minutes. Felix made sinus noises and Willie laughed like he always did, and made the sinus noise. Leo smiled at him. Willie grinned and said, "He's such a loser." 

Leo held his hand. "Maybe. Oscar likes him though."  
"He's a loser too. They're both losers. That's why they're together."  
Leo sipped his tea and then said, "Maybe. Maybe together they're winners." 

Willie felt like that was getting a little deep, so he just rubbed Leo's head and let him watch TV. Leo was humoring him. Usually he watched Law and Order reruns, but sometimes if there were a lot of jail scenes Willie felt tense. He just didn't like to look at it was all. Leo told him not to be so sensitive, usually, but tonight he was being extra considerate. Willie wondered if they were gonna fuck some more later, and if that would be extra considerate too. He'd rather not have cried in the bar anyway, and done without the extra niceness. He closed his eyes, and he must have dozed, because the TV was off when Leo shook him awake. "Come on, sweetie. Time for bed." 

"Mmmh." 

"No, don't sleep there. You'll get a crick in your neck." Willie felt his arm dragged away from him and opened his eyes again. Leo smiled. "Come on, I'm tired too. I don't wanna carry you. Come to bed." 

Willie stumbled behind Leo to the bedroom, clutching his hand. The bed was turned down invitingly, and it smelled like clean sheets. Willie fumbled with his clothing, but froze when Leo started helping to take his pants off. Suddenly Leo said, "Excuse me," and stepped away. Willie stared at the floor and reminded himself not to sigh. Sighing sounded rejecting. He got his pants off and stepped out of them. He threw his sweatshirt after them. He didn't care how wrinkled anything was for tomorrow. He could still feel that he'd been fucked earlier. It didn't hurt, really. He could just feel it. Leo was sitting on the edge of the bed 

staring at him. Willie looked into Leo's face and was surprised to see Leo's eyes glistening. He had to be careful about freezing up, because Leo paid attention and noticed. He stepped over to Leo and sat in his lap. Leo looked relieved and held him close. Willie rested his head on Leo's shoulder. He realized suddenly that sometimes he acted like a girl, and that's why Leo acted like he did. 

"Leo."  
"Yeah."  
"Do me a favor?" 

"Anything." 

Willie smiled and traced little circles on Leo's shoulderblade with his fingertips. Now he didn't want to ask. He reminded himself it was better to avoid a problem. And he did really trust Leo. He grabbed Leo's hand and interlaced their fingers. "Can we go a little easy? Cuz, earlier, um, made a big impression on me." 

Leo squeezed him tightly and kissed his neck. "OK," he whispered. He stood up, holding Willie in his arms. Willie yelped at the sudden increase in altitude, and then the room spun around and Leo lowered him gently to the bed. It felt wonderful to lie down. Willie started to turn onto his stomach, but Leo grabbed his hip. "No, hon. Stay just like that." Leo knelt on the bed, and Willie started to raise his legs, but Leo pushed them down. "No. Relax. Don't do anything." 

Leo moved away, down to the foot of the bed. Willie stared at the ceiling and hoped nothing bad was going to happen. He felt Leo's hands on his thighs, pushing, and spread his legs a little. He was raising his head to see what was happening when his dick was suddenly captured inside something wet and hot. His head snapped up, and he stared at the top of Leo's head. He knew he made some kind of sound, and maybe said words like "Oh my baby baby god," but what else could he say if Leo was going to suck on him like that? He seriously thought this might be the best moment of his entire life so far. He was floating, his whole body flowing into that good thrilling sensation. Someone was still yelling to god when he came, and it wasn't Leo, Leo was busy swallowing and licking. Willie felt like his whole body was one nerve. He sat up and hugged Leo, and pressed his face into Leo's chest. He wrapped his arms around Leo's neck and said, "I love you so much. So fucking much." 

Leo smiled and squeezed him tightly. "Good. I love you so fucking much too." He swigged from a can of soda, and Willie wondered how far in advance he'd planned. "You liked that, huh?" 

"Yes!" 

"Good. I did too." He offered the soda to Willie, who took a sip, and then got arrested by Leo's deep blue eyes staring into his. Leo put his palm flat against Willie's chest and said, "Can you feel the love?" 

Leo's hand felt hot, pulsing. It was like the whole world was just being right there with Leo for that minute. Could he feel the love? Leo's lips brushed lightly against his temple, and Willie did feel the love, like a halo, but more powerful, like a spirit umbrella that Leo held over him. "Yeah," he whispered. "Do you?" 

Leo hugged him tightly. "Every minute, Willie. You make me feel so good." Willie collected himself. "I will, now." He kissed Leo's perfect shiny lips. "Lie down. Your turn." 

Leo smiled and kissed his forehead. "No, thanks, sweetheart. You're sleepy. Lie down and sleep." 

"But--" 

Leo kissed his mouth and it felt like his heart. Then Leo whispered, "Shhh. Sleepy baby. We're together. We have later. Don't stress." 

Willie looked at Leo and realized he really could just go to sleep, it really was OK. Leo really meant all this stuff. It was like a dream. He lay down on the crisp sheets and turned onto his side. Leo spooned up behind him and tucked them in. His arm draped gently over Willie's waist, and his chin tucked warmly over Willie's head. Willie felt floaty again, and he didn't understand. Sometimes if someone was raping him he would float up to the ceiling and just watch. Then afterwards he'd go back and be him again. He'd tried to explain it to a girlfriend once, without mentioning the rape part of course, just that sometimes he floated out of himself, and she'd said he was demonic and left him, but Salvadorans were superstitious, everyone knows that. But now he felt floaty and big, like he was too big for his body to hold, and he was floating but not near the ceiling, just sort of hovering. "Leo?" His voice worked. 

"What, hon?" "I'm floating." 

Leo propped himself up on his elbow and looked at him seriously. "Well, stop it. This is real." 

"I can't." 

Leo pinched his ass, hard. Willie yelped and squirmed, definitely in his body. Leo stopped pinching and rubbed the sore spot. "Are you back?" 

"Yeah."  
"OK. Can't you be happy?" "I don't know."  
"Well, try."  
"OK, Leo." 

Friday morning, March 19 

Willie reached for the alarm when it shrieked at him, but a warm hand covered his atop the clockradio. He frowned and opened his eyes. Leo was pressed up behind him and reaching around him. Willie squinted at the clock. No, it was his alarm. He had to get up. Leo should have left two hours ago. Willie squirmed over onto his back to see if Leo looked sick, but he was still blinking when Leo started kissing him. 

It was overwhelming to be kissed so thoroughly first thing. Leo didn't seem worried about morning breath. Or even about any breath, really. Willie pushed on his chest and Leo let him up for air. Willie propped himself up on his elbows. "Hi." 

"Good morning, sunshine." Leo grinned at him.  
Willie sat up and rubbed his eyes. "What's going on?"  
"A new day is dawning. It's the first day of the rest of your life." Leo smirked. 

Willie snorted and moved towards the edge of the bed. "I'm taking a shower." Leo's arms clasped tightly around his waist, impeding him. Willie remembered suddenly-- the blowjob, the going easy. The idea that there wasn't any payback. He bit his lip. "Lemme take a leak, OK? I'll come right back and take care of ya." 

Leo nuzzled his neck. "What are you gonna do?" 

Willie shrugged, hard. "Anything you want. I gotta piss, Leo." Leo let him go and he made himself not stomp on his way to the bathroom. He pissed, wondering what the hell Leo was doing home on a weekday. Where was the usual mad rush for time? Maybe something had happened. 

He cleaned up and went back to the bedroom, but Leo wasn't there. Frowning, he wandered to the kitchen. Leo was making coffee. "Leo? Why'd you get outta bed?" 

"To make coffee for you." Leo had put his robe on. 

Willie frowned. "I thought you wanted--" He stopped and blushed. Then he closed his eyes. It was stupid to keep getting embarrassed. He didn't have to be so delicate about it. It was one of his girly attitudes and he oughta toughen up a little. "To have sex," he whispered. 

Leo crossed the kitchen to kiss his cheek and push him towards a kitchen chair. "Yeah, well, the sex idea ain't exactly putting a smile on your face. Sit down. Wake up some more. The coffee'll be ready in a minute." 

Willie stood up again. "I gotta take a shower and go to work. You want me to blow you or what?" 

Leo leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. He looked at Willie for a long minute. Willie felt himself blushing and looked at the floor. He hadn't meant to sound like that. Leo sighed and said, "Go on and take your shower; I'll make you some breakfast. Go on." He waved a dismissal and moved back to the stove. 

Willie took two steps. In the doorway he turned back and said, "I don't mind, Leo." 

Leo smiled at him. It was a beautiful smile. Leo said, "I know, honey. It's OK. Don't get all worked up before you've even had coffee, OK?" 

The kitchen table was set for breakfast when Willie returned from his hurried shower. He'd pulled his work clothes on and draped the tie around his neck, though he hadn't tied it, and he knew he hadn't dried off enough and was soaking through his shirt. It could dry on the train, he figured. He carried his shoes out to the kitchen and put them beside his chair, then sat down and reached for the steaming cup of coffee. Leo sat down next to him with his own coffee. "You squeaky clean now?" 

Willie smiled. "Good coffee, man."  
Leo smiled back. "Not as good as yours. But I'm learning." 

That surprised Willie, that Leo thought he was learning anything from him. "So, Leo." 

"Yeah?"  
"Is everything OK?" 

"What do you mean?" Leo looked open and fearless. Willie shrugged. "Anything you wanna tell me?" 

Leo smiled again. "Well, I do wanna talk to you, yeah. But it don't have to be while you're dashing off to work. It can wait." 

"What?" 

Leo bit his lip and then bit into a slice of toast. "It's just an idea. We can talk about it later." 

"What?" Willie asked. This was making him nervous, even though Leo was smiling and friendly and kind. "What's wrong?" 

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong, Willie." Leo sounded surprised. 

Willie put his coffee down. "I will blow you! I said I would! It's not a problem!" He slid off the chair and crouched in front of Leo, holding Leo's knees. Then he had another thought and looked up. "Unless you want my ass?" He swallowed. "You want me over the table?" If they went back to bed he'd be late for work and Tony would scream at him in front of everyone again. It was hard to be all hardhearted for work after being with Leo – he felt all soft and breakable inside afterwards. But it was more important to meet Leo's needs. He said, "Or the end of the sofa? No breakfast crumbs there." Leo was frowning. Willie quickly smiled his "I love you to love me" smile and reached for Leo's crotch. 

Leo caught his hand and then hauled on his arm and pulled him out of his crouch and into Leo's lap. "Willie." 

"What?" Willie whispered.  
"You hate it like that." His hand moved in warm circles in the small of Willie's back. 

Willie curled into him and pressed his forehead against Leo's neck. "I don't hate it." 

Leo's lips pressed against his cheek. "You like a little more attention." 

Willie didn't know what to say. Leo was right. The minibackrub was kind of turning him on, even though it wasn't in a sexy spot. He raised his head and kissed Leo seriously, like a man. When the kiss broke off, Leo stared into his eyes. Willie said, "I like your attention." 

Leo smiled. "Well, you got it."  
"I have to go to work," Willie whispered.  
Leo grinned. "Too bad. I was feeling kinda horny. And kinda, actually, sorta bottomy."  
Willie stood up and yanked on Leo's hand. "Come on." He started for the hallway and the bedroom. Leo let himself be dragged along, smiling. "But you have work."  
"I'll be late. They can dock me. Come on." 

The sheets were rumpled still from their sleeping. Leo dropped his robe on the floor and sat on the edge of the bed. Willie tore his clothes off and made a small concession to the notion of going to work by throwing them over the door instead of throwing them on the floor. He turned back to the bed and caught his breath at the sight of Leo. He's sitting and waiting for me, he thought. Leo was making his happy face. Willie sat down beside him and put Leo's hand back around his waist. He held Leo close and kissed him for a long time, the way he'd want. He kept leaning until Leo fell back on his elbows. He rested on top of Leo, shivering a little, and then grabbed the lube from the nightstand. Leo curled his leg up, his inner thigh soft against Willie's hip, his dick hard between them. Willie tried to concentrate on lubing up his hand. It was hard to think when Leo looked at him like that, all flushed and perfectly rosy and trusting. He stroked gently at Leo's little pucker, and Leo's eyes widened a little. Willie licked at his nipple, gnawing slightly, and when Leo gasped a bit, he gently slid his finger inside Leo. Leo moaned happily. Willie added another finger and started massaging. Leo panted. Willie's dick was hot and heavy and he wished Leo would be ready already, but you couldn't rush him. He thought it would be easier if Leo turned over and spread himself properly, but this was cozier. Maybe he needed encouragement. Willie breathed, "Give it up for me, baby. C'mon now." 

Leo clutched at him and a third finger slid easily inside. Willie moved up and positioned himself, pushing Leo's leg back a little. The panting rasp stopped. Willie tore his gaze away from Leo's dark red dick and looked at his face. Leo was holding his breath and squeezing his eyes shut. Willie put his hand, palm flat down, on Leo's chest. "Breathe, honey." 

Leo breathed out slowly, and Willie pushed firmly inside and Leo gasped. "Keep breathin'," Willie crooned. He held himself still, but breathing didn't resume. Willie rubbed Leo's chest. "Alright, out again. Breathe out." Leo did. "Good. Back in. In out." Although shuddery, Leo's breathing seemed to be approaching normal again, or at least normal for someone getting fucked. "Open your eyes, Leo." 

Leo looked at him. He seemed to calm further, and then took Willie's hands. Willie grinned and moved gently, back and then in again. It felt amazing. He kept at it, setting up a gentle rhythm, watching Leo through slitted eyes. Leo hardly moved. Willie kept going. He felt like he could go all day like this. Eventually, Leo shifted and moaned, like some brittle tension in him just snapped, and his arms fell open and his body got looser and more fluid. Willie felt like he was surfing Leo, and dove harder into him, trying to get deep enough. Leo clutched at him again and made a strangling noise and came, the hot fluid smearing between them, the scent hitting Willie between his eyes as Leo clenched around him. He thrust twice more, hard, and then his own release pulled him under, and he clung to Leo, digging his fingers in. 

He forgot where he was for a minute. He forgot everything except Leo let him inside and it felt good. He came to himself when Leo clutched his hand, squeezing his fingers out of their deathgrip. "You're hurting me, your hand." 

Willie looked at his hand and figured out how to flatten it out. His muscles felt complicated now. He tilted his head up and looked at Leo, to see Leo looking at him. He blushed. "Sorry," he said. 

"Other one too." 

Willie pulled both his hands flat onto Leo's chest. He could see scratches on Leo's arm where he'd dug in his nails. "Sorry." 

"No biggie," Leo held one of his hands and raised it to his lips. "Oughta cut those." 

"OK." He'd do just about anything Leo wanted at this point. He pressed his forehead into Leo's chest, his hands near his mouth. He whispered "I love you so much," mostly to his fingertips, barely breathing. 

Leo stroked the back of his head and said, "I love you too." 

Willie pulled out gently, not looking at Leo's face. He flung himself to Leo's side, ditched the condom, and moved up to snuggle on Leo's shoulder, so Leo could hug him. Leo pulled him close and cuddled him, and smiled and kissed him, and Willie felt himself grinning like a fool. They lay there for a while, and then Willie wanted a cigarette and got up to get one from his shirt pocket. Leo looked gorgeous sprawled across the white sheets, all rosy muscles. Willie sat on the edge of the bed and smoked and rubbed Leo's arm. "I don't feel like going to work now." 

Leo smiled up at him. "Wanna hear my idea?" 

Willie smiled. "Sure. What?" 

Leo propped himself up on his elbows. "Call in sick to work. Then we borrow my friend's truck, and go to your house, and pack up your stuff, and bring it back here, and move you in with me." 

Willie stopped rubbing and took his hand back. He looked away from Leo and took a long drag on his cigarette, his mind racing. There had to be a catch. "Why?" he asked. 

Leo frowned and sat up. "So we could live together?" "For what, though?" 

Leo reached up and held Willie's chin, then turned Willie's head to face him. "So we can be together." 

Willie jerked his head away and stubbed his cigarette out. His hands were shaking. It wasn't possible. Leo had to mean something else. "I got an apartment," he said. "Of my own." 

Leo sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. "You mean, you don't wanna live with anybody? You want your own space?" 

Is that what he meant? "No. I wanna live with you, but not, we can't."  
"What? Why can't we?"  
"I don't know," Willie whispered. He stared at the floor.  
Leo slid off the bed and crouched in front of him, seeking eye contact. "Willie, what?" Willie shut his eyes and cleared his throat. "Like, I'd be your bitch, like?" 

The bed jounced when Leo sat down next to him and wrapped him into a hug. "No! Why do you keep thinking that shit about me?" 

"I don't," Willie whined. 

Leo ruffled his hair. "OK. Well, listen up. No, you wouldn't be my bitch. No one is anyone's bitch here. You'd be my boyfriend. My baby. My partner. Like, my husband. Mine." Willie looked at him. Leo smiled quickly and added, "And I'd be yours." 

"My wife?" Willie snorted. "Your husband," Leo clarified. 

The hugging was doing a lot to clarify things in Willie's mind. Leo wasn't setting him up for anything awful. Leo wanted them to live together. There was a little flutter of excitement in his chest about that. "Which husband pays the rent?" 

Leo shook him a little, gently. "We'll split the rent and the other bills. Fifty- fifty. You'll save money anyway. But it's not about the money, Willie." Willie reached for his cigarettes, but Leo snatched them out of his hands. "You gonna answer me or what?" 

Willie looked at him sidelong, under his lashes. "You really mean it?" "Yeah, Willie." 

Willie took a deep breath. "OK, yeah." Leo was kissing him before he could make any smart remarks about how they were doomed. 

Saturday evening, March 20 

It ended up taking more than one day to move Willie's stuff. Leo couldn't find a truck, so he rented a station wagon and made multiple trips with boxes of Willie's belongings and partially disassembled furniture. Willie kept packing and cleaning, and Leo kept taking the boxes away. It wasn't until Saturday night that Leo picked up the final box and looked at Willie. "Is this it?" 

"Yeah." Their voices sounded loud in the empty and echoing apartment. "What's in there?" Leo asked, indicating the backpack at Willie's feet. "Oh, like my toothbrush and stuff." 

Leo smiled. "OK then. Lock it up and let's go." He headed for the door. Willie stood tonguetied for a minute, thinking they ought to have one last chance to back out, but that was unrealistic, because all his stuff was at Leo's so it was too late to back out. He followed Leo out of the door, and locked it behind him. On the downstairs landing, he took the keys off his keyring and dropped them in the mailbox, and followed Leo to the station wagon. It felt strange having only Leo's keys on his keychain. But now they're my keys too, he thought. 

They were quiet on the drive up to the Bronx. It felt a little unreal to Willie, like he'd wake up in a minute and find out it was all a dream. They got stuck in traffic on the bridge for a little while. Willie jumped when Leo said, "You're real quiet." 

He looked over at Leo and smiled his sweetest smile. "I guess, yeah." Leo smiled back. "You OK?" 

"Yeah. Just quiet." Willie looked down at the river and then back at Leo. "You're quiet too." 

"I'm worn out. I been carrying your boxes around, plus I been tryna sort out the house as we go along. Theresa came over and helped out a little this morning." Willie bristled and opened his mouth to protest but Leo cut him off. "She's gone now, so don't even start. She helped me move some furniture, that's all." 

"I woulda helped you tonight!"  
"I wanted it done before then. Chill, Willie." 

"But--" 

"I said!" Willie shut his mouth. Leo continued, "I said, I wanted it done before you got there." Willie took a breath to say men were better at moving furniture, but Leo cut him off before he could speak. "And let's get something clear right now, OK? We're gonna be understanding and polite about each other's friends, even if we personally don't like them, you got that?" Willie didn't say anything. Leo said, "Do you?" 

"OK!" 

"Alright." They were quiet for a minute and then Leo asked, "Any other issues you wanna bring up before we get home?" 

Willie scowled at him. "What, speak now or forever hold my peace?" 

Leo pressed in the cigarette lighter. Willie's stomach turned over, and he stared out the window again and told himself he was being paranoid. The lighter popped out and Willie moved as far away from it as he could, pressing himself against the car door. Leo pulled a cigarette out of his shirt pocket and lit it. He frowned at Willie and put the lighter back in the dashboard. Leo took a long drag on the cigarette and blew smoke out and then said, quietly, "You can always talk to me about anything, Willie. Anytime. Sometimes I wish you would. I was only asking if there was anything on your mind right now, if you're worried about anything." 

Willie pulled out a cigarette. "Can I have a light?" Leo handed him his cigarette, and Willie lit his and handed Leo's back. Willie sighed and said, "I just don't know how you want me to be." 

Leo smiled. "However you wanna be. How do you want me to be?" "Nice," Willie whispered.  
"Ain't I usually pretty nice to ya?" Leo sounded amused.  
"Yeah." 

"OK, then. You be nice too." "I am!" 

"I know! Keep being that way!" Leo looked over and grinned. "Just be you. Stop worrying. If you get outta line, I'll let ya know." 

"How?"  
"Willie. You're worrying about nothing. C'mon now." 

Willie didn't recognize Leo's block until Leo was parking the car. He was going to have to learn his way around this neighborhood. They got out of the car, and Leo grabbed the box from the back and said, "Go on up and get the door open for me." 

Willie let himself into the building and started up the stairs. Leo was on the third floor. We're on the third floor, he corrected himself. Leo trod heavily behind him with the box. He turned his key in the lock of the apartment's front door and pushed it open, then looked back at Leo. Leo made an impatient face. "Will ya move?" Willie bit his lip and walked into the kitchen. It was stupid to expect, he didn't know what he expected. What did he want, Leo to carry him over the threshold? They weren't getting married; they were just shacking up for more frequent sex and less rent. 

Leo put the box on the kitchen table, then walked back past Willie to shut the door. Willie gestured with his backpack. "Where should I put this?" 

"Put it in the bedroom for now. Hang your coat up first." 

Willie shrugged off his jacket and looked where Leo was pointing. Leo had cleared off his row of hooks behind the door so there were two empty ones, presumably for Willie. Willie hung his coat up and headed for the bedroom. His stomach felt all fluttery and he told himself he was pathetic. It was just a bedroom. He wondered why Leo was following him, and hoped he could get a drink or at least a cup of coffee before bending over. He opened the bedroom door and switched on the overhead light, then froze. 

The bedroom was different. There was a sleigh bed, bigger than Leo's old double bed, and turned diagonally so no one had to be squished against the wall. There was a wardrobe against the wall. Willie's bureau was snugged into a corner. Willie looked at Leo. "You changed it." 

"Do you like it?"  
Willie nodded. "Yeah, but, how did you, Leo--" 

Leo shrugged. "I lucked out. One of Theresa's friends was getting rid of the bed, and Theresa asked me if I wanted it, because I'd complained mine was squeaky. So I got it for real cheap, and bought some sheets on sale." 

"It's like the one at the inn."  
"It's not as big. It's only queen size." 

Willie bit his tongue and didn't joke. He walked over, tossed his bag on the bed, and jumped on it. The mattress was firm and comfy. "This isn't your mattress." 

"I bought a new one." 

"Leo!" 

"Well, you can't put an old mattress on a new bed. We'll be more comfortable." Willie wondered if maybe Leo was a little bit excited even though he was being so calm. Leo smiled a little and said, "Open the wardrobe." 

Willie opened it. He expected a TV. Instead, it was his clothes, all neatly hung up. Shelves on the bottom held his shoes, and drawers held socks and underwear. "Leo! Where did you get this?" 

"I bought it and put it together and painted it. It's just plywood."  
Willie looked at him. "You made it for me?"  
Leo shrugged. "Can't have you move in without closet space. My closet's stuffed with my stuff." 

Willie walked back to the doorway and hugged him, resting his head on Leo's shoulder. "Thank you, Leo." 

"I put your stuff in the kitchen cabinets too. And I put your movies in the video cabinet. I fit stuff in as I moved it in. You might wanna rearrange some stuff, but I figured this was better than walking in and having to deal with a bunch of boxes all weekend." 

"It is. Thank you. It's perfect." Willie focused on the feel of Leo's hands rubbing up and down his spine. "You wanna have some coffee?" 

"Nah."  
"Can I have some coffee?" 

Leo laughed, apparently at himself. "Oh! Yeah, sorry. Course. It's your house too. Do whatever you want." 

Willie walked out to the kitchen and opened a cabinet, peering in. "Leo, where's my coffee press?" "What?"  
"That thing I make coffee in."  
"The plunger thing?" 

"Yeah."  
"Oh. That's in a box of weird stuff I didn't know where it goes. In the hallway." "It goes in the cabinet," Willie explained. Leo got up from the table and went to fetch it. 

They spent the evening snacking and watching TV. Willie seemed kind of spacy, Leo thought. Preoccupied. Thinking about something. Willie did that a lot, actually, went far inside his head and just peeked out from those big green eyes. Sometimes Leo thought he was a little spooky. Theresa had hassled him all morning about what an idiot he was, moving in with some ex-con who was too much of a loser for her to even meet. Theresa kind of pissed him off when she did that hassling thing, but he realized it was mostly because she said out loud all the stuff he was scared of and trying not to think about. He was so glad they'd broken up now, because if he hadn't gotten with Willie, and he'd stayed with Theresa, she'd have driven him insane with the constant demand for sorting out every single fucking feeling. He glanced over at Willie's distant face, and thought the opposite wasn't the greatest either. There had to be a happy medium with some reasonable amount of discussion. 

It was close to midnight. Leo wondered if they were going to stay up all night. He'd been up since five cleaning and sorting stuff. Deal with your own shit, his counselor always told him. Willie looked fascinated by Jay Leno. Leo reached over and took his hand, and frowned to see Willie jump. "Willie." 

"Yeah?" 

"I'm beat. I'm goin' to bed." Willie just stared at him. Leo squeezed his hand and let go and stood up and stretched. Willie kept staring. "So, good night," Leo said. He leaned down and kissed Willie's cheek and left the room. 

Leo was drifting off when Willie climbed in next to him. Leo peered at the alarm clock. He'd been in bed twenty minutes. He grunted at Willie and closed his eyes again. Willie tossed and turned for a few minutes, and sighed heavily. Leo was trying to ignore him until he heard Willie say, "Leo?" He sounded upset. 

"Yeah?"  
"Are you awake?" 

Leo bit his lip and turned onto his back and sighed. "A little." "Well, I came to bed."  
Leo stared at the ceiling. "Yeah."  
Willie's voice was tight and small. "So, whaddaya want me to do?" 

Leo turned his head to look at Willie. It was too dark to see more than a silhouette. Willie had his hands over his eyes. Leo made his voice soft. "Have happy dreams?" He heard Willie swallow with a click. "Are you OK?" 

"Leo?" 

Leo heard the squeak in Willie's voice and rolled over and hugged him. Willie clung to him, hard, and Leo felt suffocated for a second. He rubbed Willie's back and waited for him to relax a little. Leo realized he didn't even feel annoyed. He didn't have work in the morning, and if Willie took a little while to settle, that was OK. It was just nice to have him there, warm in his arms, and know that he didn't have to leave. He kissed Willie's cheek. "I'm glad you're here." 

"Why?" Willie whispered. 

Leo smiled to himself in the dark. "Cuz I miss you when you're not here." 

"Why?" 

Leo kissed his cheek again. "Cuz I love you." 

Willie whispered, "Leo," and pressed against him. Leo could feel him relaxing now, getting soft and cuddly. "I thought--" 

Leo growled, "I know what you thought. What'd I tell you?" Willie didn't answer him. Leo smacked Willie's butt lightly. "Huh? What'd I tell you?" 

Willie wiggled against him. "I'm not your bitch," he said quietly. "That's right. What are you?"  
"I'm yours," Willie sighed.  
"OK, then," Leo crooned. "Sleep now." 

Thursday evening, April 1 

Leo and Pat had been talking about the lab assistant for half an hour, and how empty her life must be that she could spend so much time taking points off of their lab reports. She had actually marked Leo down over spelling errors, like science had anything to do with spelling. And another one she hadn't even accepted because it hadn't been typed. Leo had asked Willie to come to the 

library with him and type up his stuff at the library's computer lab while he did the rest of his homework, but Willie had sworn he didn't know how to type. He'd gotten weirdly upset about it too, so Leo had dropped it. Maybe it was too girly of an activity. Leo was worried though, because he was falling behind, and now the certification test was only two months away. 

Pat waved a hand in front of his face and then pointed at his glass. "You ready?" Pat asked. 

Leo looked at the time on his cellphone and swilled the last two mouthfuls of beer. "Quick one, then I gotta go." 

Pat signalled the bartender for another round. "What are you daydreaming about?" 

Leo smiled. "It's not day anymore." Then he realized that was something Willie would say. He must be rubbing off, he figured. Pat looked annoyed. Leo wondered if he sounded gay yet. "Sorry," he apologized. "It's nothin'. I'm just thinkin' how much work I gotta do." 

"Just a few months to go now," Pat encouraged. "It'll be behind us. We're gonna get through it. Anyway, the weekend's almost here. Are you meeting us tomorrow night? Marilyn wants to get Indian food." 

Leo sipped his fresh beer and considered. "I have to check with Willie. He might have plans." There was an upside of couplehood right there; he could be unavailable and blame Willie. 

Pat's pint slammed a little when he put it on the bar. "Willie? Shit, Leo! You're still seeing him?" 

Leo's eyes narrowed. He thought they'd been over this. Well, they hadn't actually said a word about it; they'd just seen each other in class and decided to act like nothing had happened. It's not like they didn't have plenty of other stuff to talk about. After a minute, Leo said, "I told you I was serious about him. What, did ya think I was lying?" 

Pat sighed. "I thought you would come to your senses." Leo shrugged. "Not yet, man." 

"Well, can you go out without him? He doesn't have to come everywhere, does he? Marilyn can bring one of her friends." 

Leo looked into his beer. Willie had pitched a fit this morning when he'd told him he was having a drink with Pat after school. A stupid hysterical namecalling fit. And Leo had sat down in a kitchen chair and pulled Willie over his knee and spanked him for five minutes and scolded him about respect and not pitching fits in the morning. Willie hadn't cried or even resisted; he'd just gone silently outraged and furious. But when Leo was leaving for work, Willie had let him kiss his cheek goodbye and had choked out a "goodbye" for him, which Leo understood was for Willie a serious effort to accept discipline. Leo took another sip of beer and looked directly at Pat. "Did I tell you he moved in with me? We're living together now. I really have to check with him." 

Pat stared and then sighed. "You're an idiot. What, are you supporting him now?" 

Leo frowned. "Are you worried about my finances, Pat?" He stopped and swallowed hard. "Y'know, we just can't talk about this, OK? We disagree. I'm in love and you're suspicious or whatever, so let's just leave my personal life out of it. Y'know, no, I can't make it tomorrow night. Why don't you ask Tommy and Allison?" 

Pat drummed his fingers on the bar, annoyed. "Because when we go out with them, Marilyn gets all worked up about how beautiful weddings are and how fucking GREAT that they're getting married and I feel like she's pressuring me to get married and I don't want the idea in her head. So no happily engaged Tommy and Allison." 

Leo smiled. "Well, maybe you should go out with us; she can feel pressured into blow jobs and anal sex." 

Pat's choked laughter made beer run out of his nose. He cursed and slapped Leo's shoulder and then laughed some more. Leo smiled and handed him a wad of napkins. Finally Pat stopped laughing and sipped gently at his beer before saying, "At least you got a sense of humor about it." He wiped at a damp spot on the bar. "I guess I don't get how come if he's so submissive you gotta check with him about going out and stuff." 

Leo stared at him and wondered how much he should say. "I thought we weren't gonna talk about this." 

Pat blushed suddenly. "Oh. Oh shit. I, um, y'know, there's, uh, submissive's OK. Hey, if it feels good, right? I'm not judging." 

Leo glared. "You're totally judging. But it's not even the point. The point is I would check with him because I respect him and we're in a relationship and it's 

the right thing to do." He finished his beer and stood up. "Speaking of which, I think he's making supper, so I gotta get going. Have a good weekend." 

"Oh, hey, wait up, Leo. Listen."  
"What?"  
"Have you said anything to Tommy yet?" 

"I haven't seen him, so no. Did you?" 

"Not my news to tell. But he's talking about fixing you up with a bridesmaid since you're an usher. You might wanna say somethin'. I told him I thought you were seein' someone, but I said you were secretive about it. He was gonna call you." 

Leo patted Pat's shoulder. Not telling Tommy straight out was the nicest Pat had been about it so far; that and understanding about the car. "Thanks, man. I'll give him a call and sort it out. Say hi to Marilyn for me." 

Pat smirked. "Yeah, I would say hi to your boyfriend but he's just kind of a rumor to me since you can never go out." Leo made a face, then headed out into the fresh air. He could feel the nights were starting to warm up. He stopped at a bodega and picked up some cookies for Willie and another sixpack of beer, and headed for the subway. 

***** 

Willie stared at the clock and wished he'd gone out with Justin. But no, he had to be a good little wifey and come home and make dinner like a fucking idiot. Like Leo would even eat if he'd been out drinking this long. Some sane voice at the back of his head tried to point out that nine o'clock wasn't very late, but he ignored it and went back to feeling sorry for himself. He'd made lasagna, on the theory that it reheats well for late boyfriends. He really shouldn't be making anything after Leo'd been so horrible this morning; he should have gone out to dinner with Justin and let Leo feed himself. If he was gonna be excluded from things, then it wasn't fair because this was supposed to be about Leo liking him, not about what his friends thought. Willie supposed it would be different if he had friends of his own. Leo had millions of friends. Willie stared glumly at the TV. Friends were stupid, anyway, and just caused a lot of problems. He had Xena Warrior Princess. He looked at the clock again and wished Leo would come home. He'd already decided that he'd starve to death before he'd try phoning him. He was not giving him the satisfaction of a phone call after the, after this morning. Willie didn't know what to call it. The incident. The discipline. That's what it was. It was Leo bringing him up short, like a dog on a choke chain. Don't scold me like a bitch first thing in the 

morning and question where I go. That was today's lesson. That and the real lesson underneath, which was I can do this to you and you'll let me. Willie chewed on his thumb. He had let him, too. He hadn't even tried to pull away. He'd stayed over Leo's knee and let him push his robe out of the way and spank him. It was stupid and embarrassing. It had hurt, too. Not horribly, like that first night, but it had burned, and hadn't totally worn off till he'd got to work. Leo had hard hands. The burning ass thing turned out not to be sexy at all. It was just another sucky part of the blood rushing to his head while he stared at the kitchen floor waiting for it to be over and wishing Leo would shut the fuck up about all the lessons he was supposed to learn. Don't start shit in the morning was the big lesson, he figured. 

He was good at holding still while people did stuff to him. He'd learned in jail after that first month or so with Diego that it was better to just hold still and go someplace else in his head and wait for it to be over. He didn't really know where he went; he thought of it as the ceiling because sometimes he seemed to be looking down on himself from above, but he knew he wasn't really floating by the ceiling. Sometimes he floated right through it, up into the starry night, looking for the hole in the sky so he could push his head through and ask his mother why things were like this. She used to spank him, and that's where he learned to hold still and not make it worse. She'd spanked him when he forgot to be quiet and hide. That time that man punched her and he'd run out screaming "I'll kill you!" The man had held him off easily, one-handed, and laughed at him, called him a firecracker, said he was cute. His mother had looked at him like he was in big trouble, though, and sent him back to his room, and after they were done with that stuff and the man left, she'd come in and spanked him for a long time. He was never, never, never supposed to stop hiding. Always hide, no matter what, until the man went away. Even if she cried or bled, hide until the man went away. 

He jumped when he heard Leo's key in the door, his heart thudding in his ears, until he realized it really was just Leo and not a bad man. He shook himself, hard. What was he daydreaming about? He heard Leo dumping stuff on the table, probably not even noticing it was set. There was loud sniffing and Leo saying in a fake loud voice, "Mmmm. Something smells good." Willie turned the TV off and headed for the kitchen. It was bright after the darkness of the living room. Leo's smile was even brighter. "Hi Willie! How was your day?" He held his arms out. 

Willie bit his lip and hugged himself. He wasn't going to run into Leo's arms like a dog jumping up when he came home. "Hi. It was good. How was yours?" 

"You don't got a hug for me?" Willie rolled his eyes and stomped over to Leo. Leo hugged him tightly. Impulsively, Willie picked up his feet and wrapped his legs around Leo's hips. Leo let out a bark of surprise and staggered a second, then caught his ass and hoisted Willie up a little before sinking down into a kitchen chair and hugging him close again. Willie put his head on Leo's shoulder and let Leo stroke his hair. His mother used to do that too. He never went to the ceiling with Leo, never. He stayed right with him, feeling himself giving in. It was more embarrassing but less scary. Leo kissed his neck. "Was your day really good, hon?" 

"It improved as it went on."  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Yeah."  
Leo nibbled at his ear. "So this is the best part right now then?" Willie scrunched up his shoulder. "I hope not." 

Leo snickered and rubbed his back. "What smells so good? Did you cook?" "Lasagna. We might have to nuke it a little."  
"Is there salad?" 

Willie sighed. "I didn't make one." He climbed off of Leo and huffed over to the fridge. "There's lettuce, if you really want a salad, I could just try to make one now." He sighed again. 

Leo laughed. "Yeah, Willie. Make some salad, please. If it's not too much trouble." 

Willie frowned and sighed and pulled out the lettuce. "Whatever." Leo sounded amused when he said, "Look in the bag on the table." 

"I'm trying to make a salad here!" Willie wiped his hands and looked in the bag. Beer. Sierra Nevada though, which he liked. And chocolate chip cookies! He looked sheepishly at Leo. "Thanks." 

It was nice having dinner together. Willie hadn't realized how much he liked company at dinner. Leo's company, anyway. Not that they had big intellectual conversations or anything. But he liked listening to Leo ramble on about everything he did today. Everything mattered to Leo so much. And he was always noticing stuff. Like, if someone did something funny on the subway, Leo remembered it and told him. Willie could barely remember being on the subway; he tried to block it out. Leo finished up his day with ". . . and then I met Pat for a drink and came home." 

That was kind of an abrupt ending. "How is Pat?" Willie asked, around a mouthful of lasagna. It did come out pretty good, he had to admit. 

"Pat's Pat. He says hi." 

Willie snorted. "Right." 

Leo shrugged. "He did." 

"Yeah, well, only to be polite." 

"Nothing wrong with polite." 

"Oh! Reminds me. You got mail." Willie nodded at the papers on top of the microwave. 

Leo sighed and got up and brought them back to the table. "Can you put it on my bureau? It's gonna get lost in the kitchen, Willie." 

"Not if you open it."  
"What, it's too far to walk to the bedroom and put it on my bureau?" 

"I carried it upstairs!"  
"Oh, was it too heavy for poopsie?" 

Willie felt himself blushing and put his fork down. His stomach clenched up. Leo was calling him a faggot. Well, he was a faggot. Why was he complaining? What was the big deal with just putting the mail on his fucking bureau? He felt like the cleaning lady, doing overtime as the cook. Just because he got home a few hours earlier didn't mean this was all his job. And Leo was supposed to put his name on the mailbox too, and it still wasn't there, and that wasn't right. Leo was ignoring him and looking at the creamy engraved envelope, a flagrant wedding invitation. Mr. Leonard Handler and guest. Willie tried to remember the last time he'd been to a wedding. It had been while Leo was in jail. He'd gotten invited along with Frank to some MTA official's wedding, and Erica had looked beautiful, and they'd danced all night on the waterfront in Manhattan. He tried to push it out of his mind before he remembered making love in the dawnlit gazebo in her backyard, but he wasn't fast enough to forget her party dress falling off her shoulders and the way she stared up at him, and the way she'd stared up at him while she fell that last time, so puzzled, because she hadn't really believed he was bad, not deep down. He stood up and headed for the bathroom. He heard Leo calling him back, but he ignored him and locked the door and splashed cold water on his face and let it run and run over his hands till they were freezing. He took deep breaths. Leo made him so emotional. He tried to think. OK. This wedding was some bullshit with Leo's 

friends that he obviously wasn't invited to. Nothing to get worked up about. Leo would probably go by himself, and probably dance with some girl, and maybe get laid, but he'd probably come back anyway, and it was just one night. Willie splashed more water on his face. Leo was knocking on the door now. Willie croaked, "Yeah?" 

"What's the matter?" 

"Nothing." 

"Willie, cut the shit. Come outta the bathroom and tell me what's wrong." 

Willie turned the water off and dried his face and hands, then opened the door. "Nothing's wrong. Are you done eating?" 

Leo took his hand and led him out to the kitchen. "I was only teasing about the mail being heavy. I didn't mean nothing. Poopsie don't even mean nothing except that you're cute." 

"I don't like it." 

"OK, Willie. I apologize. Don't you wanna finish your lasagna? You were hungry before. Here, I'll nuke it for ya. Sit down." 

Willie sat and sipped his beer. The microwave beeped and Leo put his steaming dinner plate in front of him and patted his shoulder. He sat down again and nudged the open invitation to the side and ate some more lasagna. Willie took a deep breath. "When's the wedding?" 

"Oh, that?" Leo nudged the envelope again, like there were more wedding invitations laying around to confuse the issue. Willie bit his lip and nodded. Leo said, "May. I gotta call him and sort some stuff out. I was supposed to be an usher, but I don't know if I'm gonna have time now with school and everything." 

Had Leo really become such a workaholic that he didn't have time to go to a wedding that was a month away? Probably not. Willie didn't know what to say. He took a deep breath and tried. "I'm glad I don't gotta go. I wouldn't know anyone there anyway. I would rather you just went by yourself than tried to drag me to some boring thing like that." 

Leo looked at him sympathetically. "Are you gonna tell me what's wrong?" Willie looked at him appealingly. "I'll make a deal with ya, OK?"  
"What deal?" 

"You go to the wedding, and, y'know, dance and stuff, but--" Willie stopped. He'd been gonna promise that if Leo didn't cheat on him, he'd reward him with all his extra special sex treats. Only he already did all the extra special treats for Leo. He'd forgotten to hold something back, so now he had no rewards. 

"But what, hon? What's wrong? You don't want me to go to the wedding?" "I thought we were a couple."  
Leo frowned. "We are!"  
"So how could you go on a date with some guest then?" 

Leo smiled and took his hand. "That's what I'm saying, Will. I'm either not going, or I'm going by myself, or I'm bringing you as my guest. I'm not going with anyone else. You're inventing shit to worry about now." 

"But your friends hate me!" 

"They do not. They never even met you. Stop worrying about my friends and let me deal with them. Are you done with your dinner?" Willie nodded. Leo smiled. "Alright. It's time for bed." 

"I want some cookies." 

"OK. What were you watching when I came in?" 

"Xena." 

"Alright. Take some cookies and go watch Xena and stop worrying. I'll clean up out here. But then we're going to bed." 

Willie didn't feel like arguing. He took a big glass of milk and the whole bag of cookies into the living room. Probably Leo would want to spend more time with him if he was more pleasant instead of getting all stupid and hiding in the bathroom. Hiding turned out not to be the best strategy all the time. He listened to Leo washing the dishes and wondered why he'd been sent away. He got up to help wipe and then he heard Leo talking low into his new cellphone headpiece. Leo said, "OK, well, I'm telling ya now....No, I woulda rather told you in person, but I never see you no more....Since Christmas...." Leo's voice changed then. It got softer and warmer. "Yeah. I am. I really am. It's freaky but it's so, y'know, all the hard shit's easy with him, y'know?....Oh, like, I really do care how his day was, y'know? And y'know, y'know how the person wants to tell you their dreams and shit? And who the fuck cares? But with him, I'm like fascinated, I'm like, what an amazing crazy brain he's got, my cutiepie! Tell me more of your dream!" Leo laughed. After a minute he said, "Yeah, I know. Well, no, it's not what I expected, but it's good. No, we hooked up over Christmas 

and we been together since New Year's. He was my Christmas present. What?" Another pause and then, "Oh, no, he just found out like two weeks ago....Well, cuz he's Pat. He's not too good with it....Oh no, Willie thinks everything's about him. He's all dramatic." Leo chuckled. "Oh, OK. I'll talk to him. And we'll try and have brunch soon? Alright. OK. Say hi to Allison. Bye." 

Willie watched while Leo removed the earpiece from his head and tucked it into his pocket and rinsed another pot. Leo turned away from the sink to get the dishtowel and saw Willie sitting in the doorway. "How long you been sitting there?" He walked over and pulled Willie to his feet and wiped his face. "Why are you crying, sweetie? What is the matter? The cookies weren't good?" 

"Did you mean it?"  
"Mean what?"  
"I'm like a present?"  
Leo smiled at him and kissed his forehead. "Yeah, I mean it. That mushy enough for you?" 

Willie cried harder and hugged him. "I don't got any rewards left!" 

Leo cuddled him. "You're so worked up, honey. I got no idea what you're talking about." 

"I gave you everything already!" 

"C'mon, you're going to bed. All you gotta give me is love, Willie." Leo pushed him towards the hallway . 

"I left the TV on!"  
"I'm gonna get it. You go get into bed." 

***** 

Leo turned Xena off and cleared up the cookie crumbs and dumped the undrunk milk back into the carton. He made lunches for the morning and filled water bottles and checked that Willie's work shirt was ironed. He wished he could get Willie to take care of this kind of routine shit, but obviously Willie wasn't up for it right now. He wished he knew why he was so weepy and bitchy today. He set up the coffee maker and put out the clean coffee cups, old ones that had been his mother's. That's when he remembered and had to sit down. April 1st. Erica's birthday. She used to joke about being the original fool. 

Leo took a cigarette out of the pack Willie had left on the table. Fuck. He shouldn't have spanked him. Oh double fuck. He'd forgotten to call his aunt, like he did on all the significant days. Truth be told, he hadn't called his aunt in 

weeks, because it was dishonest not to explain his situation, and as soon as he did she'd disown him, and it would be ugly. Probably it would be bad timing to call her now on her dead daughter's birthday and confess that he forgot until now because he was so in love with her killer. No, he was gonna let that one slide a little bit. He should have remembered Erica, though. Poor Erica. She'd have been weirded out by this Willie thing. But maybe she could have given him pointers. Make him feel like a man, or whatever. 

Leo stubbed out the cigarette and went into the bedroom. Willie was in bed, but he was lying on his stomach with his head buried in his arms and his legs spread -- his best treat me like an object pose. Leo undressed and lay down beside him, leaving the nightlight on to battle Willie's fear of the dark. "Willie?" Willie grunted. Leo stroked his hair. "Can I get a hug?" Willie raised his head a little. He looked miserable and exhausted. Leo slid an arm under his chest and pulled a little, and Willie moved over and snuggled against him, clinging. Leo held him close and rubbed his back. "Listen, Willie. I wanna apologize to you." 

"You didn't do nothin'," Willie whispered. 

Leo took a deep breath. "I wasn't thinkin'. I only just remembered what today is. I shouldn't have been so strict this morning. It's a hard day for you. I'm sorry. If I'd have remembered, I wouldn't have gone out and left you here alone." 

Willie sniffled. Leo kept hugging him. Finally Willie said, "It's OK. Leo?" "Yeah?"  
"Is there anything -- any sex thing you wanna do to me that we never did?" Leo thought about it. "No. Do you want somethin'?"  
"I like how it is."  
"Mmm." Leo could feel Willie relaxing against him a little. "You know what I like?"  
"What?" 

"I like when we look in each other's eyes while we do it and get all emotional." Willie whined and pressed his face hard into Leo's shoulder. Leo smiled. "You don't like that, do ya?" Willie usually covered his eyes after about half a second of that. It was a great half-second though. 

"It's embarrassing," Willie whispered. 

"For me to see how you feel? I like that. I care how you feel." Willie's fingers pressed against his lips. Leo smiled and talked anyway. "You don't want me to say that I care?" 

"You're embarrassing me," Willie said. 

"How can you be embarrassed with me? It's me, Willie. C'mon." 

Willie flopped over suddenly onto his back. "Cuz I feel it with you. Before, I just tried not to notice it. I sorta went away in my head. Now I don't do that no more. I stay with you and feel it. It's, I dunno. It's..." He took a deep breath. "Do you think we can stay friends when we break up?" 

Leo turned onto his side and stared at Willie's profile. He kissed his shoulder. "You wanna talk about seeing a counselor again?" 

"No!"  
"OK. What can I do to make you feel more secure?"  
"You didn't answer my question!"  
"How many times this week have you asked me that question, Willie?" "A couple, maybe. I'm just checkin'."  
"OK. What did I say every other time you asked me?"  
"We're not breaking up."  
"Right. You don't believe me?"  
"But things could change!" 

Leo laughed, but not in a very funny way. He sat up and put his hands on Willie's shoulders and shook him very gently. "You gotta get a grip, Willie." He patted Willie's chest and said, "I got an idea. Hold on." He got out of bed and warned Willie to watch his eyes before turning on the overhead light. He rummaged through the closet and pulled out a box. 

Willie's eyes narrowed. He knew that box from his afternoon of snooping last month. That was the sex toys box. Leo didn't jump up and accuse him of tampering, so he must not have noticed that things had been moved. He tossed a bottle of body oil in the trash. Willie sat up and feigned ignorance. "What's that?" 

"Kinky crap." Leo looked at him. "You gonna pretend you haven't snooped through all my shit?"  
"You snooped through mine."  
"No I didn't." 

Willie shrugged. "What are you throwing away?" 

"Other people's body oil that I got no more use for cuz I'm not with them anymore." 

Willie smiled and got out of bed to crouch beside Leo. He poked the stack of photos. "Who's more fun to spank, me or her?" 

Leo looked surprised. "Apples and oranges."  
"She had that cellulite shit?"  
Leo snorted. "No. I mean, it's totally different." "What? How is it different? What am I doing wrong?" "Do you have to go the bathroom or anything?" "No." 

"Alright. Back in the bed then." Willie stood up and backed towards the bed. Leo took a pair of velcro handcuffs out of the box and then put the box away and turned the big light off. He got back into the bed and grabbed Willie's arm. Willie whimpered and held both his wrists out in front of him. Leo wrapped one cuff around Willie's left wrist and the other around his own right wrist, but he left the long light chain between the cuffs dangling and didn't try to clip the cuffs together. "OK, Willie. Now, I don't want you ever to leave me. I want to keep you with me always. I want you with me so much that I'm going to cuff us together for the night so I know you're right there with me, OK?" 

Willie pulled at the velcro a little. "But I could just take this right off." "I know. But I'm not gonna take mine off. Are you gonna take yours off?" "No," Willie whispered. 

"OK, then. I want you to get some sleep and not worry anymore tonight. You're mine and you're perfectly OK, understand?" Willie nodded. "Alright. Sweet dreams." 

"Aren't you gonna fuck me?"  
"Nope. You're going to sleep."  
"Do you want me to have a sex change operation?"  
Leo sighed. "Is that a serious question?"  
"Maybe. Maybe I could, maybe it would be better. I could be your girlfriend." 

Leo rubbed Willie's chest. "Alright, honey. Listen to me and then that's it and you're going to sleep. Do you feel like a woman trapped in a man's body? Do you want your dick cut off?" 

"No!" Willie shuddered. 

"OK. Then let's stop talking about a sexchange operation, OK? You like being a man, and you're used to it, and you're good at it. You were just complaining about change, and then you say something like that."  
"I wanna do something special for you!" 

Leo sighed. "OK, sweetie. Here's what you can do. Trust me, OK?"  
"I trust you!"  
"Then stop thinking I'll leave you. I want you to believe in us as a real couple." "But, what if--" 

"I know!" Leo interrupted. "I know! What if it's a mistake? What if you trust me, and then, when all your defenses are down, I just dump you and laugh and break your heart and it'll hurt so fucking much! What if that happens?" Willie seemed to be shocked into silent horror, so he talked more softly. "What if it was the other way around and you did that to me? Dumped me and broke my heart?" 

"I would never!" 

"Never?" 

"That was-- that was different! That was totally different!" 

Leo sighed. "I know, I'm just sayin'. At some point you gotta just stop freaking and believe in us. That's what I want you to do for me." 

"But you could never --" 

Leo's fingers covered his mouth. "If you're about to say that you're not lovable enough, just shut up. That's another thing we're stopping. No more badmouthing yourself. I'll spank you if I hear you doing it, talking about yourself like you're some kinda loser. You're a good person and anyone would love you." 

After a second, Willie said, "I can still think it though!" 

"Yeah, I guess you can. But that's not what I want. I want you to trust me and feel better about yourself. I think that would be very sexy." 


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part 2 of Exchanges

Thursday, April 8 

Willie hadn't told them at work. He'd just told Tony he'd moved and changed his address. Tony hadn't asked any questions. People at work mostly didn't. Willie kept to himself and did his boring job. Justin was the only one who tried to get close. Sometimes he succeeded. Other times he pissed Willie off. Willie could never figure out what his angle was. Justin was older, a lot older, like in his fifties, and he acted all faggy and lived with his rich boyfriend of many years, who was even older. Willie didn't even get why Justin bothered to work, let alone why he wanted to be friends. At first Willie had thought it was a sex thing, that Justin was cozying up, but Justin never propositioned him, he just kept being friendly for no apparent reason. Like now. Willie had gotten paid like everyone else, but Justin was insisting on paying for the afterwork drinks, and he'd even thrown in some appetizers, which was good because Willie had been getting kind of drunk on an empty stomach. 

He didn't want to get home before Leo, though. He knew Leo was lying about how many classes he had on Thursdays because he always came home on Thursdays smelling like beer. Willie had caught himself at lunch coming up with a plan to go to Leo's school and follow him to see where he was going and who with, and then he'd been horrified at what a stalkerish thought it was and decided to accept Justin's drinking invitation after all. Drinking with Justin would keep him out of trouble. Leo was probably only drinking with his friends, since obviously he didn't really like to go out in public with his boyfriend anymore. And there was never any lipstick or female cologne smell or anything. Justin had been idly chatting about annoying customers and Tony's incompetence for awhile, and then suddenly there was a silence. Into the silence, Justin said, "Will?" 

"Huh? What? I'm sorry, did you say something?" 

"I said, what's up with you? Why do you keep checking your phone?" 

Willie put his phone in his pocket and sipped his drink. "No, nothing's up." 

Justin looked shrewd. "How's Leo?" 

Willie felt himself blush and hated it. He hoped it just looked like drunken redfacedness. "He's fine," he said, and tried to shrug. 

Justin lit a cigarette. "Yeah? That's good. I noticed he's not calling you so much." It was true. After their Valentine's trip, Leo used to phone him during the day, just to talk. They'd whisper into their headsets while Leo mopped floors and Willie shelved CDs. It had been nice, those long conversations about 

nothing. They still had them, only now they tended to have them snuggled up in bed. And sometimes they were about something. Last night, they'd talked about their mothers. Willie had even told about how his mother had been killed, how he'd found her body when she didn't get him up for school. He'd never told anybody that before. Leo had hugged him and been all comforting and hadn't said he should be over it or anything like that. They'd hugged for a long time. Willie jumped when Justin asked, "Are you fighting?" 

"Huh? Oh! No! No, Leo's, we're fine. We're not fighting." "You just don't talk as much?" 

Willie sighed. There was no reason to keep a secret, really. It was just that he liked it as his private good fortune, his special blessing that made everything else irrelevant. "We talk, Justin. Just not as much on the phone. I moved in with him." 

"Oh! Oh my god! Why didn't you tell me?" Justin looked surprised and pleased. "We should drink to that!" 

Willie shrugged and raised his glass. "OK. To Leo."  
"To you and Leo," Justin corrected, and clicked glasses with him. 

They drank and Willie smiled at Justin. It was nice that someone was happy for him. Justin was good, Willie decided. He said, "See, now I'm a married fag like you. We can trade recipes and shit." He laughed and swilled down some more of his drink. 

Justin smiled back and leaned forward. "Excellent. Are you gonna get rings? I know a great jeweler." 

Willie stopped smiling. Leo hadn't said anything about rings. Technically, he hadn't said anything about being married. He'd just said they were each other's husbands, and Willie had kind of taken it from there in his head. But that might have just been a joke, or a saying, and really it was just boyfriends or maybe fuckbuddies. Not bitch though. Leo had definitely said he wasn't his bitch. Willie stood up abruptly. "I gotta take a leak." In the men's room, he tried to call Leo but it went to voicemail, and he didn't know what to say so he just hung up. Leo probably couldn't hear his phone in whatever bar he was in, drinking with his real friends Willie wasn't allowed to meet. Willie blew his nose and lit a cigarette. A voice said, "Hey! There's no smoking in here!" 

Another voice, more familiar, said, "Oh for chrissakes, you want fresh air in the fucking john? Why don't you get a life and stop lurking in here, anyway?" A door 

slammed and then Justin's voice continued, more quietly, "Will? Wanna come outta there? No one else is in here now. Come on out." Willie didn't know what to say. He opened the door and stepped out. Justin smiled at him, then reached for the cigarette and took a drag on it. He handed the cigarette back and patted Willie's shoulder. "Finish that up now and then splash some water on your face. Come on." Willie took one last drag and tossed the butt in the toilet, then dutifully wet his hands and wiped his face. Justin handed him some paper towel and then his jacket. "Come on. You're going home now." 

"I'm OK. We should drink more." 

"Nope. I gotta go home to Don, and you gotta go home to Leo." Willie figured he could go drink by himself. He followed Justin out of the bathroom and through the bar to the sidewalk, and waited while Justin hailed a cab. He'd see him off and then head downtown, he figured. The cab came, and Justin turned to say goodnight, only instead he said, "Look, I'm sorry if I said something that upset you. I didn't mean to. I think you and Leo make a good couple. But sometimes you gotta work at these things. So you get home and work on it." He pushed Willie towards the cab. "I'll see you tomorrow." 

"No, that's your cab."  
"Get in, Willie."  
"I don't got money." The winning argument, Willie figured. "I'll take the subway." 

Justin shoved him again and handed bills to the driver. "He's going to the Bronx. Get in, I said, Will, right now." Willie let himself be pushed into the cab. Justin shut the door firmly and knocked on the top of the car, and they drove off. Willie gave the driver Leo's address and settled back. What was he getting so upset about? Jewelry? It was crazy. What did he care if they were boyfriends instead of husbands? It was just words. Words don't mean anything. He stared miserably out the window and wished he was drunker. Actions mean things. If you were married, you met each other's friends. Leo had met Justin. But he hadn't met any of Leo's friends, even though Leo talked about them all the time. It was starting to get a little awkward. Leo was embarrassed to tell his friends about him. Willie could understand that. Leo didn't trust him not to act faggy in front of people. Willie didn't think he acted that faggy, but maybe it was one of those things like bad breath that you couldn't tell for yourself. 

Anyway, it was stupid to be upset about it. He had Leo. He didn't need a ring or any kind of special title. Being with Leo was more important than meeting his friends. He might not even like his friends if he did meet them. He was with Leo, and that's all that matters. For the first time he was grateful that it took so long to get back to the Bronx, because it gave him time to calm down. 

The cab dropped him in front of Leo's apartment -- our apartment, he reminded himself. The lights were on, so Leo must be home already. Willie checked the time on his phone. It was early for Leo to be home on a Thursday. Willie went inside, but at the top of the stairs, outside their apartment, he paused. There were laughing men's voices coming from inside their apartment. They even sounded a little boisterous. He could hear Leo's voice among them. "Fuckin' ante up! Are we playin' or drinkin'?" Several voices answered, "Drinking!" More laughter. Willie fumbled with his keys, dropped them, picked them up, and then sat down on the stairs. Had Leo forgotten about him? Was he supposed to stay out longer? 

He couldn't read minds. He got his phone out and called Leo. He heard Leo's phone ringing through the thin wall against his shoulder. Then Leo said "Hello?" 

"It's me," Willie said. It came out quiet. "Willie," he clarified. "Hi, me," Leo said. He sounded happy. "Where are you?"  
"Out here."  
"Where?" 

Willie cleared his throat. "In the hall. I, um, I didn't know you'd be here. With people. I just, um, I'll go to Lyle's, I guess, but, do you know how, like, are you gonna go late?" His voice was shaky. Leo didn't say anything. "Leo?" 

The door opened behind him, and then Leo crossed the landing and sat down next to him, put his arm around his shoulders. He took Willie's phone out of his hand and closed it and handed it back to him. He kissed Willie's cheek. "I'm glad you're home. Come in the house, honey." 

Willie pressed against him. He felt like a husband. I need a husband, Willie thought. Then he shook his head. "What about them?" he asked. 

"What about them?" Leo repeated, reinflecting. "I'll introduce you. C'mon." Willie clutched at his arm. "No, Leo!" 

"It'll be OK, Will." He smoothed his hair again. "You gotta be on my side though, OK?" 

Willie nodded. Of course he was on Leo's side. He was more on Leo's side than Leo sometimes. "You don't have to," he whispered. 

Leo rubbed his back and kissed his forehead. "Yes, I do. Come on, now. Hold my hand." He stood up and tugged on Willie's hand. Willie stood up, and Leo led him across the landing to their front door. They could hear scuffled footsteps as eavesdroppers returned to their seats. 

Willie had turned the foyer into a small dining room, into which the front door opened directly. He stepped inside and saw a card game in progress, the table littered with money, cards, corn chips, ashtrays, and puddles of beer. Three men sat around the table. At the far end of the table was a big blue-eyed redheaded guy in some kind of dark blue uniform shirt. On the side of the table and facing the door was a dark Italian-looking guy with a gold horn on a gold chain above his v-necked sweatshirt. Nearest to the door was a blond guy in a light blue t-shirt, with the coldest blue eyes Willie had ever seen, and a golden scrim of beard stubble. They were all staring. The dark-haired one said, "It is a guy!" 

Willie felt Leo's grip on his hand tighten, and he squeezed back. Leo said, "Um, I want you all to meet my roommate Will Gutierrez. He's my, um--" 

"Roommate," Willie said. 

"Boyfriend," Leo corrected. "He's my boyfriend." There was a moment of shocked stillness. Leo cleared his throat and squeezed Willie's shoulders. "Will, that big redheaded guy over there is Pat Keenan." Pat waved and smiled a little uncertainly. Leo continued. "The dark-haired one is John Triano, and this is John's cousin Sal Triano." They didn't look related to Willie, but he nodded and smiled at everyone, and held out his hand sort of halfway between the cousins. Neither of them reached for it. 

Willie could feel Leo getting tense beside him, and then Pat stood up and reached across the table to take his hand. "Nice to meet you, Will. What kinda name is Gutierrez?" 

John snorted. "Spanish, derrr." 

Willie felt distracted. He could feel Leo being upset just in the way his hand felt on his elbow. He turned to look at Leo but Leo nudged him at Pat. Pat said, "Is it Puerto Rican?" 

"Mexican," Willie said. "My mother was from Mexico." Sal said, "It ain't your father's name?" 

Willie bit his lip. He took a deep breath to answer when Pat suddenly stood up and said, "Want a beer, Will? I mean, it's your house, but you should sit and join us, right, Leo?" 

"Yeah, absolutely." Leo pulled out a chair next to Pat and pushed Willie into it. A beer was put in front of him. 

Willie said, "My mother--" 

Pat interrupted. "My father was such an asshole I don't even use his name, the piece of shit. I took my mother's maiden name instead. Who gives a shit about all that old traditional shit anyway? Where'd you meet Leo?" 

John said, "Yeah, Leo. What gay bars you been hanging out at?" 

Sal stood up and said, "You told us you were studying. Guess you were learning new things, huh?" They both laughed. 

Leo stared at them a minute. "You're being very immature." 

John said, "Yeah? You-- what the fuck, Leo, you got a fucking boyfriend? What is this bullshit? I mean, no offense to Mr. Gonzalez here, I'm sure he's a nice gay and all, but what the fuck, Leo?" 

Willie stood up, but Leo tugged on his arm and he sat down again. Leo took a deep breath. "OK. Alright. You got a point. Alright. Yes, I have a boyfriend now. It was kind of a surprise, but it turns out to be a good thing, and I'm very happy with him. Now I'm introducing him to my friends. You got that?" No one said anything. Leo said, more strongly, "You got that?" 

"Yeah, OK," Sal muttered. John nodded.  
Leo said, "OK, where were we? Who's dealing?" 

Pat grabbed the cards. "I am." He started dealing, then paused. "Sal, sit down. Will, you want in?" 

Willie sipped his beer. "I think I'll just watch, thanks."  
John stood up and moved next to his cousin. "We gotta get going," John said. 

Leo said, "No way. You owe me still. You can't just win my money and leave." He smiled, but it looked forced to Willie. 

John stared at him for a long minute, and then took out his wallet. He put twenty dollars on the table and shrugged into his jacket. "We'll see ya around, Leo." The cousins turned and headed for the door. 

Leo stood up. "John!"  
Willie tugged on his arm. "Don't, Leo." 

Leo ripped his arm free and glared at Willie. "Don't tell me what to do!" He followed the Trianos out the door and onto the landing. Willie listened to Leo ask them not to leave, and put his face in his hands. Leo said, "Why do you care? It doesn't make a difference who I fuck!" He sounded upset. Willie flinched. 

Pat said, "He means it shouldn't make a difference to them."  
Willie looked up and glared at Pat. "I know what the fuck he means, OK?" 

One of the Trianos said, "We're not hanging out with queers, OK? That's just it, man. It ain't personal. If you're happy and shit, good, but we're not hanging out with queers. Come on." 

Leo said, "It ain't like it's catchy." 

A Triano laughed and said, "You caught it, didn't ya?" 

Willie wished Leo would just let them go. He thought about going out to the landing, but he remembered the glare. Also, he thought he might hurt them, and Leo probably wouldn't like that. He got up and took his beer into the bedroom and put on the TV. He heard the door slam and turned the volume down and listened. Leo said, "Where'd he go?" 

"Bedroom," Pat said.  
"Was he crying?" Leo asked. Willie frowned. 

Pat shrugged, "I'm not his boyfriend." 

There were heavy steps and then the bedroom door flung open. Leo stood in the doorway and looked at him. Leo looked upset. Willie put his beer down and stood up. Willie said, "I'm sorry, Leo." 

"For what?"  
"For everything."  
"You didn't do everything. What are you doing in here?" "I just, I wanted a minute." 

"You left our guest by himself. It's very rude. Come and apologize and drink your beer with us. Come on. I need you with me." 

Willie took two steps forward and held his arms out. Leo sort of lurched into him and Willie hugged him tightly and rubbed his back. He said, "I love you, Leo." 

"Me too," Leo said.  
Willie kissed his cheek. "You want me to go tell Pat to go home?"  
Leo stepped back. "No! I wanna have another beer with him. Come on. You too." 

Willie rolled his eyes, but he picked up his beer and followed Leo back to the dining room. Pat must have cleared the table, because it was tidy and all signs of the Triano men were gone. Leo smiled at Pat and said, "We're sorry about all the upset, Pat. Let's go sit in the living room where it's comfy." 

Pat shrugged and stood up. Leo gave Willie a little shove towards the kitchen and said, "Get us some fresh beers, OK, honey?" 

Willie rolled his eyes. "Do you want glasses?" "No. Don't get all hyper about it. Just do it." 

Willie bit his lip and went to the kitchen. Leo had just lost two friends over him. Pat looked like he was gonna hang in though. He got three beers and brought them back to the living room. Pat was on the recliner and Leo was on the couch. Willie handed Pat his beer and then snuggled up next to Leo, curling his legs up. Leo froze for a second and then put an arm around him. Pat said, "I was just saying, you changed the place around a little, and it looks nice." He gestured at the serape on the back of the couch. "It's more colorful." 

Willie said, "We had to fit in the stuff from my apartment, but there's a bunch more in storage." 

There was a long silence. Finally Pat said, "I'm sorry what happened with them, Leo."  
Leo waved his beer dismissively. "You got nothing to do with that."  
"No, but, it's, I hate to see it, is all. It was stupid. Phobic little fucks." 

"Yeah, but, y'know. I kinda suspected it, otherwise I'd have said something sooner, y'know? At least now I know I'm not paranoid." 

After a minute, Pat asked, "So, how long have you two been together again?" Willie said, "Forever."  
Leo said, "Since Christmas."  
Pat looked confused. Willie blushed. "I mean, we been friends a long time." 

Pat frowned. "Oh. So you knew each other before you, um," He looked at Leo hopefully. 

Leo said, "We've been friends since we were kids, but then we were out of touch for a few years, and then we got back together and had deeper feelings for each other." He rubbed Willie's arm. Willie smiled and put his head down on Leo's shoulder. Leo made it sound so nice. Deeper feelings. Then he realized he probably looked really queer all snuggled, so he held his head back up. Leo reached up and rubbed his neck and pushed his head back down, so Willie snuggled some more. He took a good look at Pat. 

Pat was really handsome. There was a uniform-type stripe running down his pant leg. Pat said something about cutting back on his work hours before the certification test. Willie asked, "Are you a cop?" 

Pat looked surprised that he'd spoken, but then he smiled and said, "No. I'm a security guard at the college. I only have authority on school grounds. What do you do?" 

Willie sat up. "I work in a music store, selling CDs and stuff." "Yeah? Do you like music?" 

Willie shrugged. "Yeah. Not the kinda music I sell. I sell classical shit, which is boring. I like club music mostly." 

Leo snickered and sang in a falsetto, "We are family!"  
Willie punched his arm. "Shut up! That's not what I like! That's so old, Leo. You're so out of it." 

Pat laughed. "You're so out of it, Leo."  
Willie glared at Pat and stood up. "Fuck you! Don't talk about him!" 

Pat put his hands up in surrender, making a skeptical face that suggested Willie was unstable. Willie tried to think of all the reasons not to hit Leo's friend. Leo grabbed Willie's arm and pulled him back to the couch. "Hey, baby. C'mon. He's just teasing me. He's joking." 

"I can tease you!" 

Leo pulled Willie's face close to his and pressed his forehead to Willie's. "Can I tease you, though? Why are you yelling? Calm down, Willie. You're all worked up." 

Willie wondered if he'd had too much to drink, or just enough to say what he really thought. "Why do you lie to me about Thursdays? No fuckin' way those idiot cousins were from college, Leo. They fuckin' smelled stupid. And you always come home a little drunk. Why do you lie to me about it? Is there someone else?" Leo looked amazed. Willie added, "Cuz whoever she is, y'know, I could do ya better than her." Willie's voice fell to a stage whisper. "It's not another guy, is it, Leo? You wouldn't let anyone else, wouldja? Just me?" 

Leo pulled just far enough away to look at him seriously. He held Willie's jaw. "There's no one else, Willie. Only you." He kissed him quickly, and added, "Don't worry anymore. We'll talk about it later, OK?" Willie nodded and Leo let go of his jaw. He turned to say something to Pat, who was looking amused, but then Willie tugged on his arm again, his face a picture of anxiety. 

"We're just gonna talk, right, Papi? You won't, um, y'know, discipline..." his voice trailed off. 

Pat said, "Whoa." 

Willie lunged for him, but Leo caught his waistband and yelled, "Sit down, Willie!" Willie sat. Leo said, "You don't attack guests in our home no matter what they say. Do you understand that?" Willie nodded. Leo said, "Do you?" 

"Si, Papi." 

"He didn't say anything bad. You're the one talking about private things, aren't you?" Willie nodded, and a tear slipped down his cheek. Leo wiped it away. "Did you have a lot to drink before you came home?" 

"A couple," Willie whispered.  
"Were you out with Justin?" Willie nodded. "How's he doin'?" 

"He's good. He says hi. We toasted you." 

Leo kissed his cheek. "Good. Should I send you to the bedroom or do you wanna stay out here?" 

"Send me." 

"OK, baby. You should go to our bedroom and calm down. Have a little quiet time. Bring some water with you. And say good night to Pat, please." 

Willie stared at his feet and walked over to the recliner. "Good night, Pat. It was nice to meet you. I'm sorry I was rude." 

Pat smiled at him and shook his hand. "It was nice to meet you, too. You weren't so bad, just a little drunk. Good night." The two men listened while Willie got a glass of water and stomped to the bedroom and slammed the door. Cartoon music filtered weakly down the hallway. Pat pointed at Leo and said, quietly, "Si, Papi?" 

Leo put his finger over his lips. "Shhh. Don't laugh at him." 

"I'm fuckin' laughin' at you, man. You were so Big Daddy." 

"He needs firm limits." 

"Oh, that shrink's really helpin' you, huh? Firm limits, my ass. He's a pushy sub, that's what he is." 

Leo looked disgusted. He lit a cigarette from the pack Willie had left on the coffee table. "You don't know anything about it." 

Pat smiled. "I don't, huh?" He took a long swig of his beer and stood up. He turned his back to Leo and unfastened his uniform pants, and pushed them down to his hips. 

Leo blinked. There were red, painful-looking welts on his friend's pale white ass, like horizontal stripes. "Pat? Who? Are you OK?" 

Pat pulled his pants up and turned around. His face was as red as the welts had been, and he swigged some more of his beer. Leo got up and fetched them more beer from the kitchen, and when he came back Pat looked a little more composed. He took the beer gratefully and smiled weakly. "Guess I'm not as drunk as I thought I was or I wouldn't be so embarrassed now." 

"No, don't be," Leo said. "What happened?" 

"I got a C on that biochemistry test Tuesday, remember?" Leo frowned and nodded, obviously not following. Pat waved his hand like it was some obvious connection. "Marilyn punishes me if I get below a B in anything." He smiled at Leo. "You look so shocked." 

"Marilyn?"  
"Marilyn the motivator."  
"I always thought she had mean eyes."  
Pat was quiet for a minute. Then he said, "Do you got mean eyes, Leo?" 

There was another silence. "I don't know why I said that. I don't know. I know he seems like he's scared of it, but it's good for him at some level." Leo drank 

some more beer. "And it's better than what he'd do to himself if I didn't." Pat nodded. Leo added, "And if I'm gonna deal with some of his shit, I need some friggin' authority." 

"Plus the power thing is kinda hot," Pat suggested.  
"Fuck. So that's why you nag me about studying?"  
Pat frowned. "No. I nag you cuz I'm your friend and you get all distracted with your personal life." 

Leo still looked stunned. "I just can't picture it." 

Pat grinned. "Well, I couldn't picture you with a boyfriend, either, and then he snuggled up on the couch and the picture was clear." 

"But you're happy with her?"  
"You're in such denial, Leo. Yes, I'm happy with her. I don't like being in charge." "But you're friggin' bossy!" 

"Outside the house, maybe. I didn't see your sweetheart looking cowed by anybody but you. He was gonna come at me, and I got at least fifty pounds on him, I bet." 

Leo shrugged. "Oh, he's crazy like that. Fearless, I guess. He fights dirty, too." 

Footsteps pounded down the hallway and then the refrigerator opened and soda cans clanged around. Willie yawned very loudly and theatrically and said very loudly, "Oh my god, I'm so tired! I don't know how much longer I can stay awake!" The footsteps thumped back to the bedroom and the bedroom door slammed. Leo smiled. 

Pat laughed. "I can see that he's very intimidating. And obviously terrified of you. Jesus, Leo." 

Leo shrugged. "He's just gettin' lonesome is all. Reminding me that he's in there, in case I forgot. Like I could forget." He frowned. "He needs a lot of attention." 

Pat laughed harder. "Really? No shit?" He dissolved into laughter again, but subsided when Leo looked exasperated. "I'm sorry. He's runnin' you ragged, isn't he? And now he wants to doublecheck your schedule and make sure he knows where you are every second of every day." 

Leo shook his head. "No, he's not like that. He's just insecure and gets nervous. He's coming from a bad relationship." 

"Like Judy was so positive and healthy for you." 

Leo frowned again. He didn't want to explain that Judy was better than jail. He smiled at Pat. "It's OK. I know where he's coming from. I should really go check on him before he has a meltdown, actually." 

"Y'know, some doms would gag a sub who left their designated area and made all that noise about guests." 

Leo raised his eyebrows. "If I'm such a dom, why don't you let me handle it? I know what I'm doing." 

"Do you? Cuz you could have lunch with Marilyn or something." 

Leo's stomach twisted at the very idea of leaving welts on Willie. Spanking him was harsh enough. "We'll all have to go to dinner soon, because I'd love to see Marilyn, but I gotta do this my way. You gotta go home now." Leo stood up. 

Pat smiled and stood up. "Alright. Go baby him some more then." "I'm gonna," Leo said.  
"He'll never learn that way."  
"He don't gotta learn nothing. He's great how he is." 

Sunday morning, April 11 

Willie woke up. His whiskers were itchy. He never had got around to shaving yesterday. He raised his hand to scratch but it didn't move. He smiled and scratched with his other hand. Leo was lying on the long handcuff chain. Willie turned over to watch Leo sleeping. His handsome Leo, with his spiky eyelashes and perfect kissable nose and soft lips. Leo was lying on his stomach. Willie used his free hand to stroke slowly down Leo's spine and cup his ass gently. Leo had the most perfect ass in the world too, and the greatest dick, and a perfect waist and elegant legs. Willie spit in his hand, coated up his finger, and pressed it carefully into Leo's ass, spreading his cheeks just a little. Leo was so relaxed and asleep. Willie pushed in a little farther, rubbing. Leo stirred a little and wiggled. Willie kept rubbing and suddenly Leo breathed out hard and opened his eyes. "Wha'?" He saw Willie. "Will?" He was frowning and tense suddenly. 

Willie took his hand back guiltily. What kind of freak was he? "Sorry," he whispered. He turned as far away as his chained hand would let him. Leo 

sighed and rolled over and sat up. Willie turned further away. Leo yanked the chain and turned him back again. Willie sighed. 

Leo leaned over him. "Gimme a kiss first." Willie kissed him and started to turn over, but Leo pulled him back again. "Where ya goin?" 

Willie frowned. "You want me on my back?" He started kicking the covers down. Leo frowned back at him. "You don't wanna do me?"  
Willie stared at him for a minute, then looked away. "No, that's OK." 

Leo cleared his throat. After a minute he carefully undid his velcro cuff and unhooked himself. Willie grabbed his arm. Leo bit his lip and said, "I'm goin' the bathroom. I'll be back in a sec." 

Willie sat up. "I'll come with you." He tried to put the cuff back on Leo, but Leo jerked his arm away. 

"No! I'll be right back." He got out of bed and walked out of the room without a look back. Willie flopped back down and stared at the ceiling. He'd spent all yesterday afternoon and evening cuffed to Leo, as soon as Leo got back in the house from studying at the library. Willie supposed it was a little weird, but it felt good to know Leo was right there, all the time. The trips to the bathroom were a little weird, but by the end of the evening they'd started pissing together. Willie figured it would get problematic if they had to shit together; it was already kind of embarrassing to do in tandem, but he figured that would wear off, like a lot of the embarrassing things he did with Leo. 

Leo walked back into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. Willie curled up around his back. "Did you miss me?" 

Leo rolled his eyes. "We need to talk, honey."  
"What?"  
Leo looked very serious. "Could you sit up and talk to me?" 

Willie sat up and took Leo's arm into his lap and tried to reattach the velcro cuff to it. Leo twisted his arm and held Willie's hand instead. "Stop. Let that go for a minute. Listen to me." 

"What?" Leo opened his mouth and then shut it again. Then he stared past Willie at his pillow, blushing. Willie frowned. Leo was usually good at talking, at least to him. He petted Leo's hand. "Leo?" 

"Why don't you wanna do me no more?" Leo whispered. 

Willie's stomach clenched. He felt himself starting to blush too. He squeezed Leo's hand hard. "No, I -- I would like it. But I understand. It's OK. I'm, um, good how it is." 

"What do you understand?"  
Willie whispered,"That you're in charge of me." "That's not a sex thing." Leo's voice was urgent. 

Willie looked up suddenly. "It isn't?" 

"No! I don't wanna -- I mean -- it shouldn't be just one way. And I, I want you to. I been waiting for you to make a move, but you didn't." 

Willie stared at him for a long minute, then he smirked a little. He pitched his voice into Leo's college talking tone and said, "Why didn't you say somethin'? Am I supposed to read your mind?" 

Leo slapped Willie's thigh. "Don't laugh at me."  
Willie smiled again. "Watch it. You'll put me right outta the mood." 

Leo rubbed Willie's thigh in soft circles, moving a fraction higher with each circle. "So you're in the mood, then?" Willie caught his breath and Leo rubbed the backs of his fingers lightly along Willie's dick, which was pointing right at him. Willie closed his eyes and wished Leo would wrap his whole hand around him. Then Leo was kissing him and Willie felt something inside him stand up and push and he pushed at Leo's chest like he was knocking a wall over and Leo went down beneath him. They gasped at each other like fish, their erections pressed together between them, and then Willie reared up and shoved. "Roll over," he growled, grabbing for the lube. Leo stared at him, and Willie shoved him again. Leo turned over and Willie's fingers returned to Leo's ass, dripping lube everywhere. Leo shivered and spread his legs further apart. Willie rubbed his back for a second and said, "You're alright, man," as reassuringly as he could. Leo tended to panic a little at this point. As far as Willie knew, he'd never hurt him, so he didn't know why the panic, but Leo had his own hangups for all his counseling. Leo started writhing against his fingers, and Willie said, "ok ok ok," and fumbled with the condom. He gripped Leo's ass and ignored his whining noises. He pressed into Leo and pushed, trying to be smooth. Leo was too tight for smooth. Willie groaned and paused, trying to control himself. He pushed again and again. Leo cried out, but he was in at last, and he rested there for a minute. Leo was breathing in big shuddery hiccups. Willie wanted to tell him to hold still and relax, but he bit his tongue and waited for what 

seemed an eternity. The bedside clock said it was one minute. Willie closed his eyes and listened to his dick. His dick said, fuck him. Fuck him now. He slapped Leo's thigh sharply and said, "Quit it." Leo fell silent, almost like flipping a switch. Willie made his voice low and serious. "You wanted to get fucked, now you're gettin' fucked, just fuckin' deal." Leo moaned and moved beneath him, but more purposefully, less shudderingly. "That's goood," Willie crooned. He held Leo's hips and pulled back to stroke into him. Leo gasped. Willie smiled and did it again. Leo seemed to be coping, so he closed his eyes and gave himself over to the bliss of fucking. His dick was on its own mission from God, slamming into Leo's tightness. Their moaning sounded good to Willie, the wet slap of his sweatsoaked belly against Leo's ass was like a backbeat. He should have put music on. Leo yanked Willie's hand down against his dick and Willie tried to hold on to it, to concentrate that much on something besides his own jackknifing thrusting, and then Leo groaned like he was coming and tightened around him even more and it was so tight and so hot and so real that Willie came too. Leo breathed raggedly and loudly for a second and then flopped onto his side, carrying Willie along with him in a controlled fall till they were both bouncing on their sides on the bed, still attached, spooned together. Willie opened his eyes. There was a spot of blood on Leo's back, right in front of his eyes, and Willie suddenly felt the pain of how hard he was biting his lip. He licked up his own salty blood, then pressed his cheek flat against Leo's back, listening to his heart thump. Faintly somewhere he heard churchbells, and wondered where they were coming from. He didn't know much about this neighborhood that sprawled out in circles around Leo's bed. Our bed, he corrected himself. Leo shifted a little and patted his arm, and Willie pulled gently out of him and tossed the slimy condom towards the trash. Leo turned onto his back and put an arm around his shoulders. They cuddled for awhile without talking. Willie heard the churchbells again and wondered if they were chiming the time or the services. "Where are the bells from?" he asked. His voice came out gruffer than he expected. 

"Church a few blocks over." Leo waved vaguely towards the sound, his hand fluttering in the empty space above them. Willie felt the breeze of it on his sweaty chest. He felt so peaceful. He looked at Leo's face and saw he looked contented. 

"Did you hear the weather?"  
"Last night. 'S'gonna be nice." Leo yawned. "I can't wait for spring." 

Willie kissed his shoulder and got up. "Love you." 

"Mmm." Leo grabbed his hand and pulled him back. "More." Willie leaned down and kissed his mouth tenderly. "Love you too," Leo murmured. Willie made hair- 

mussing gestures, not that Leo's hair ever looked messy, and strolled off to shower and get coffee. 

Wednesday, April 14 

Leo tried to talk himself back into a state of calmness. Just because he got a D on the test didn't mean he would fail the whole class. He'd been afraid to talk to the professor about it, because he was afraid he would yell at her, and that wouldn't help anything. He didn't have time to fail this class, because he wouldn't have time to take it over and qualify for the board exams. Pat had asked him what was wrong, and he'd shown him the test, and Pat had said something about straightening out his life. Leo might have imagined some nasty emphasis on straightening, but it might have been there. He'd turned down the offer of a ride home because he didn't want to find out for sure. The subway was slow and it was almost ten-thirty by the time he reached his building, hungry and tired and worried. 

He stopped outside and took a few deep breaths. Willie was very sensitive to any kind of moodiness on his part, and took it as a personal indictment. Like a successful relationship would mean people floating around on clouds of happiness all the time. Leo considered that possibly Willie had never been in a successful relationship, ever, with anyone. Until now, he reminded himself. And anyway, things would look better in the morning, and he would just go upstairs, and eat whatever Willie had rustled up, and watch the next installment of Mystery! because it was the ones with that English woman detective and he'd started it over the weekend and Willie had promised to tape it for him. And then he'd get some sleep and figure out what to do tomorrow. 

Willie didn't come to the door when he came in, not even when Leo called his name. There was flickering light and cheesy music in the living room. Leo flicked a light on and hung up his coat and dropped his backpack by the coatrack. There was half a cold pepperoni pizza on the kitchen table. Leo took a slice and walked into the living room. Willie was watching porn and jerking off. Leo watched him for awhile. Willie lounged on the couch, his y-fronts down on his thighs, pumping his fist efficiently, slackjawed with concentration on the movie, which seemed to be some kind of gay s&m. That was a switch, Leo thought. Usually it was Xena and her tits. This was some leather guy beating some blonde kid's ass with a paddle and a strap, with intermixed fellatio. There was more to it, probably. Leo went back to the kitchen and got a beer and checked his mail. Bills and junk. He dumped out his backpack and rinsed out his thermos and brought his dirty scrubs to the laundry hamper. The hamper was overflowing. Leo sighed and checked his bureau. He didn't have any clean scrubs. He decided these ones weren't too dirty after all and could go back in 

his backpack. He'd thought Willie had promised to do some laundry today, that he'd been going to do yesterday and hadn't either. Leo went back to the kitchen and made his sandwich for tomorrow and set up the coffee pot for the morning. Willie came out, a little flushed and breathless, and frowned at him. "When'd you get home?" 

"Twenty minutes ago. You were all wrapped up." Leo smiled. Willie blushed. He looked at the table. "You found the pizza?" "Yeah. Are you done in there now?" Willie frowned. "What do you mean?" 

"With your, uh, video activities. I wanna watch my show. Is the tape in there?" He watched Willie's expression shift into horror, and realized he wasn't going to watch his show. Leo deliberately put his hands behind his back and leaned against the counter, because he felt like grabbing Willie and shaking him, partly for standing there looking horrified like Leo was some kind of cruel abusive monster instead of opening his mouth and answering a goddamn question like an adult. "Willie?" Leo asked. 

"What?" 

"Did you tape my show like you promised?" 

"Um, OK, it's like this--" 

"It's not like anything. It's a yes or no question. Did you tape my show?" 

"No," Willie whispered, staring at the floor. He looked up at Leo and started to cry. "You're gonna spank me!" 

Somehow, crying beforehand irritated Leo more than anything. "Damn straight," Leo said. "Go in the bedroom and wait for me. You may as well get ready for bed because you're done for the night. So brush your teeth, get a glass of water, whatever you need to do, and get in the bedroom and wait for me." 

"But, David Letterman--" 

"Go!" Leo shouted. Willie scurried off. Leo had asked his gay group about the spanking thing. He was starting to trust them more than his shrink, and he wasn't sure that was smart. But they said it was normal for Willie to act up, that he was testing the relationship, and would ultimately be much more secure if Leo didn't let him get away with things. Once Willie saw that Leo was always paying attention, even when he was tired and busy, he wouldn't need so many demonstrations. Leo had been worried that all the complaining and accusations of injustice meant Willie really didn't like the power dynamic, but the gay group said it sounded like Willie was just really bratty. Leo only half- 

agreed with them. He thought it had a lot to do with jail, that Willie did feel safer having a daddy, but also needed to see that Leo loved him and wouldn't escalate things into abuse. Which meant, of course, pushing and testing to see if abuse could be provoked, scaring himself half to death in the process. That's probably what that abusive porn was all about too. 

Leo turned the TV off and tidied up the worst of the mess and went into the bedroom. Willie was sitting on the bed hugging a pillow and crying miserably. He started apologizing as soon as Leo walked into the room. Leo sat down and put an arm around his shoulders and kissed his cheek. "I forgive you, sweetie. But you gotta learn. Our household has to run smoothly, and you gotta do your part. I'm not gonna accept broken promises. It's disrespectful." Willie promised to do better. Leo petted his hair. "I know you'll improve, hon. Everything's gonna get better. But first we're gonna do this. So let's just do it and get it over with and stop dragging it out. Get up and hand me the hairbrush from my bureau, please." 

Willie shrieked, "No!" and lunged for the door. He wasn't moving very fast, perhaps on purpose, and Leo caught him easily and held onto his wrist. 

"That's not helping your situation, sweetheart, and you know it." He grabbed the hairbrush himself and sat back down on the bed, a little at an angle so Willie could rest on the bed instead of all the blood rushing to his head. He pulled Willie down over his left knee and pinned his legs with his right leg. He handed Willie his pillow to hug again, and pulled his pants down. Willie's white ass was clenched and pathetic and Leo felt a wave of tiredness again. He started spanking with his hand, sharply. Willie cried and shrieked like he was being tortured. Maybe he felt tortured. Leo spanked slowly and spoke as clearly as he could. "You know I like to come home to find everything peaceful and easy. But tonight I come home and there's cold leftovers for supper, and there's not even a light on for me, and the sink's full of dishes, and the bathroom's disgusting. And you totally forgot your promise to tape my show for me, when I was looking forward to seeing it. I even text messaged you to remind you. If I was insecure, I'd say you didn't even forget, you just don't care about me. And then you stand there and won't even just be honest with me, but act all evasive and childish. And then you try to make me chase you to spank you? So fine. You can be spanked until you learn that you're not going to evade your responsibilities in this relationship, and you're going to keep your promises to me, and I'm gonna keep my promises to you, and I promise to spank you when you need it until you get things running a little smoother! Cuz I'm very disappointed in what I've seen tonight. All kinds of time for porn, no time for me. One more incident like this and I'll forbid you to watch television for a week, do you understand that?" 

Willie was shrieking "no!" and "oh please!" and "ow!"and "it hurts!" and "papi!" apparently at random, rather than in any real response to the scolding. It always surprised Leo how loud Willie was, and also how easy it was for him to keep scolding. He never ran out of words for it. His mother used to do that to him, scold and scold, and she would just ramble on to subjects that seemed to have no connection, a sort of litany of evils of the world, like taxes and crooked politicians and his misbehavior. Leo picked up the hairbrush and held the cool back of it against Willie's flaming butt. Willie let out an anticipatory howl. Leo snapped the hairbrush down firmly and lectured, "Worst of all, though, I don't have any clean laundry! Which you promised to do two days ago! And forgot! And then last night, you promised again! And forgot again! Because where are my clean scrubs? I gotta wear dirty clothes to work tomorrow now, because you can't keep your promises to me. Well, maybe you'll remember if you can still feel this tomorrow, and maybe you'll do a goddamn load of laundry like you promised. And if I get home tomorrow and there's no clean laundry, you can just forget sitting down till like Monday. Do you understand me?" Leo stopped smacking and put the brush down. Willie was screaming into the pillow and kicking frantically and his butt was bright red and looked sore. Leo stroked his white thighs and said, "OK, alright, that's all now." He pushed Willie's pants down over his knees and leaned to pull them off his feet, then tossed them at the overflowing hamper. He leaned the other way, kissed the back of Willie's head, and tugged the sheets down. "Get into bed now, Willie. Tomorrow's a new day." He helped Willie find his footing, but Willie just plowed himself further across the bed and kept crying, rubbing frantically at his ass. 

Leo was always amazed by how theatrically out of control Willie got when he got spanked. Willie never carried on like this any other time. It looked very cathartic though. Leo got a cold wet facecloth from the bathroom and sat down on the bed again, then pulled on Willie's arm. Willie turned onto his side, and Leo wiped his face and murmured soothingly. Willie put his head in Leo's lap, and Leo leaned down and kissed his forehead and cheek and eyes before rubbing his hair. Willie's gasping gradually slowed down to a more normal pace. He said, "Ow, Leo." 

Leo smiled to himself. The hairbrush tended to push Willie out of his pretty- please-papa headspace and into harsh realities. Leo only hoped the harsh reality of laundry would factor in. "What's your first priority for tomorrow, Willie?" 

"Laundry," Willie whispered. "OK. Do you get paid tomorrow?" "Yes." 

"And you know when people at work say, oh, it's payday, come for a drink? What are you gonna say?" 

"I'm gonna say no and come home and do the laundry before you come home." "OK, good."  
"Want me to do it right now?"  
"No. Now you're going to bed." 

"But I could do it and then while it dries I could watch Letterman." Leo hand smacked down on Willie's ass sharply. "Owww!" Willie recoiled from Leo, glaring, and then moaned again when he inadvertently put weight on his butt. 

Leo stood up. "I don't even believe you're still questioning me right now. No means no, Willie." He turned back the covers and held them up for Willie to get under. "C'mon, under the covers, right now. You're all done for today." Willie glared at him. Leo raised his eyebrows. "I'm counting to three, and then I'm getting the hairbrush again. And if I pick up the hairbrush, you're gonna be very sorry, and neither of us really wants to go through that." Willie glared. Leo said, "One. C'mon, Willie. You're ready for bed now. Two. And I'm getting a little pissed off. Three. OK. Fine." He grabbed the hairbrush off his bureau, then pinned Willie to the bed, pressing down on the small of his back. He checked the bedside clock, and smacked the hairbrush down on Willie's ass as fast and as hard as he could for a solid minute. Willie screamed like he was being killed, which it probably felt like he was, but despite all the kicking and thrashing, Leo didn't think Willie was making a heartfelt effort to escape. He waited for Willie to stop screaming and then he said, "That was one minute. Do you want another minute or do you want to get into bed now?" 

"I hate you!" Willie sobbed.  
"That's not an answer. Another minute of hard spanking or the nice soft bed?" 

There was a long sob and then a silence and then, unbelievably, sarcasm. "Oh, I get to fucking decide something for myself? That's a switch." 

Leo spanked him for another minute, though he was starting to wonder why the neighbors didn't come to find out who he was killing. He could actually feel heat coming off Willie's butt. This time, as soon as he stopped, Willie whimpered, "I'll go to bed. Please let me go to bed." 

"I wanna see some attitude improvement. I don't want sarcastic remarks when you get a spanking you deserve for being so irresponsible. Do you understand?" 

"Yes! I'll be good. I wanna go to bed, papi." Willie sobbed quietly. 

Leo hated the sound of it. It was much worse than the angry screaming. "Alright then." Leo helped him get settled in the bed and tucked him in. He put the nightlight on and turned off the other lights and set the alarm for the morning. Then he leaned down and kissed the top of Willie's crying head. "I love you. Good night." Willie didn't answer him. Leo went back to the kitchen and got another piece of pizza, shaking out his arm. That hairbrush was nasty, but at least it didn't leave his hand sore. He got a beer and went into the living room. Letterman was starting. It had that actress from Xena on it, the one Willie liked. Leo turned the sound down and put a blank tape in and recorded it for him. 

Thursday, April 15 

He'd been too angry to sleep and now he was tired. Willie stared again at the inventory list and yawned so hard his eyes watered. They threatened to keep on watering and he hastily wiped his face on his sleeve. It was stupid to be so upset about it. It didn't hurt that much so long as he didn't sit down, and as long as he went home and did the laundry, everything would be OK. Except for fucking, which would be all sore and nasty now for a few days. He bit his lip. He could tell Leo he didn't want to until it didn't hurt. Willie dropped the clipboard of inventory lists on top of a CD rack and ducked into the men's room and into one of the stalls, where he dryheaved for a minute. Nothing came up. There wasn't anything to puke up because he hadn't felt like eating. He went to the sink and splashed water on his face, then stared into the mirror. He looked tired, maybe even a little haggard, with red eyes and dark circles. He tried his customer service smile and recoiled from its grotesque fakeness. He glanced quickly around the men's room, but the store wasn't even open yet, so he turned around and lowered his slacks and shorts, looking back into the mirror over his shoulder. 

His ass didn't look as bad as it felt. There was a sort of general redness, but no welts, and only one bruise on the right. Forgotting to tape Leo's show was an honest mistake, not a lack of commitment or any of the other things Leo had said about him being irresponsible. He ran his finger gently along the edge of the rounded bruise. Things could be a lot worse, he told himself. You just have to try harder to keep him happy. He moved his hand down to his thigh where the cigarette burn scar was. It could be a lot worse. 

But he hadn't loved Diego. 

He realized he'd started crying again and covered his face with his hands. He sucked at keeping shit in when he was overtired. He'd lain awake so long afterwards. How could Leo still love him if he was so bad? And Leo had to love 

him because Leo wasn't just using him. Leo definitely loved him. They lived together. And he loved Leo. So he should just have sex like normal and just ignore the little bit of soreness and just not think about it and not remember bad things in the middle of good things. He was just so spoiled because he got used to it not hurting when Leo fucked him, and now he was a big baby about it even hurting just a little. 

He sighed and swiped at his eyes and lowered his hands to find Tony standing in the doorway, smirking. Willie shrieked in startled horror. How had he not heard Tony come in? How long had he been standing there? Tony wasn't even supposed to be in the building for another hour. Willie yanked his pants up. "I guess you been real naughty," Tony laughed. "What, are ya cryin'?" 

Willie understood that the important thing was not to think. Thinking fucked you every time. Like now. He stopped thinking and punched Tony in the gut as hard as he could. Tony stopped laughing and doubled over gasping. Willie punched him in the ear and kicked him off balance. Tony crashed to the dirty tile floor of the men's room. Willie spit on him. Then he took the back stairs to the loading dock. He jumped down into the alley and made his way to a cheap Irish bar a few blocks away, where he ordered a boilermaker to celebrate his first half-hour of unemployment. 

***** 

Leo waited up for an hour. He watched NY1, the local news channel, until almost 1 AM, and there was nothing about a transit breakdown and no major catastrophes. There were no messages of any kind on his cellphone. He'd called Willie's cellphone three times, but it was turned off. There was just no sign of Willie, who had never come in later than eleven. 

Leo got into bed. He had to get up at five for work and couldn't wait up any longer. He closed his eyes and started his relaxation visualizations, starting with relaxing his toes and then his insteps and then his ankles. Maybe he'd spanked him too hard. Willie had cried a lot, like an emotional crying, kind of. You should have stopped sooner, he told himself. Why did you even spank him? Over a fucking TV show? No, he argued with himself. It was about Willie keeping his promises. He promises he'll take care of things, and then he doesn't. Not just the TV thing. Mailing bills. Fucking paying bills. Food shopping. Like, I don't care -- if he can't do something, fine. But he promises I'll have clean laundry and then I don't and if he'd said he couldn't do it, I would have come home and done it instead of going to the library. 

He heard a thudding sound in the hallway at 2:30 AM. He shoved his keys into the pocket of the scrubs he'd never taken off and ran barefoot out the front door. 

Willie was on his hands and knees on the stairs, one flight down. Leo took the stairs two at a time and crouched beside him, pulling him into his arms. 

Willie looked at him blearily and Leo coughed from the fog of whisky fumes surrounding him. Tears ran down Willie's face. He whimpered, "Don't hit me. Please, Leo." 

Leo bit his lip. "Put your arms around my neck." 

Willie frowned in concentration and raised his arms. Leo moved them around his neck and said, "Hold on. I'm gonna pick you up." He got an arm under Willie's knees and lifted him. He was heavy and 

smelly and suspiciously damp. There was some puke on his shirt. Leo hadn't seen him this drunk in years. 

Willie said, "I'm floating." "Shh. It's late. Be quiet." "I threw up."  
"Shh. I know." 

"Don't hit me though, OK?" "I'm not gonna hit you."  
"Or, hurt me? Don't, y'know--" 

"Jesus Christ, shut up." He tried to prop Willie against the wall next to their door, but Willie wouldn't let go of his neck. He worked around him to unlock the door and walk him down the hall to the bathroom. A few clumsy minutes later he had Willie's filthy clothes off him and in a plastic bag next to the hamper. Willie had gone very quiet and was staring at the floor, holding his hands over his crotch, swaying a little. When Leo stepped closer holding a wet facecloth, he heard Willie whispering "por favor" over and over under his breath. 

Leo felt a wave of exhaustion wash over him. He turned back to the sink and splashed cold water on his own face. He practically begged me to discipline him, he reminded himself. He's emotionally fucked, he reminded himself. Something has terrified him, he thought. He can't be that scared of just me, even if I did spank him. He decided he was taking a personal day and turned back to Willie. He put his arms around him and hugged him, rocking gently. Willie burst out sobbing. Leo heard his name mixed in with a bunch of slurred 

Spanish and said, "I'm right here, honey. I got ya. You're OK, Willie. Everything's OK." 

"No! No, it's not!" 

Leo walked them over to the sink. He kept an arm around Willie but used the other hand to swipe at his face with the cool washcloth. "Are you hurt, Will?" 

"You hurt me!" More tears. Willie covered his face with his hands. 

Leo thought of his mother for a minute, and had to close his eyes. He was always making her heart condition worse with his stupid mistakes. He reminded himself that Willie was not a sick old woman but a melodramatic drunk. He saw him peeking through his fingers. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, honey. Let's wash your face." 

"I hate when you hurt me," Willie hissed. 

Leo felt himself flushing and reminded himself that Willie was babbling and in no shape for a serious conversation. He handed Willie a glass of water and two aspirin. "Drink all the water. You're dehydrated." 

"I'm so fucked." 

"Just drink up." He tucked Willie into bed and put an empty trashcan on the floor beside him in case of any sudden vomiting. Willie passed out almost instantly. 

Friday, April 16 

It was like a spike nailed into the top of his head. Willie was nauseous with the pain of it and lurched to the edge of the bed, anxious not to puke on himself. He dryheaved over a plastic barrel and had a horrible sense of deja vu. He'd thrown up before, lately, and someone must have cleaned up after him. He hung over the bucket for another minute, until the swaying of his own hair in his peripheral vision stopped. Then he closed his eyes and slowly lay back again. Leo. He was home. If it was still home. He tried to flee back into sleep but it was no use. He remembered. What a fucking idiot he was. If he'd gotten through the workday and waited till he got home to feel sorry for himself, he'd still have a job. What the fuck was wrong with him? 

He sat up and closed his eyes while his head and stomach fought for supreme misery and his ass reminded him he'd been punished. His gut gurgled alarmingly. Good thing I don't have a job to go to, he muttered. His wallet was 

on the nightstand with some change and a pack of cigarettes and his cellphone. Leo must have emptied his pockets for him. He opened his wallet. Seven dollars. He had scary memories of trips to the ATM. Why had he gone off with those people? Christ, he's lucky he didn't come home with a tattoo. He picked up his cellphone and speedialled his bank account. The computer voice told him he had a hundred and ninety dollars in the world. Not even half his share of the rent which was due -- another squint at the cellphone -- soon. 

His bathrobe was laid out -- all clean and fluffy -- at the foot of the bed. Another sign of the goodness of Leo. Willie shrugged into it and limped carefully across the hall and into the bathroom, listening to his messages. Tony called to say, "You're fired!" Big surprise. Leo called to ask where he was. Justin called to ask what the fuck happened. Leo called to ask where the fuck was he. Some strange man's voice lisped, "Is this the right way, sweetie?" Willie flashed on necking with some guy at a leather bar. Had he cried to that guy about Leo? He had. He'd been a bad boyfriend and a bad drunk pickup all at once. Failure on all fronts, his specialty. All too soon the leather guy had realized drunk and weepy was happening. He played the guy's message again. "Is this the right way, sweetie? Well, there, now we've got phone numbers. My name's Chris, in case you forget in the morning. We had a drink and kissed a little, and then you got upset -- not with me -- and I put you in a cab. I'd totally be up for coffee if you wanna call me later. Take care." He flashed on blond guy holding him, holding him up, really, next to a cab, and smiling to hear words for him being said for later, and feeling all fucked up. Frightened. He was frightened now. It's not like leather guy wouldn't also spank him, or worse. He vaguely remembered kissing. It was blurrily mixed in with the drinking. He thought maybe that guy -- Chris -- had bought him drinks, maybe even paid for the cab. 

The last message was from Leo. He sounded like he was crying. "Just call me, baby. I just wanna know you're OK. Just, please come home as soon as you can, OK?" 

Willie closed the toilet. He got a glass of water and sat down heavily. He speeddialled Leo. Leo got it on the first ring. "Hi, Willie." 

He sounded amused, which was so much better than that last message. Willie felt confused and tried to focus. "Hi. I'm sorry." 

"You're sorry?"  
"Yeah. Are you--" He stopped and swallowed more water. "I'm real sorry," he repeated.  
"Am I what? Am I sorry?"  
"Are you gonna punish me?" Willie whispered. 

There was a long silence, and then Willie heard footsteps in the hallway. He stood up in a fright and gasped, "Someone's--" and then Leo appeared in the half-open doorway. Willie said, "Oh," and closed his phone. 

Leo stepped into the bathroom and hugged him. Willie pressed against him as hard as he could. Leo held him tightly for a long time. Finally he kissed Willie's forehead and pushed his greasy gunky hair off his face. "You need a shower, sweetheart. Take care of that and I'll make us some coffee." 

"It's worse than you think." 

Leo hugged him again. "I was scared you were dead, so it's all good news to me." 

Willie didn't know what to say to that. Leo walked around him and turned the shower on, testing the temperature on his arm. He helped Willie out of his robe and walked him over to the shower. Willie felt self-conscious being naked. He got into the shower and Leo left him to it. 

He felt calmer after the shower, and it was nice to be clean again. Still, the sight of the cheerful breakfast table brought him up short. It was almost noon. Leo smiled at him and poured coffee. "You feeling any better now?" 

Willie nodded. "Yeah. Thanks for, y'know, puttin' me to bed and all." 

Leo shrugged. "No problem." He cleared his throat. "From now on, though, I'd like to make a rule that you call me if you're gonna be later than eleven, OK?" 

Willie nodded. "OK. I'm sorry." He sipped his coffee. It was delicious. Leo put a plate of toast in front of him. "Thank you," Willie whispered. He cleared his throat. "Did you finish work early?" Leo didn't answer right away, and Willie suddenly worried that he was more fucked than he knew. "It's Friday, isn't it?" 

Leo smiled. "Yeah, it's Friday. I took a personal day."  
"For a reason, or just because?"  
"To look after you."  
Willie put his toast down. "Oh! Leo! I'm, it's just a hangover, I'm OK."  
"Eat your breakfast and then we'll talk. I'm glad you're OK. Do you need to call into work?" 

The toast tasted like cardboard suddenly. Willie's mouth was very dry. He was dehydrated. He sipped some more coffee. "No. I." He stopped and sighed. There was no point trying to hide it. It's not like an ex-con was going to find another job so fast. "I got fired, Leo. I don't got a job." He took another deep breath. He may as well get it all over with at once. "So I don't think I'm gonna 

have the rent money. Probably Justin would let me stay with him for a little while if you want me out." 

Leo looked annoyed. After a minute, he asked, "Why are we living together, Will?" 

Willie wondered how to take that. He was too hungover to think of any smart answers. "To be a couple?" he asked. 

Leo smiled a little and nodded. "Yeah. Are we still a couple?" Willie blushed. "Yeah." 

"OK. So I don't want any talk about leaving because of some money problem. My money's your money, Willie. You'll find another job." 

"No one will hire me!" 

"Yes they will. Don't panic about it. Anyway, maybe you could use a little time. Y'know, explore your options." 

Willie frowned and drank his coffee. "What options?" 

Leo shrugged. "Well, that's the big question. What do you wanna do when you grow up?" He smiled. "Take a little time, think about it, see what you want, instead of taking the first job you can get cuz you need the money, and then you got no time to think." 

"Take a little time?" 

Leo patted his hand. "Or you can take the first job you find. It's up to you, Will." 

"What's up to me? I don't understand!" Willie was surprised at how weepy he sounded. He drank some more coffee. He hated feeling emotional like this. If he was in his own apartment, he'd turn off his phone and go back to bed. "You're not mad I got fired? It's OK I don't got the rent?" 

Leo sighed. "No. I mean, it sucks that we'll be broke with just one income, but I'm not mad at ya. And I should be studying instead of going out, anyway." He looked at Willie cautiously. "Can I say something and you won't get mad?" 

"Yeah." 

"It would be a help to me if you were home for the next few months. If you could take care of stuff around the house, so I could just deal with my shit for school, it would make my life a lot easier. I would really appreciate it." 

Willie stared at him for a long minute. "You want me to be your maid? Your, like, housewife?" 

Leo bit his lip. "You said you wouldn't get mad. You don't gotta. You can just get a job if you want. It's an option, is all." 

"What? Get some suck job or be your maid? That's my options?" 

Leo gritted his teeth. "No." Willie could tell by his tone of voice that Leo was starting to get irritated. Maybe he was bitching too much. He shifted his sore ass on the hard kitchen chair and decided he didn't really care if he was irritating or not, it was just outrageous, be his fucking maid. Where was his respect? Leo said, "You don't have to do anything. You could just lounge around watching cartoons and letting me support you. I thought you would want to contribute to, to us, to our partnership." 

Willie shrugged and lit a cigarette. "I do. I contribute the cooch." Leo glared at him. Willie glared back and took a long drag on his cigarette, then blew the smoke out slowly. "Maybe you want me to wear a little maid outfit, with the apron and the fuck-me shoes. Lacy panties you can pull down to spank me and scream about your fucking laundry. Why the fuck not? I mean, I'll be in the house anyway cuz I don't got a fucking job!" Willie could hear his heart thumping in his ears, his brain screaming at him to shut the fuck up. His mouth just didn't listen to him. 

Leo stood up and paced the length of the kitchen and foyer/dining room. His hands were fists and his mouth was pressed into a thin white line. When he paced back, he went right past his chair and over to Willie, and poked him hard in the shoulder with his index finger. "That's not fair. You like it." 

"I hate it!"  
Leo shook his head. "You hate it at the time. You like that it happens." "That's stupid. That doesn't even make sense." 

"You like me to be in charge of you. We talked about this, Willie." Leo stroked Willie's damp hair gently. Willie closed his eyes. His head listed sideways until it was resting against Leo's stomach. Leo kept rubbing his head and neck and shoulders and it was making his headache better. 

"It was too much, though," Willie whispered. 

Leo kept rubbing and his voice was very quiet. "You mean, the other night?" Willie barely nodded. "Too much spanking?" Willie nodded again. "Why didn't you do like I said, then? You kept asking for more." 

"I wanted to see if you were serious," he whispered. 

"Yeah? Was I?"  
Willie nodded.  
"But now you're a little mad about it?" 

Willie thought for a minute. He could hear water dripping in the sink, and the coffeepot ticked, keeping the pot warm. He'd resolved to be honest with Leo. He raised his head and looked up at Leo and took his hand. Leo made a "listening" face that was too hard to talk to, so Willie looked down at the floor. He squeezed Leo's hand tightly and said, "I was scared it would hurt when we--" He ran out of breath and squeaked. He took another deep breath, and then another one and said, "When we make love. I don't like that. I have bad memories. I just wanna forget that with you." Leo squeezed his hand hard and moved around to crouch in front of him and look understanding. Willie put his knuckles against Leo's cheek and looked into his blue blue eyes. "But I can't deny you. And I got thinkin' about it and remembered a lotta bad stuff and got mad. Not at you. Well, at you, but not cuz of you. You would never put cigarettes out on me." 

Leo sat down on the floor and pulled Willie out of his chair and into his lap. He wrapped his arms and a leg around him and kissed him hard. Willie felt like a bug getting all wrapped up by a spider. Leo the spider. Leo's tongue thrust between his lips and Willie thought of mandibles and monster movies and wanted to laugh. Leo's hand rubbed at his ass, which felt good and warm and tingly at the same time that it reminded him of the soreness problem. He squirmed and sucked on Leo's tongue, and then they broke off and breathed for a minute. Leo kissed his forehead and said, "I will never ever put out cigarettes on you, Willie. I will never abuse you or disrespect you. I love you." Willie sighed and let his body melt against Leo's a little. He belonged with Leo, even if he didn't have the rent money. Leo kissed his forehead again and said, "You can deny me whenever you want. We only have sex when we both want to, sweetheart. And there's other sex stuff, too, y'know. We don't gotta focus on your butt all the time." He added a little squeeze to his rubbing, and Willie whimpered at the back of his throat. Leo moved his hand away and kissed his cheek. 

"I could blow you," Willie whispered. 

Leo nibbled on his neck. "Mmm, if ya wanna. And vice versa." He sniffed and sat up straight. "Not right now, though. Right now, you should have more coffee." He patted Willie's thigh carefully. "C'mon, get up." 

Willie moved back to his chair and gratefully took the coffee. He felt more relaxed now. Now it seemed like they were just talking instead of arguing. He didn't know how Leo did it, but he made things better. Leo sat down again with his own coffee. Willie said, "So, the money?" 

Leo shrugged. "We're gonna go to the bank after our coffee. And I'm gonna give you an assignment." 

Willie rolled his eyes. "What?" 

Leo went into the living room and came back with a thick paperback book. He put it on the table in front of Willie. It was called What Color Is Your Parachute? Willie frowned and poked at it. "What is it?" 

"It helps you figure out what jobs you would like. You're gonna read it and do the writing assignments. You can work on that while I do my school stuff -- we can study together." 

"I don't wanna do gay stuff!"  
Leo raised his eyebrows. "What?"  
Willie pushed the book away a little. "I don't want a gay job!" Leo frowned, puzzled. "What are you talking about?"  
"It's got a rainbow on it!" 

Leo laughed. "That's a happy Christian rainbow, not a trendy gay rainbow. So don't sweat it." He smiled at Willie. "Or do you not wanna be Christian? Do you not wanna be happy? Do you just wanna say no to me so I'll show you how in charge I am again? Make you feel more secure? Spare your poor butt and feel secure now, huh?" 

"You're not Christian!" 

Leo shrugged. "I'm an atheist. It's still a good book. And it's not like you're too busy." 

Willie looked shocked. "You can't be an atheist! You'll go to hell!" Leo smiled. "Atheists don't believe in hell."  
"Leo! You can't!" 

Leo shrugged. "I don't wanna get into it, Willie. You got your rosary beads, and I let you hang the crucifix in our bedroom, but I'm entitled to my own ideas, OK? So don't hassle me." 

"I'm not gonna hassle ya. I'm gonna pray for you, Leo. I'm gonna pray that the Blessed Mother corrupts you." 

"Corrupts me?"  
"Yeah. Changes your mind."  
Leo laughed. "Converts. You mean converts. Corrupt is, like, perverts me." "Don't talk smack about Her!"  
Leo sighed. "I'm not. You said the wrong word."  
"You just think I'm stupid to believe in it. You think I'm going to hell with you. But we're not, Leo." 

Leo stared at Willie. He was surprised how intense he got about the religious stuff. It's not like he was so much of a churchgoer. But he looked deadly serious about escaping hell. Leo rubbed Willie's arm. "I agree with you. We're not going to hell. And we both know you're really smart, Willie. We're not gonna fight about religion, are we?" 

"No." 

"OK." 

"I'm still gonna pray for you." 

Leo stood up and kissed the top of Willie's head. "Thanks. If you're done eating, go get dressed. We have some errands to run." 

***** 

Leo remembered that when he was a kid, banks had been forbidding palaces, with intimidating luxurious marble and mahogany and fancy clothes. Nowadays the modular gray plastic furniture seemed dingy and greasy, like a much handled dollar, like institutional walls. The polyester-suited woman called, "Mr. Handler?" and he stood up from the waiting area chair and started to follow her through the depressing cubicles to her desk. 

Then he paused and said, "C'mon, Willie." 

"What?" Willie was reading a Car and Driver magazine from the waiting area table. "I'll wait right here." 

Leo walked back to him. "I need you with me. Put that in your pocket now while I'm blocking you." Willie looked surprised, but grinned at him and the magazine disappeared inside his jacket. He followed Leo to the woman's desk and they sat down. Leo handed the forms he'd filled out to the woman andtold her, "I'd like to add him to my checking account, please. And my savings account." 

The woman blinked once and then said smoothly, "You'd like to make these joint accounts?" 

"Yes." 

The woman looked at the forms Leo had handed her. She picked up a pen and said, "I'm changing the relationship to 'partner', which is more likely to withstand any legal challenge. Have you registered as a domestic partnership in the city?" 

"Not yet," Leo said. 

"OK. You are both fully aware that any funds in these accounts will be fully available to both of you?" 

"Yes," Leo said. "We'll need new checks and an ATM card for him." "Mr. Gutierrez?" 

"Leo?" Willie had moved to the edge of his seat. He was staring at Leo, looking shocked, which made Leo smile. "What are you doing?" 

"Putting you on my bank account." "You can't do that!"  
"Why not?"  
"What if I steal your money?" 

Leo smiled harder. "I trust you." 

The bank woman got up and walked a few steps away to the water cooler, where she stood and drank a paper cup of water. Willie stared at Leo, openmouthed. Finally he said, "You're fucking unbelievable." 

"So are you."  
The woman returned. "Are we all set?" Leo said, "Yes." 

"Good. Mr. Gutierrez, we'll need your signature and I need to see some ID." Willie got out his wallet and the bank woman took his license off for xeroxing. 

Willie sat there holding his wallet and said, "Seven dollars, Leo. That's all I have, and you put me on your account." 

Leo snorted. "Well, that's about all I have once I pay my bills, so it's no big windfall." 

The woman returned and asked Willie to sign another form. He took the pen and signed, then wiped at his face with his sleeve. The woman showed them a sheet with different designs for checks. Leo started to pick the plain ones and then said, "Which ones do you want, Will?" Willie looked at him for a minute, and then looked at the checks. He pointed to the ones with Tweety Bird and looked questioningly at Leo. Leo smiled. "We'll have the Tweety Bird checks." 

"They're not all Tweety Bird; they're different characters." 

"Even better." Leo thought he must look like a fool, just smiling and smiling, but he couldn't stop. 

"Alright. Your new ATM card will be mailed out and you should have it in about a week. The new checks will arrive in two weeks. Will that be all for today?" 

"Yes, thanks." 

"No!" Willie said. They looked at him while he took his wallet back out and fished out his ATM card. It was for the same huge bank, even though he used a different branch. "Can you transfer my checking account into his, I mean, our, this one? And close my old account?" The woman took his card and swiped it into her computer, then pointed to a touchpad on the edge of her desk. "Put in your code, please." Willie pressed the numbers and the woman nodded at her screen, then typed a few words. Willie signed something and the woman cut up his ATM card and handed him a printout and a receipt. Willie handed the receipt to Leo. It said they were richer by almost two hundred dollars. They thanked the woman again and left the bank. Willie looked dazed. 

"You OK?" Leo asked. Willie nodded. "Yeah." 

"You feel better about us now?" Willie nodded vigorously and then stopped walking and huffed and puffed for a minute. Leo stood and waited, then realized Willie was trying not to cry and walked back to him and put an arm around his shoulders. "It's only money, Willie." 

"But no one ever, now no one's paying for anyone! We're just, we're equals!" Leo smiled. "Yes."  
Willie smiled back at him. "Thank you."  
"Well, thank you. You're the one who kicked in your last few bucks." 

Willie shrugged. "Least I could do. Are you gonna give me an allowance?"  
"No. You're getting your own ATM card."  
"And I can buy whatever I want?"  
"Yeah. Though probably you'll need more money than we make for that."  
They started walking again. Leo felt very peaceful. Willie asked, "Is that all our errands?" "Yeah. I wanna stop and get milk and toilet paper on the way home." 

"OK. Leo?"  
"Mm?"  
"What did you write on the form? Before she changed it to partner?" 

Leo smiled at him. "Husband." Willie bit his lip and punched Leo's arm. Leo said, "I been thinking I should put you on the lease too. Get it all squared away. And if we register with the city, you can be on my health insurance." 

He staggered when Willie slammed against him, pushing him against the wall of an office building. Willie kissed the very base of his neck before pressing his face into Leo's chest. "Why are you doing this for me?" 

Leo hugged him and kissed the top of his head. "Because I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. But we're still in my neighborhood and we don't want to get too physical in the street, OK?" 

Willie unclutched him and stepped back, smiling. "The rest of your life?" "That's right."  
They started walking again. Willie asked, "Till we're old?"  
"Till we die." 

Willie slapped his back hard and kissed his cheek sloppily, sliding onto his mouth. Leo laughed. He stopped in front of the local movie theatre and pointed to a garish poster. "Look, they got your magic dragon movie. You wanna go?" 

Willie stared. "Can we go tonight instead? Is it playing tonight?" Leo checked. It was. Willie said, "Good. Cuz we need to go home right now." 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah. We need to go right home and relate together, Leo." He smiled suggestively. "And you can forget all that stuff I said before about my butt." 

"Forget it?" 

"Forget it. I don't have bad memories now. You're making new memories." 

***** 

But in bed, once he started stroking into him, Leo could see Willie wincing. Leo forced himself to stop. He reached to stroke Willie's face gently. "Sweetheart?" 

Willie shook his head and whined, "Go!" So Leo went. Willie kept his eyes squeezed shut, sweating and panting and whimpering. He was hard, though, and he'd jumped on Leo the second they were in the door. He had one hand on Leo's ribs and the other covered his mouth, palm up, making him look defenseless, Leo thought. Or defensive. So many defenses. He's my spouse. Leo blinked sweat out of his eyes and ground into Willie again. Willie's hand turned into a claw held in front of his mouth. Leo thought this was the most uphill fuck he'd had in ages. He reached between them and wrapped his fist loosely around Willie's erection, smearing his moisture around and jerking him off. Willie shouted and flung his hand out to slam against the mattress. Leo pulled out of him quickly and Willie shouted again and came, bouncing a little against the bed. Leo peeled the sticky condom off his aching erection and stroked himself, gazing at Willie's face, its beautiful angelic post-orgasm vacancy. He grunted and sighed at his own climax, and suddenly Willie's eyes flashed open. "Leo?" He sat up, looked at Leo's dick softening in his hand, and frowned. "Leo?" he asked again. Leo was starting to recognize that tone, the half-scared tone, the "how have I fucked up now?" tone. 

Leo kissed his mouth gently. "Love you." 

Willie pulled his head away and looked at Leo's dick again. "You didn't, um, finish?" 

Leo held out his cum-covered hand. "I finished." He wiped his hand on the sheets. 

Willie hung his head. "But not." He stopped and swallowed. "Not in me," he whispered. 

Leo stroked his hair. "No. You didn't finish in me, either." Willie made some kind of snorting sound that Leo sincerely hoped was laughter. 

Willie raised his head and laughter seemed out of the question. If anything, he looked angry. "But I said go!" 

"It's OK, Willie." Leo moved to lean against the headboard. He patted the bed beside him. "C'mere. Sit with me." Willie glared and grabbed some tissues from the nightstand and cleaned himself up a little. Finally he lay down beside Leo, curled up on his side. Leo figured he was avoiding eye contact. He wondered how long they would be together before Willie would talk about his feelings. He stroked Willie's hair again, skritching his head lightly. Willie always liked that. Willie seemed to relax a little, and Leo rubbed circles between his shoulders. Willie sighed and stretched his arm across Leo's thighs. Leo said, "Let's talk for a little." 

"Nothin' to talk about." 

"Yes, there is." 

"It's too late! You changed the bank stuff already! You can't just dump me over this one time!" 

Leo didn't trust the hysterical voice. Even Willie wasn't that insecure. Willie pressed against his leg, his chin tucked down into his chest, and Leo realized suddenly that Willie was trying to provoke him. Provoke what, though? Another spanking? A lot of babying? Both? "Quit it. Talk to me like a grownup, Will." 

"Why? You don't treat me like a grownup!"  
Leo sighed. "OK. Alright. Tell me about it. Tell me your complaints, Willie." "You'll be mad."  
"No, I won't. It's a time out. We're talkin'. No one will get mad. You won't either, OK? We're talkin'."  
"Like a meeting?"  
"Yeah."  
"OK."  
"OK, so what's your problem?"  
Willie looked up at him. "You called the meeting. What's your problem?" 

He looked furious but he was rubbing Leo's knee, and Leo thought that was reassuring. He took a deep breath. "OK. OK, I'll go first. My problem is that I need to make sure we're OK with the spanking thing. I'm worried--" 

"We?" Willie interrupted. "Me! You don't get it! Only I get it!"  
"OK. That's true. I need to make sure you're OK. Are you?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"I mean, does it make you unhappy? Do you want me to stop spanking you?" "You would stop?" 

"Sure, Willie. You just gotta tell me, and we won't do that anymore." 

Willie pressed his forehead against Leo's thigh. "But you like it," he muttered. 

"I like how you get all emotional. You know I love that shit. I don't like making you cry, though. And I don't get off on it." 

"You do. You like my ass." 

Leo kept rubbing his back. "I do. I love it. I can think of better things to do with it than whack it, though." 

"But what if I misbehave?" 

Leo smiled. He'd gone over that word a lot with Willie, trying to get him to stop calling himself bad. "If you misbehave, you'll just have to apologize, I guess. You're a responsible adult." 

"But you'll be mad at me!" 

"Probably sometimes, but you'll apologize and I'll forgive you and we'll get over it. Just like if I misbehave." 

"You can't misbehave!" "Why not? You do." "Cuz you're the boss!" 

"Well, I don't like being the boss. I don't like being in charge of everything. We can just share responsibility. Like we share the bank account." 

"No! Just give me an allowance." 

"Why?" 

"I don't wanna fuck it up. Just give me an allowance so I can't screw it up." 

Leo sighed. "You didn't screw up your own bank account." 

"I did. All the time. I just didn't tell you about the bounced checks and shit, cuz it sounded so stupid. But this is too important. I can't screw it up." 

"The bank account?"  
"Us, um, being together." 

Leo sighed. "You can't screw that up because it's a done deal. We're together. I'm never gonna leave you, Willie." 

"Unless what?"  
"No unless. Never means never. You would have to leave me." 

"Please." Willie sounded skeptical. "What if I cheat on you?" 

Leo swallowed and took his hands off Willie. Willie twisted his head and looked up at him, frowning. Leo crossed his arms over his chest. "It would hurt my feelings." 

"So then you'd leave me." 

Leo covered his face. "No, I wouldn't. But please, Willie, please don't test me on it. I swear I wouldn't leave! You don't gotta cheat on me to prove it." 

"What's the matter?" 

"Nothing! You're scaring me." 

Willie sat up. "I'm scaring you?" He sounded incredulous. 

Leo put his hands down and his eyes were blazing electric blue. He said harshly, "You got no idea how much this means to me. It would wreck me if you left." 

Willie stared for a minute, then took Leo's hands in his. It seemed like they looked into each other's eyes for hours. Finally Willie said, "Who would take care of me then?" Leo shrugged. Willie shrugged back. "I guess you better make sure I behave then." 

Leo said cautiously, "So?" 

Willie sighed. "So spank me, then. Be the boss of me." He leaned back against the headboard and rested his head on Leo's shoulder. "Do you ever think it's weird how things turned out with us?" 

Leo shrugged. "I think it's lucky." He took a deep breath. "You wanna talk about the sex thing?" Willie sighed and kicked his feet. "Christ. What about it? How long is this meeting?"  
"You don't enjoy sex after spanking?" 

"Leo, I don't wanna talk about this!" 

"Well, the first time, you really wanted it afterwards, remember? So I don't understand." 

Willie swung his legs over the side of the bed and lit a cigarette. "The first time, I was all emotional. This time, it was all about fucking chores you wanted done." 

"Well, that's important to everything going smoothly!"  
"Whatever."  
"I hurt you that bad?" Leo sounded worried. "That it still hurts so much now?" 

Willie considered lying. But lying in a meeting seemed wrong. "No. It just reminds me. And then I feel pissed again. And when I'm pissed I don't wanna--" He ran out of good phrases. "I don't feel very open." 

Leo looked somber. "Oh. OK."  
Willie sighed. "Meeting's over. Do you still wanna go to the movies?" Leo rolled his eyes. "Yeah, OK."  
Willie stood up. "I'm first in the shower."  
***** 

The dragon movie was bad, but in a good way that made them laugh. Afterwards, they went for drinks. Leo insisted on taking the subway one stop to an actual gay bar. Willie thought maybe Leo just wanted to make sure not to run into anyone he knew, but he didn't even care because everyone in the bar had stared at Leo's handsomeness and looked at him with envy. He grinned to himself just remembering it. Maybe the drinks were extra strong there or something, but he'd laughed at everything Leo had said in the diner afterwards while they ate their cheeseburgers. He felt so relaxed. Probably Leo would say he felt better because they'd talked things over. It could just as well be the booze though. 

They got home shortly after 1 AM, smiling and sleepy. Willie went to the bedroom, stripped naked and sat in the middle of the bed. Leo fussed around clearing up the kitchen or something, tying up trash. He was always doing some chore, Willie thought impatiently. He fiddled with the clockradio and found some Spanish music. He should get a better music system for the bedroom, maybe a little boombox. A va-va-voom box, he smiled to himself, flopping back on the bed. He was definitely a little lit. Leo finally made his way to the bedroom, smelling of toothpaste, stripped his clothes off, and put pajama bottoms on. Willie sat up and stared. Leo took a hundred dollar bill out of his wallet and put it on Willie's bureau, then put his wallet in his top drawer. "There's your allowance," he said. He put the lamp on and turned the radio off and the overhead light out. Willie pulled the covers up over himself, frowning. Leo got into bed. "What?" He turned the lamp out and lay down. 

"Nothing." Willie lay down next to Leo and stared at the darkness. The ceiling was a lighter gray than the walls. 

"I had a good time tonight," Leo said. 

"Me too." 

Leo lurched against him suddenly and kissed his cheek, then turned away. "Good. Good night, honey." 

"Good night." There was a long silence. Willie told himself to just go to sleep. It had been a long emotional day. Willie spooned up behind Leo, pressed close to him. He slid his fingers under the elastic waistband and rested his hand on Leo's hip. "Leo?" 

Leo grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "What?"  
"Can I ask you somethin'?"  
Leo sighed and turned onto his back and pulled Willie in against his side. "Yes. Ask." 

"I get a hundred bucks, what, a week?"  
"When we can afford it. Weeks that we're broke, it'll be less." "But--" 

Leo held up his hand. "Wait. Let me finish. If you need more money, just take it out of the bank, if we have any there to take. You'll still have an ATM card. All the money's both of ours, Willie. I'm only doing the allowance thing because you said you wanted it that way, so you don't have to think about it. But it's not like a big rule. It's just a way of sharing. So don't freak, OK? Think of it like I went to the ATM for you." 

"No! I want it to be like that's always my same amount of money every week and it's separate from yours." 

Leo felt tense beside him suddenly. "Well, I can't do that, Will. I'm being as generous as I can. We got bills. And I got tuition. I'm not gonna make you a promise that I know I can't keep about a specific amount of money." 

"Well, how much is tuition?" 

Leo sat up suddenly. "That's non-negotiable. That's my school money. Jesus, Willie." 

Willie felt like an asshole, but he couldn't stop himself. "You said you wanted me to know about the money, and now I ask about what something costs, and all of a sudden it's non-negotiable. I need more than a hundred bucks a week!" His voice sounded loud. 

Leo's voice was even louder. "For what? What do you need it for? Cigarettes? Beer? Movie rentals? How would you like it--" Leo suddenly shut his mouth, shot out of the bed and stormed off to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. 

Willie got up and put the hundred dollars in his shoe before it got taken back. 

In the bathroom, Leo splashed some water on his face and made himself take deep breaths. Why was Willie being such a jerk? They'd had a perfectly nice evening. He should have gone to counseling today instead of skipping it. He got a glass of water and sat on the toilet lid and thought. Mike would say that Willie was testing limits. Which meant that he was trying to make Leo say no to something, so he could believe in the other yeses. At least, that was what Leo thought that meant. He got a little confused with the psychology. It was all contradictions -- limits meant freedom and shit like that. So Willie was shaking him down because--, because--. Leo rested his head on the edge of the sink. Because he's a crazy greedy whorish little bitch and I'm all sucked in by his skinny wriggly white body because I've lost my mind. At least he'd stopped himself from taking the money away and making Willie ask for every cent. That would be too controlling, and too demeaning, a grown man with no walking around money. He tried to imagine how he would feel if he were Willie, but it was hard, because if he were Willie, he'd get a fucking job and he wouldn't be so submissive, because he just wasn't Willie. He hated when Willie shrieked like that. He stood up and looked at himself in the mirror. He didn't think his eyes looked mean. It bugged him that Pat had said that. He didn't want to have mean eyes. He wanted to be what Willie needed. You're obsessed, he accused himself. I'm in love with him, he argued. Everyone who's in love looks obsessed. Just face it, he concluded. Your true love is being a freak about the money, and it's obnoxious and unattractive, but just because you love him doesn't make him perfect. Leo smiled at himself. Newsflash: Willie's not perfect. 

The bedroom was dark when he returned, and Willie was a thin tense lump on the very edge of his side of the bed. Leo got into bed and said, "Willie." There was no answer. "I know you're awake." 

"What?" 

So sullen. Maybe even a little weepy, Leo thought. He spoke very quietly. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I got no business yelling when you ask questions. So I'm sorry for that. I don't have any more money to give you. If I had it, I would give it to you. I'll have more money when I graduate and get a better job. I know it's a big adjustment for you and I'm sorry if it's hard. I'm doing the best I can." 

"It's not good enough." 

Leo felt himself flushing. He literally bit his tongue, and counted to ten, and then he counted to ten again. He thought about Mike's thing about saying his feelings. Finally he said, "I'm sorry you're unhappy. I love you very much." He waited, but there was no answer, not even a mumbled goodnight. Leo's stomach twisted into knots, but he closed his eyes and tried to count his breaths. No need for him to get all freaked out too. He was on his sixty-seventh breath when Willie rolled closer to him. Leo stopped breathing and listened. There was a tiny wheezing sound. Willie's fingertips brushed Leo's arm. Very carefully, Leo turned towards Willie and gently put an arm around him. Willie pressed his face into his chest and wheezed some more. Leo realized it was very quiet crying and hugged him tightly and rubbed his back and said, "Ok, ok, ok, Willie." He felt relieved. Willie could be a real hardass when he wanted to be, and Leo hated long silent arguments. He kissed Willie's temple and made shushing noises. Willie snuffled and started to calm down. Leo whispered, "You want me to get you a drink?" Willie nodded and croaked something. Leo kissed his cheek and went to the kitchen for ginger ale. When he came back, Willie was sitting up in bed with the lamp on, his eyes huge and dark, wiping his nose on the sheets. Leo bit his tongue again and handed him some kleenex. Willie blew his nose, handed the dirty kleenex to Leo and held out his hand for his ginger ale. Leo took the kleenex, but held onto the glass for Willie to sip from -- that's why he'd put a straw. Willie cast his eyes down and sipped and looked longsuffering. Leo got back into bed and leaned against the headboard and pulled Willie into his arms and let him sip some more ginger ale. Finally Willie pushed the glass away and said, "That's enough." Leo put the glass on the nightstand and held on while Willie nestled against him. 

"Are you OK now, Willie?"  
"I wish I didn't get fired."  
Leo kissed his cheek. "Me too, sweetie. But it'll turn out OK. You'll see." "You didn't ask me how come I got fired."  
"Do you wanna talk about it?"  
Willie looked at him. "I punched Tony."  
"Did ya? Tony always sounded like a jerk."  
"He is. He laughed at me."  
"He's got no business laughing at you."  
"For getting spanked." Willie's voice dropped a little. 

Leo frowned. "How did he know about that?" 

Willie's voice dropped further. "I was looking at, um, my butt. In the mirror. To see how bad it was. And he saw me. In the men's room." 

Leo hugged him tightly. "That's when he laughed at you? You must have felt awful. Is that when you hit him?" 

"I punched him in the stomach, yeah. He stopped laughin' then. I think I hit him a little more too. He was on the floor anyway. Then I left cuz I figured, y'know, I'm fired. And I am, I got voicemail." 

Leo hugged him tightly and petted his hair some more. He said, "I'm sorry that happened to you, Willie." No wonder he was so pissed off. "Do you feel like it's my fault for spanking you in the first place?" 

"No," Willie whispered. "It's my fault." 

"He shouldn't have laughed." 

Willie sighed. "I shoulda just been doing my work and obsessed on my butt at home. That's even why you spanked me, for not doing my work here. At least you don't fire me. I was so mad at you, and then I was so busy being mad that it got me fired and fucking proved your fucking point about spanking me. I hate that!" He slapped Leo's arm, but not very hard. 

Leo kissed his forehead. "I love you."  
"We need a full-length mirror."  
"I'll get one this weekend."  
"There's no rush. You're not gonna spank me for a long time now."  
Leo kissed his forehead again. "I'll spank you whenever I think you need it. Settle down now." 

"But Leo--" 

Leo put a hand gently over his mouth. "Hush. You've had your tantrum for tonight, Willie. Calm down." 

Willie jerked his head away. "But what's happening to me?" His voice was getting loud again.  
Leo held him close. "What do you mean, Willie?"  
"You're supporting me and spanking me and bossing me." 

Leo kept hugging him. "Uh-huh. And what else?" 

"I don't know," Willie whispered.  
"And loving you? And taking care of you?" 

"I guess." Willie leaned against him, though.  
"Why are you worried about this, sweetie? What do you think is happening to you?"  
"Nothing."  
"Did someone say something?" 

Willie snuggled against him and held his hand. "When I got drunk, after I got fired?" He looked at Leo, and Leo nodded to show he remembered last night. "I was scared to come home because I was scared you'd spank me more." 

"For what?" 

"For getting fired? I don't know. For screwing up. And I told this guy about it. I was kinda drunk. And he called you my dom." 

"Yeah?" Willie shrugged. Leo rubbed his back. "I guess if the shoe fits. I mean, I am your dom, I guess. And you're my sub. But I'm not gonna start wearing leather and walking you on a leash. I don't think of you as 'my sub.' I think of you as my submissive boyfriend, maybe." 

"You're just prettying it up," Willie said, frowning. 

"Maybe. As long as you understand that you're mine and I love you, I don't care what you call it. I don't want you thinkin' it's like one of your S&M movies, and worry that because you're my sub I'm gonna loan you out to people or whip you or anything like that." 

Willie glared at him. "I know it's not like a stupid movie, Leo. You think I'm fucking stupid." 

"I know you're not stupid. I just want to make sure we understand each other, because you have to be careful." 

"What, I have to be careful cuz you're so tough?" 

Leo smiled. "No. I'm a wuss. You have to be careful because you've been hurt before by people who didn't love you, and this is totally different, and you gotta be clear on that." Willie looked at him, startled. Leo stroked his face gently. "We don't want any more nightmares, Willie. You gotta feel safe. It takes time. And anyway, you like submitting. You wanna do it. You like doing stuff cuz Papi wants you to." Willie squirmed. Leo smiled at him. "That freaks you out? It's OK, Willie. It's just a feeling." 

Willie burrowed against him and whispered, "Fuck me, papi." He slid his hands into Leo's pajama bottoms. 

Leo grabbed his wrists. "Not right now. It's not just about sex, Willie. It's a whole thing. You'll see." 

"What?" Willie looked alarmed. "What'll I see?" 

Leo wondered what particular awful fate Willie was imagining. He stroked Willie's shoulders. "I'm gonna take care of you like a good papi. That's what I'm gonna do. Right now, I want you to go to sleep." 

"I'm not tired," Willie whined.  
"You're overtired and cranky. Lie down and close your eyes." "I can go lie down on the couch and watch TV." 

Leo sighed and looked at Willie sternly. Willie lowered his eyes. Leo said, "You know what my answer to that is. Why are you arguing with me? Why don't you just lie down like I asked? You know you will in the end. Why fight it?" He waited for an answer. Willie just blushed. Leo asked, "Do you want me to spank you?" Willie shivered. Leo petted his hair again. "I will if you want. Can you ask me?" Willie shook his head. Leo pulled him close and said, "Alright, baby. Come on." He stretched his legs out and patted his thigh. "Get down over my lap and get your little spanking." Willie bit his lip and sniffled but got right into position, centering his butt carefully. 

Leo felt a little surreal, but tried to focus on technique. He figured he oughta shoot for tingle over burn here; he didn't want to hit too hard. At the same time, it wasn't really a play thing, like the Naughty Girl scene Judy used to like. It wasn't really a scene; it was really him and Willie. He smacked Willie's butt a few times, lightly, and realized he didn't have to worry, because Willie was already overwhelmed and emotional. Leo alternated light spanks with rubbing and spoke quietly and sincerely. "You're gonna settle down and behave yourself and everything is gonna be OK. I'm taking care of you now. Do you understand that?" 

"Si, Papi," Willie whispered. He'd gone absolutely limp when Leo started rubbing and seemed much more relaxed and relieved than aroused. Leo ran a finger gently over his anus, but Willie didn't even flinch. Leo scratched Willie's buttocks very lightly and patted them firmly a few more times. He said clearly, "Alright. You're so good, Willie. You're my good boy. You get settled down and go to sleep now. Come on. Let me tuck you in." Willie let himself be shifted drowsily over onto the pillow, and cuddled up to Leo at once. 

Leo lay there for a long time, listening to Willie breathe on his shoulder and wondering if he was in over his head. Maybe he should talk to somebody. Not Marilyn the motivator. He would call the gay students group coordinator 

tomorrow and ask her to look in the resource file. Or there was always Theresa. She was kinky and openminded, and he could explain to her. He felt better having decided to talk to someone. He could handle this. He knew what Willie wanted. Willie wanted to belong to him. The idea of it made him feel good, like he wasn't screwing up at all. 

Sunday, April 18 

"How long are you gonna sit there?" 

Willie looked up from the paper. Leo was freshly showered and glowing. "Go get us some breakfast, Leo." 

"We're going out to brunch." 

"I'd rather just have donuts. I don't feel like moving. And it's yukky out." Rain was splattering against the windowpane, and outside was uniformly gray, washing away the snow. 

Leo poured himself some coffee. "We're meeting people for brunch. Get washed and dressed, please." 

Willie frowned. "Who?"  
"My friend Tommy and his fiancee Allison. C'mon, go get ready." Willie glared. "You can't just spring this on me. What if I have plans?" "Do you have plans?"  
"I plan to read the paper and eat donuts here."  
"Willie, look at me." 

"What?" Willie looked. Leo's eyes were so blue and serious. He looked away again before he got hypnotized. It was like Leo had super powers or something sometimes. 

"I asked you to do something. Get washed and dressed please. You've had your coffee and your wake up time. I don't want us to be late." 

"Leo, c'mon. Gimme a break."  
"I'll give ya somethin' alright, if ya don't get movin'." 

Willie rolled his eyes. Leo took a step towards him and Willie stood up hastily. "Alright! I'm going! You're such a pain." 

"You wanna explore pain? Cuz you'll look pretty funny standing through brunch." 

Willie grabbed the automotive section of the paper and scooted past Leo, but he wasn't fast enough to avoid the smack on his butt as he went by. He jumped out of reach and flipped his robe up to shake his ass at Leo. Leo lunged at him, making a monster face, and Willie laughed and sprinted for the bathroom. He locked the door, lit a cigarette, and went back to the paper. He loved the new Italian cars, though they'd always be in the shop, as if he could ever even afford some used shitbox. He was halfway thru another cigarette when Leo banged on the door. "I don't hear any showering happening!" Willie leaned over and turned the shower on. He listened to Leo's footsteps walk away again. He had to be a little careful because Leo wasn't above jimmying the door open if he was really pissed off. He seemed in a good mood this morning though. 

Leo didn't get pissed off too easily, and especially not with him. Willie finished his cigarette and the article about the new cars and got into the shower. The whole spanking thing had turned out different from how he'd expected. His whole sex fantasy about it had been a big delusion, because it turned out that spanking hurt, and pain was a big turnoff, and then afterwards he was always a little upset. Sometimes a lot upset. At the same time, though, there was definitely kind of a kick to the power trip of it. And Leo paid a lot more attention to him now, all the time, in a good way. It was like Leo was more responsible for him. Willie wondered if that was what a daddy was like, though he figured most people didn't fuck their daddies. But they were so much more of a couple now that they were living together, and especially since he'd got fired and Leo had made them all legal. He'd only used the new ATM card for groceries, though sometimes he got twenty dollars in cashback so he could have a little cash. He'd signed a new copy of the lease, so in case anything happened to Leo he wouldn't get thrown out. It made him a lot less scared about stuff he hadn't even known he was scared of until he wasn't anymore. Like, Leo wasn't gonna leave him if dinner didn't come out right or if it was only a mediocre blowjob. 

Security, he admitted to himself. It changed the spanking, too. Now it was even more about power, because there wasn't anything else for it to be about. It was about Leo was the daddy. Before he used to think it was spice in their relationship or Leo trying to prove something or whatever, but now it was just about he had displeased Leo and Leo expected improvement. He'd heard of people who spanked for fun, or for general atmosphere or whatever, but that wasn't them. He only got spanked for stuff he'd done wrong. Or that Leo 

thought was wrong anyway. Though by the end of it, Leo had pretty much convinced him of the wrongness. Leo was true to his word and never hurt him in any other way -- no slapping, no punching, nothing like that -- but he had no problem with hard hairbrush spankings. It was not only not about sex; it didn't even relate to the sex. Willie just couldn't get his head around how Leo could spank him and let him fuck him at the same time. Well, obviously not at the same moment, but it had seemed like a contradiction. Until finally, after sex one night, he'd realized Leo wasn't powertripping in bed. Only in discipline. But in bed, it was just all lovey-dovey-do-what-feels-good. 

By the time he got out of the shower, his stomach was rumbling and Leo was waiting by the door jingling his keys. Willie felt nervous but Leo was determined they were going, so there wasn't much point in worrying about it. He didn't like meeting Leo's friends, because they all looked at him and got worried for Leo's sanity. Not that he'd met that many of them. They hadn't tried the meeting people thing since the bad experience of the disturbed poker game. Willie pulled his hair back into a ponytail and wished that he'd gotten ready earlier so he'd have had time to blowdry it straight -- it was all wavy and stupid looking. It was getting really long, too. Leo liked to play with it, so he wasn't cutting it short, but maybe he could get it trimmed a little, back up to his shoulders, anyway. He carefully pulled the toilet paper off his face from where he cut himself shaving. It had stopped bleeding and hardly showed. He wondered if he ought to tuck in his shirt or let it hang out under his sweater. 

"Willie! We're fucking late!" Leo yelled. 

"I'm coming!" He left his shirt out and put some cologne on and looked for his phone and keys and wallet. 

***** 

Leo told himself that Tommy and Allison would understand, and be so wrapped up in each other that they wouldn't even notice he was fifteen minutes late. Because as of now he had five minutes to get there and they hadn't left the house yet. If you fight with Willie, he'll sulk through brunch and it will be a horrible experience, he reminded himself. Let it go. Yes, you told him five times what time you had to meet them, and he ignored you and now you're late. But if you make an issue of it, he'll get upset and then you'll have a mopey husband to show them and they'll wonder what the hell is wrong with you. 

So what they think is more important than your relationship with Willie? He pulled out his phone. They were now late. He called Tommy and explained that there would be a delay, but they'd be along. Tommy was running late too, 

something about Allison's mother having some last minute wedding plan issues. Leo hung up the phone and walked down the hall to the bedroom. 

Willie was smoking in the nonsmoking bedroom and putting some no doubt flammable gunk in his hair. He saw Leo behind him in the mirror and looked guilty. "I'm almost ready." 

"Bullshit." Leo stalked across the room and swatted Willie's ass, hard.  
Willie jumped and yelped. "Ow! Leo! I'm just, I'm just slow this morning." "You're totally stalling. What's your problem?"  
"I don't got a problem!" Willie took a step away. Leo stepped right after him and grabbed his arm. 

He took Willie's cigarette out of his hand and stubbed it out in the forbidden ashtray. Then Leo picked up his hairbrush from the bureau. Willie whined, "No, c'mon, Leo!" and then he shrieked when Leo smacked the hairbrush across his ass. 

Leo smacked him a few times while scolding. "If you didn't have a problem, we'd have left the house on time! What is your problem?" 

Willie kept shrieking and yelling "Stop!" but he didn't try to move out of reach. He knew from last weekend that evasion would just lead to a long discussion of what submission and authority meant, and a longer, harder spanking to demonstrate. Just when he started to wiggle, Leo put the brush back on the bureau and hugged him. "What's the matter?" Willie held still. Leo kissed his neck. "You smell good. C'mon, give. What's your big deal with the brunch, baby?" 

Willie tried to bite his tongue and not be such a negative bitch. Leo asked him again what the problem was. Willie turned away a little and spat, "Your friends hate me! And I look like shit!" 

Leo smacked his butt with his hand, not too hard, but it stung and Willie whined. Leo switched to rubbing, which felt much nicer. In a deep, rumbling voice, Leo said clearly, "You are totally good and beautiful, Willie." Willie turned back and pressed his face into Leo's neck and didn't say anything. Leo reached up under his shirt and sweater and rubbed his back, and Willie was glad he'd left his shirt untucked. Leo said, "You never even met Tommy and Allison. I think they'll like you. And I know I love you. So one person at brunch will totally love you." 

"Everyone loves you," Willie pouted. 

"I don't care about everyone. I care about my special one," Leo crooned, and kissed Willie's forehead. 

Willie sniffed and pulled away a little. "You're mean to your special one. I'm just a little late." 

"You're stalling and making problems instead of explaining." 

Willie walked past him to the hallway and put his jacket on. "Well, now I told you. Like that changes anything. Let's just fucking go." 

Leo followed him downstairs. "It's good for us to get out and socialize with other people."  
"Yeah, for you, cuz they're always your people."  
"I would go out with your friends if you wanted." 

"I don't have any friends!" Willie yelled. "That's my whole point!" 

They started down the street, huddled under cheap umbrellas. Leo said, "I thought your point was that people hate you." 

Willie flung his arms out in disgust. "It's the same point, Leo! Jesus. Do you even listen to me? It's fucking pouring." 

"It's just rain. Calm down." They walked another block. Willie stomped in some puddles, and regretted it when he felt dampness soaking through his sneakers. He needed new kicks, but he didn't like to say anything when he didn't even have a job. Leo said, "So you wanna try to make some new friends then?" Willie gritted his teeth. Make new friends-- like that was even an option. He tried to think of something to say that wouldn't sound negative. Leo didn't like negativity. Before he could think of anything, Leo said, "Well, maybe you could make some new friends right now. That's the restaurant across the street." Willie looked up. The restaurant was brightly lit in the gray afternoon. 

Inside was noise and color and salsa music and good smells. People were talking and laughing. It seemed crowded and popular. Willie wondered why they had never come here before. Leo took his hand, right there in public in the daylight, and walked over to a booth where a couple were already seated. The woman was blonde and pale and delicate and thin, and the man was short and dark and chubby. Leo yelled, "Tommy!" and the man looked up, then smiled broadly and stood up. Leo let go of Willie's hand to hug Tommy, with lots of backthumping. Then he pulled back and said, "Tommy, I'd like you to meet Will Gutierrez. Willie, Tomas Vega." He turned away to hug the woman, saying, "Allison, you look great." 

Tommy took both Willie's hands and kissed his cheek, and then the other cheek, and then the first cheek again. In Spanish, he said, "It's a pleasure to meet you. Leo seems very happy, with a new energy, I think. It does you credit." 

Willie didn't know what to say. He stammered, "It's nice to meet you." He tried to think of some compliment for Tommy, but he didn't know anything about him. "Congratulations on your marriage." 

"Oh, thank you, we're very excited. Let me introduce you." He called to Allison and she let go of Leo and stepped over to them. Tommy made the introductions. 

Willie tried to shake her hand, but she grabbed both his hands and stood back to look him frankly up and down. "Well, you are as handsome as Leo said! I didn't think anyone could be except my Tommy." She kissed Willie's cheek and said, "Lovely to meet you. I haven't seen Leo smile so much in years." 

Brunch was delicious, with tons of pastry and tropical fruit and chorizo and eggs and plenty of booze. Leo told them about their weekend at the inn and how they should go there sometime. Leo kept saying "we" and "us" instead of "I" and "me." We like the movies. We haven't seen too much of the Trianos lately. Willie gazed at Leo and sipped his delicious bloody mary. Suddenly Leo was smiling at him. "How's your drink?" 

Willie smiled back at him. "It's good, papi." He heard the endearment come out of his mouth and saw Leo's grin broaden. The table seemed suddenly too quiet. Willie felt himself blushing. That hadn't sounded very equal-partnersish. 

Then Leo's arm was around his shoulders and Leo was kissing his head. "Papi loves his baby." 

Willie snorted and pushed Leo away. "Stop. I'm sorry." "For what? Being all mushy?" Leo looked delighted. 

Allison cleared her throat. "I'm happy to see Leo all mushy with someone. Speaking of which--" She and Tommy exchanged some complicated kind of look. 

Tommy said, "Pat said you might not be coming to our wedding?" 

Willie suddenly felt like this was the whole point of the brunch. Leo cleared his throat. "I never said that. I hadn't made any decisions. I'm just very behind with school and work, that's all." Tommy and Allison looked shocked. Willie stared at his plate and tried not to look involved. Leo grabbed his hand and held it 

tightly. "Willie has to check his schedule too. He only just found out about it this week. So I hope we can make it. We'll send in the rsvp card this week." 

Allison said, "Oh! That reminds me!" She rummaged in her large handbag and pulled out some papers. She handed Willie a scrap of paper and a ballpoint pen and said, "Please write your name for me so I spell it right." Willie frowned but did as she asked. Allison took out a fancy pen and began to painstakingly address the envelope. After a minute, she put everything away, and assembled the papers and the envelope and handed them across the table. "Here you go. An updated wedding invitation. I felt so bad that I sent you a plus guest when you were actually living with someone, but you have to let us know these things, Leo!" 

Leo handed Willie the invitation. His name was on the envelope now. On top. Mr. Guillermo Gutierrez. Mr. Leonard Handler. It was written in fancy lettering. He didn't know how long he stared, but when he looked up, they were all looking at him, smiling. "What?" he asked. 

"We hope you can make it," Allison replied. "Probably," Willie smiled.  
***** 

"Leo, do we got any tape?"  
"In the kitchen drawer," Leo murmured. "No, good tape. Clear tape. And scissors." 

Leo looked up from his book, impatiently. There was a quiz in health care issues tomorrow and he had to memorize all these definitions about ethics. "Willie, I don't know. I'm busy. Go buy some." 

"We don't have scissors?" Willie stood in the kitchen doorway tapping an envelope against his thigh, looking impatient. 

Leo sighed. "I think in the drawer. I'm tryna study, Willie." 

Willie brushed by his chair and yanked open the kitchen junk drawer. It squeaked and its contents rattled loudly. Willie rummaged through them, and then started taking things out and slamming them down on the table. Leo focused on taking deep breaths. Finally Willie yelled "Yes!" and slammed down some scissors and a roll of clear packing tape. Everything else went clattering back into the drawer and Willie flopped into a chair. He looked pleased. "We have them, Leo." 

"Good. I'm glad. Be quiet and let me study now." 

"I am!" Willie cut into the envelope. A piece of tissue paper flew out of the envelope and wafted onto Leo's textbook, as if to shield him from the pictures of low-income emergency room patients. Leo frowned and looked more closely at what Willie was doing. "Are you cutting up Tommy's wedding invitation?" 

Willie looked defiant. "Just the envelope."  
"Why? What's the matter now?"  
Willie looked hurt. "Nothing. I'm just -- don't you have to study?" "Don't yank my chain, Willie. Why are you cutting up the invitation?" "I told you! Just the envelope. I'm making a label."  
"A label for what?" 

Willie looked away. "For the mailbox. With both our names. She wrote them so nice." He looked back at Leo. "You just forgot, right? I can still go on the mailbox?" He bit his lip. 

Leo stood up and leaned down to kiss Willie's hair and squeeze his shoulders. "Yes. I'm sorry. I didn't forget; I just didn't get to it. That'll look good for a label. Good thinkin'." He got some soda and went back to his book. Willie slammed the scissors down again and scraped his chair back. He stomped across the room, dragged Leo's winter boot off the dirty towel where it was drying and propped the door open with it, then he thundered down the stairs. Leo sighed. He thought about putting his homework away, but he really wasn't ready for the test yet. He didn't want to go to the library in the rain. He hoped Willie hadn't worried about the mailbox labeling delay. Sometimes Willie read way too much into things. He seemed happy this afternoon though. He'd been nice to Tommy and Allison at brunch, once he'd had a drink and got a little chatty. He'd laughed and relaxed and made jokes. While Willie was in the bathroom, they'd discussed him. "He's so crazy about you!" Allison had said. Tommy had nodded and said something about how Willie kept looking at him for approval. 

Then Tommy had smiled and said, "You seem attached to him, too." Leo hadn't known what to say. It reminded him of going away to the inn, when Willie was different almost that whole weekend, and sometimes when he looked at Willie's face he thought how lucky he was to have such a wonderful boyfriend, instead of how he was troubled but still lovable anyway. He is a pretty wonderful boyfriend, Leo thought. He might really love me. Leo was pretty sure Willie really did love him, but he didn't want to just take that for granted. 

Though why not? Wasn't that what he always asked Willie to do? To give up suspicion? To believe? And then he forgot to put the label on the mailbox. He wished he could think of something wonderful to do for Willie. Then he smiled. 

He met Willie at the door. "Is it all labeled now?" "Yeah. We're officially official," Willie grinned. 

Leo took the tape out of his hands and tossed it to the table, then locked the door and took Willie by the hand. "Come with me." 

"What?" Leo led him to the bedroom and undid Willie's jeans. Willie froze, tense and still. Leo pushed his pants down and Willie whispered, "I'm sorry. I'll be more quiet while you study." 

Leo froze for a minute and then hugged Willie fiercely. He licked at his neck for a second before kissing it, then whispered, "I'm spanking you too much if that's all you think of." 

Willie whispered, "Leo?" He sounded confused. "Papi?" Leo picked him up and carried him the two steps to the bed, then dropped him down with his legs hanging off the edge. He knelt on the floor between Willie's legs and started unlacing his sneakers. Willie sat up and looked at him. "You gonna fuck me, papi?" 

"Nope." Leo finished one sneaker. The second one went faster. He peeled Willie's sweatsox off slowly, like a striptease, then waved them past his nose before throwing them in the air. 

Willie snorted. "What are you doing?" Leo pulled Willie's pants down and off over his feet and folded them carefully. He put the white underpants on his head and crossed his eyes. Willie laughed and took them off Leo's head and threw them after the socks. Leo leaned forward and put his hands on Willie's hips and used his nose to nudge Willie's tshirt up a little. He smelled all musky, and Willie's dick lunged against his chin and made him want to laugh. Willie made a little breathless sound. Leo stuck his tongue in Willie's bellybutton and wiggled it a little. Willie wiggled harder and half-giggled, half-gasped, his hands shaking lightly against Leo's shoulders. 

The giggle just stunned Leo. He straightened up to reach Willie's face and kissed his mouth, his beautiful, juicy, giggling mouth. After a minute, Willie pulled back and stared softly into Leo's face, then traced a line down his cheek with the ball of his thumb and whispered, "What?" 

Leo realized then he was crying. He hadn't felt that coming. He shook his head. "I'm OK." 

Willie's fingers danced through his hair. "What, papi?" 

Leo closed his eyes. He felt like an idiot. "I love you so much," he croaked. Gentle fingertips stroked all over his face, almost like rain, he thought. He opened his eyes. Willie was smiling brightly. "You're so beautiful," Leo whispered. 

Willie put his forehead against Leo's. "No, you," he said. "You are." "No, you." 

"I said you. Look." Leo sank back down on his knees and put his mouth gently on the solid velvety tip of Willie's dick. He sucked, then licked, then sucked some more. Willie moaned, which sounded even better than the giggling. Leo tasted the precum saltiness and thought about how gay it was that he loved how Willie tasted. I need him, he thought. He was hard himself now. He pulled back, licked down the underside, appreciating the vein, and sucked on one of Willie's tight balls, ignoring hairs and crowdedness. Willie called out "Leo" in a shaky voice. Leo switched sides and mouthed his way back up to the sensitive tip again. He resumed sucking, and pumped up and down a little. Willie said urgently, "Leo, get, I'm gonna, don't." He pushed at Leo's shoulder. Leo ignored him and Willie lunged against him and further in, spurting against his throat. Leo swallowed and tried to clean him up, but Willie didn't really like his cock touched right then, so he took his mouth off him and felt -- stupid, he felt lonely for Willie's dick -- apparently he was still emotional. Willie flopped backwards on the bed. 

Leo watched Willie's stomach rise and fall with his breathing for a minute, then got up to flop down beside him. Willie turned and snuggled up, throwing a leg over Leo's hips. Leo reached around him to grab the bedspread and pull it up and over Willie's backside and legs. "Don't catch a chill." 

Willie kissed him. "Thank you, Leo." 

Willie reached to unsnap Leo's jeans, but Leo grabbed his hand and held it. "I'm good." 

"But--" 

"No. Don't. Just -- I wanted to do something nice for you." Leo stared up at the ceiling, and then looked back at Willie. "You're a wonderful boyfriend, Willie." 

"You are, too," Willie whispered. 

They snuggled for awhile. Leo let his mind drift until he heard Willie snore quietly and realized he ought to get back to studying. He eased himself away from Willie and slid in another pillow for him to snuggle against. Willie mumbled and rolled onto his stomach. The upturned bedspread slid off him. Leo pulled a spare blanket from the closet to drape over him, but frowned in the act of unfurling it to look more closely at Willie's butt. There was a blue bruise on the outside edge of his right buttock. Leo picked the hairbrush up off the bureau and checked. Its edge exactly matched the shape of the bruise. Otherwise, Willie's ass looked fine. There was, near the bruise, a pink mark that looked tender, but not serious. There were no welts or scratches -- Leo never broke the skin when he hit him. Leo tucked the blanket around Willie and put the hairbrush back. It was just an old wooden hairbrush he'd had for years. His mother used to spank him with it when he was a kid. Though obviously she was a small woman and he was a strong man. Maybe the bruise was related to the angle, and he should be a little more careful. Or maybe a bruise or two was just part of the territory once you started hitting. 

Leo stole a cigarette out of the pack in Willie's pants and went out to the kitchen and poured himself more soda. He lit the cigarette and stared out the window, considering. Willie didn't complain about being spanked as a concept; only about specific painful moments of it. Not that it mattered what he complained about, because he obviously loved it at some level. He got all swoony and submissive and mushy when he got spanked, once he was done crying and carrying on. And he seemed to like the whole "papi" aspect, which he totally played up, that was almost all Willie with the papi stuff. Leo had to admit it was a kick for him; he was happy to take charge of Willie, which felt completely different from taking charge of things at work, which he hated. But coworkers just resented him having random authority. Willie didn't think it was random. He was all into Leo as his authority figure. Leo wondered if it was because Willie hadn't had a dad. But then, he hadn't had much of a dad either, and he couldn't imagine letting someone spank him. Or rather, he could imagine it as an unpleasant experiment -- but he'd never accept it as an ongoing thing. Willie didn't seem to care about that; he only worried about Leo being cruel, about suffering extreme pain. Surely Willie didn't think of him as cruel or abusive? Because Willie has bad boundaries, Leo thought. It's all a slippery slope to him. 

He speaks up more though since he's moved in. Leo smiled to himself. Some days he even got tired of Willie complaining. Mostly he was glad to hear it. It seemed like the whole first six weeks they were together, all Willie said was "OK, Leo." It had got a little creepy there sometimes. Now it seemed a lot more workable. Probably because they were living together and had more time to sort things out. Leo looked at his watch. He didn't have much more time to 

study before Willie woke up though. He went back to his ethics book, then on an impulse looked in the table of contents. There, near the end, reporting domestic violence. He skipped to the right pages. Distinguishing domestic violence from consensual alternative sexualities. Is that what they had? Alternative sexualities? He skimmed the section, the carefully worded questions you were supposed to ask if you saw strange marks, like the hairbrush bruise. Did you consent? That was the question. Did Willie consent to spankings? Yeah, obviously, because he totally went along with them, even if he didn't like them. Leo tried not to overdo. Willie wasn't afraid of him, was he? He thought about the whispered apology earlier. It really was bad if a spanking was the first thing he thought about when Leo undressed him. Maybe they needed to talk more. Leo frowned suddenly and went into the living room and found the box for the porn video. Total Submission 3 - Triple Play. It said in bright yellow letters that all the pain was real. Leo put it in the VCR and turned it on. A close up of a kid's face looking worried. He's already tied to some kind of padded rack. He's naked. A mean-looking guy all in leather walks in with a strap and starts beating him. Leo fast forwards to the end of that, and the guy does something to the rack to bend the kid over more and then he fucks him. Leo didn't see any lube. There's no explanation of anything. He turned it off. Is that what he seemed like to Willie? Maybe he was making too big of a deal. He thought of his own favorite porn, blow job woman. He rummaged under the TV until he found her and rewound her and put that on. Oh right. This had that "we'll expose your lesbian affair to your mean husband unless you blow us all" premise. Brilliant acting. Leo smiled. He wished the submission one had a little more cheesiness to it, instead of just harshly lit pain. He watched the woman sucking to save her reputation. Damn, she was good. He ought to get back to his homework. He turned the video off and returned to the kitchen. 

Wednesday April 21 

Leo stood in front of the apartment door, bracing himself. It had been a long day. He could hear cartoon music. He fervently hoped this wasn’t a repeat of last night. Last night he'd come home to find Willie half-drunk and half-dressed and cranky on the sofa, where he'd apparently spent his long unemployed day drinking beer, nursing resentment and feeling put upon. Leo had practically forced him to get up and make some mac and cheese for them, and there'd been one argument after another until Willie had ended up spanked soundly and crying himself to sleep. Leo had felt like crying too. He was just too fucking exhausted at the end of the day for a big emotional scene. Maybe he could just get his own bowl of cereal tonight and leave Willie to wallow. He could always try to talk with him on the weekend. Leo shook himself. You’re anticipating a problem, he told himself. Maybe it will be fine. 

He unlocked the door and walked into the apartment and stopped in surprise. There were two places set at the dining room table. As he stood there, the cartoon music switched off and quiet classical music switched on. Willie appeared from the living room, smiling. “Hi, Leo! Want me to take your coat and hang it up?” Leo stared. Willie was wearing lowslung skintight blue jeans and a tight green v-necked tshirt that rode up over his belly a little. His cigarettes were rolled in one sleeve, and he was barefoot. His hair hung loose and freshly washed like a dark cloud around his face, framing his big green eyes. He put his hands on Leo's chest and smiled gently. He smelled wonderful, a little spicy and sweet at once, more perfume than aftershave, though his face was cleanshaven and smooth and soft. 

Leo didn't know what to think. “Uh, sure, thanks.” Willie kissed his mouth gently and helped him out of his coat, then carried that and his heavy bookbag away. Leo's arms felt very empty. Willie said, “I made a little dinner in case you were hungry. Are you hungry?” 

“Um, yeah.” 

“OK. Why don’t you go freshen up while I put it on the table, honey? I laid your sweatsuit out for you.” 

“Um, OK, thanks.” Leo went into the bathroom and washed his hands. The bathroom was spotless. 

The handtowels were hanging neatly so their edges aligned. This was creepy. Willie either wanted a gigantic favor, or he'd done something really bad. It was horrible to be so cynical, but there was just no way Willie could have gone from venomous slug of last night to this perfect angel in just one day. Leo believed in personal transformation, but not overnight. He hoped sex was going to work into this though, because fake or not, Willie looked amazing. In the bedroom, which was also neat and tidy, Leo put on the freshly laundered sweatsuit that was laid out for him. Then he looked in the mirror and frowned. The sweatsuit wasn't very sexy. He tried to imagine what Willie would want him to look like. Naked, mostly. Leo smiled suddenly and rummaged in the closet. He didn't think he'd had the heart to throw it out, and now his wimpiness was going to help him for once. The queer bathrobe Judy had given him. It was a black silk kimono with some red embroidery of lucky coins or some other Asian symbol. He'd felt silly in it with her, too dressed up and exposed at the same time. Now he wrapped it carefully around himself and noticed how it emphasized his broad shoulders and trim waist, how its open neck showed off his chest, how the silk skimmed his firm ass beneath the belt, how its blackness made his hair look tawny. It really was a totally gay robe, even if it was 

traditional clothing for an entire country. Leo smiled at himself in the mirror and went back to the dining room. 

A plate of his favorites -- meatloaf and gravy and potatoes and peas -- steamed at his place, next to a glass of wine. A teapot steeped nearby, and a plate of cookies, and a pretty little votive candle flickered. Willie was waiting for him, not eating without him. He stared at the kimono. Leo sat down. Willie smiled at him. Leo shivered. "This looks good." 

Willie grinned. "I hope you like it." 

Leo didn't think that was totally about the food anymore. Willie was poetic like that, getting all metaphorical. Leo usually just ignored it. He took a bite of the meatloaf. It was perfect. He sipped some wine. Willie nibbled at his vegetables and looked up under his eyelids. It felt weird to see him flirt like that. Willie didn't really do that anymore since he got more comfortable with them being together. Mostly he just acted regular. The food was delicious, but Leo felt distracted and shivery from the flirting. The kimono wasn't as warm as his sweatsuit. 

"How was your day, Leo?" Willie sounded solicitous, like a wife from some old movie. 

Leo put his fork down and stared at his plate. His legs were cold; there was a draft from the door. It was uncomfortable, this great big act. He wished Willie would just ask for whatever it was. He hoped it wasn't anything horrible. Willie wouldn't do this whole set up if he was dumping him; he'd be honest about that at least. Leo cleared his throat. "It was OK." 

"Did you work really hard?" 

It would be rude to accuse him of being fake when he was being so polite, Leo thought. He ought to play along. He took a sip of his wine and described how many corridors he'd washed at the hospital after lunch. Today he'd had the whole north wing, which was always extra-depressing because the sick children were there. He tried not to interact with them, but you couldn't totally avoid it. A little girl had been crying for her teddy bear, that had fallen off the edge of the bed. The girl was all tethered in with tubes and breathing crap, and Leo had stepped into the room and picked the bear up for her, telling himself it was just to stop her from crying and aggravating him while he mopped. She had horrible bruises on her arms and legs, and one of her eyes was black and blue, and he couldn't fathom who would beat on a little girl like that. One of the nurses told him it was some gang of boys had done it in the schoolyard. 

Sometimes he wondered how the world got so fucked up. He said, "I don't like working in the children's wing." 

Willie nodded sympathetically. "Children are horrible. They make everything worse. Did they walk on your clean floors and track dirt?" 

Leo shook his head and ate some more meatloaf. There was no point trying to explain. Willie wasn't the world's most sympathetic person, even if he was pretending to sympathize with Leo at the moment. 

Leo wondered what it would be like if all this loving sympathy was real. He was surprised at how the idea made his chest hurt. It's not that Willie wasn't nice. Willie was totally nice to him. But this whole thing he was acting out, this whole fake thing of having devoted himself entirely to Leo, he'd never do that for real. Though that was probably healthy. There was a silence and Leo realized Willie had asked him something. "I'm sorry. I was thinking. What did you say?" 

"I'm just wondering, you know, you're so allergic to harsh laundry detergents here at home that I can't even drop the laundry off to be done. Doesn't that interfere with your work? You must have to use a lot of harsh detergents when you clean the hospital." 

“Um, no, cuz I don't rub them on my skin, though. And I have gloves. How was your day, Willie?” 

“It was nice. Very quiet and productive. I kept very busy. I missed you though.” “Yeah, what did you do to be so busy?” 

“Well, I cleaned up in here, didn’t I? And I cooked a little bit. And I watched the news. Tomorrow I might read a book.” 

Leo stared. The book thing was too much. “Willie, what’s going on?” 

“What? We’re having dinner.” 

“Why all this fuss though?” 

“It's just dinner. Do you want some more meatloaf? There's more. I can get it." He reached for Leo's plate. 

Leo grabbed his wrist. “I want you to tell me why all the fuss.” Willie looked away nervously. “Don’t you like it?” 

Leo swallowed hard. That was like admitting it was all fake. “Tell me what you want.” 

Willie pulled his wrist away and sat down and sipped his wine. "I want more pornography options. Maybe some cable channels. We don't have enough porn. I realize that now that I'm home during the day." 

Leo looked sternly at him. “What do you want?”  
“Well, I think a little S&M porn would be good, not like the real extreme ones.” 

Leo sighed. “I didn’t mean what porn do you want, I mean what are you buttering me up for?” 

Willie smiled, but Leo thought it was a fake smile. “You buttered me up, once, remember? On the kitchen table? That was kinda hot.” 

Leo's stomach turned over. He poured himself some tea. “I remember you didn’t like it much, and I was kind of a jerk. Is this such a big deal that you can't tell me?” 

Willie twisted in his seat and curled one of his legs up. Leo was amazed he could move in those jeans. They must have spandex. Leo thought of bending him over the table right now, that perky cushiony butt spread and ready for him. Willie would give in a little more now, he thought, and then recoiled from the idea that he hadn't really given in then. Willie always gave in. He really was a little submissive, but it was kind of a delicate subject. One wrong move and he went from delighted and horny to embarrassed and upset. Leo supposed they ought to talk about it at some point. Maybe he would buy the porn for him so they could watch it together. That had been pretty specific for just a joke. He wondered when Willie would stop chewing his thumb and say whatever it was. He sipped his tea. Willie stopped biting his thumb and cleared his throat. “It’s about work.” 

“OK.”  
“I gotta go back there and get my stuff from my locker and my last check.” 

“OK.” Willie was blushing now for some reason. Leo asked, “What’s the problem, then?” 

“I’m embarrassed to go there. He’ll laugh at me.” 

Leo figured "he" was Tony, the mean boss. He'd never met him, but Willie just couldn't get along with him, it had sounded like. Leo asked, “Can’t Justin get your stuff? Can’t they mail your check?” 

“He locked my stuff in his office and says I have to come get it.” 

Leo sipped his tea. That boss had always sounded like a ballbuster. “What is it? What stuff does he have?” 

“My jacket. A couple of paperbacks. Mostly my jacket and some spare sneakers. A, a photo of you, of us, that was in my locker.” Leo felt touched by that, oddly. He didn’t have any photos in his locker. Willie took a deep breath and stared at his hands and said, “So I wanted to ask you, as a favor, I know it’s a big favor, if you could take off work and come with me to get my stuff?” He cleared his throat. "I'd be very grateful. I'd make it up to you. And I'd totally pay you for the lost work time, outta my check." 

Leo stared. Then he made himself look away. Willie wanted his emotional support? Willie was asking for help instead of thrashing around waiting to be rescued? That's what this was all about? Leo nodded at him. “Sure, no problem, hon. When, tomorrow?” 

“You will?” 

“Course I will. And remember, that check is both of ours anyway. The money I'm losing from missing work is half your money. It all balances out. So it's not such a big favor.” 

Willie looked worried. “No, no, it is. Cuz, like, not just come with me. Like, talk for me. I can’t talk to him. You ask him for my stuff. I’ll just come with you.” 

Be my husband, Leo heard. He heard, Help. He said, “OK. I can do that.” 

“Really?” 

“Really. No biggie. Happy to do it. Nice to have a day off. We’ll go do that in the morning and go get lunch after, OK?” Willie beamed at him. Leo thought that boss must really freak him out to have him this preoccupied with a simple errand. “Help me remember to call Pat in the morning so he gets my school stuff for me, OK?” 

“You’re gonna take the whole day off?” Willie sounded wondering and amazed. “Yeah. We can hang out a little. That OK with you?”  
Willie nodded vehemently. “Yeah.” 

Thursday, April 22 

The music store was relatively quiet at 10 am. It felt odd to Willie to walk in there in his track suit and t-shirt and sneakers, with a bandana over his hair. He felt like a customer, and not even a classical music customer. Laura the friendly cashier did a doubletake when she saw him, and left her station to come over and hug him. “Oh, you’re OK! I’m so glad. We all feel bad what happened.” She looked at Leo with frank admiration. “Who’s your friend, Bill?” 

Willie hugged her back. “Thanks, Laura. Meet my boyfriend, Leo.” 

“Damn,” she said.  
“Damn right,” Willie smiled. “All mine.” 

Leo shook her hand and smiled at her. “Hi, Laura. It’s nice to meet a friend of Will’s. Is the manager around?” 

“Tony? He’s in his office,” she sniffed. “He just got in like ten minutes OK. I wish you’d marked him up more, Bill.” 

Willie shrugged and led Leo over to a staircase that led to a mezzanine level of offices. Tony’s office had glass upper walls so he could survey his domain. Willie had liked being out of sight upstairs. When they neared the office door, Leo grabbed Willie's shoulder. "Listen. In there, don’t talk unless I look at you like you should. Let me talk.” 

“OK, Leo.” Willie had no intention of talking. That was the whole point of bringing Leo. Leo knocked on the office door, and Tony answered it. He was wearing a cheap black suit and had a faint red bruise on his cheekbone. Willie had hoped he'd made more of an impact than that. Just the smell of Tony's cheap aftershave made him want to gag. Tony looked confused for a minute and asked, “What can I do for you?” Then he looked at Willie again and recognition showed in his face. “Oh! You!" He waved a hand vaguely at Willie's clothing. "What, didja join a gang or somethin'? Like, Our Gang? Are you Spanky?" He smirked, then turned to Leo. "Who are you, his parole officer? You got any idea what kinda fucked up relationship he's in? It's interferin' with his work." Tony walked back to his desk and picked up his coffee cup. 

Willie felt frozen between wanting to sink through the floor and wanting to kill Tony. He could feel himself blushing in that way he hated. Tony and his fucking glinty-eyed little laugh. Willie put his hand on his switchblade in his jacket pocket. Suddenly Leo's arm came around his shoulders and Leo squeezed his bicep, hard. Willie let go of the knife and crossed his arms over his chest. Leo 

rubbed his back and said, "Actually, I'm his boyfriend. My name's Leo. We're here to talk about what happened." 

Tony pointed at the red mark on his cheek. "He did this to me. That's what happened." Leo stared at him for a minute. Willie watched Tony squirm under the special Leo Look of Truth. He hadn't thought that worked on other people besides him. Tony walked around his desk and sat in his plastic manager's chair. He pointed at the folding metal chairs in front of his desk and said, "I guess I wasn't the most understanding manager in the world. Why don't we sit down?" 

Leo took Willie's hand and led him to a chair, then pulled the other folding chair closer and sat down next to him, still holding hands. It was a little embarrassing and mushy, but Willie was afraid of how awful he'd feel if he let go. It was like Leo being on his side made stuff not so bad. God, if he could hold Leo's hand all the time, he might actually be able to deal with shit. He wondered what Leo would think of that. Leo was talking sincerely to Tony about some awkward situation. Leo would probably tell him to just imagine they were holding hands whenever he wanted, cuz he really was on his side all the time. But Leo was big on just imagining things were better than they were, like, just make believe stuff doesn't suck. But some stuff really didn't suck with Leo that had sucked before. He heard Tony say, "Case in point," and looked up. They were both looking at him. Tony looked disgusted. Leo looked concerned. "You weren't listening?" Leo asked. Willie shook his head. He refused to look at Tony. He just looked into Leo's eyes and waited for instructions. Leo let go of his hand, but Willie grabbed it again and squeezed tightly. Leo looked surprised and squeezed back reassuringly. "Justin's been telling Tony that you're a valuable employee and he needs you back. Tony's willing to give you another chance if you want to come back to work, but you have to try to have a better attitude. What do you think?" 

Willie shrugged. "Whatever you think." 

Leo's eyebrows went way up his forehead. "You sure you want me to decide?" Willie nodded earnestly. Leo squeezed his hand again and turned to Tony. "I think this job was never such a great fit, and he'd be better off looking elsewhere. We appreciate your generosity in making the offer though. We'd love to know that he'd get a decent recommendation if anyone checked his references." 

Tony shrugged. Willie thought he looked a little relieved. "I won't badmouth him, if that's what you mean, and I won't mention this incident. I can't say he was ever employee of the month." 

Leo smiled. "Speaking of month, that's about the right amount of severance, if you want to cut his check right now, along with whatever vacation days he's got coming. Then we can clear out of your office." 

"My stuff," Willie whispered. 

"Oh, and I guess you have some stuff from his locker? We'll take that with us, clear up the clutter." 

Tony hadn't moved and was still just staring at Leo, looking astonished. “He doesn’t get severance. He was fired.” 

Leo kept smiling. "But you just offered to let him keep working, so I guess he wasn't really fired. He's just been asked to leave. Asked to leave means severance." 

“Asked to leave cuz he punched me!” 

“You admit yourself you provoked him. Let's just write the check and call it creative differences. There's no point going into legalities over this." 

Willie stared at Leo in amazement. Leo was threatening to sue? 

Tony blustered. "You're out of your mind! Legalities? Legalities would be assault and battery." 

Leo crossed his legs and smiled harder. "Or, legalities could be a hostile work environment and emotional pain and suffering." 

Tony muttered “goddamn faggot” under his breath and pulled a calculator out of his drawer. He consulted another paper in the file that looked like a timesheet. He wrote another check and handed it to Leo. “Get the fuck out of my office.” 

Leo looked briefly at the check and then handed it to Willie. “Thanks for your time.” Willie stared at the check, astonished. Leo yanked on his hand and pulled him to his feet, then pushed him towards the door and followed him out to the staircase and main floor. 

“Leo—“ 

“Keep walking, Willie. Do not talk yet. Go to your friend Laura and cash that check right now.” Leo followed Willie over to the cash registers. 

“You cashing out, Bill? We’re gonna miss you. You should come meet us for drinks next week, anyway .” 

“I’ll see, Laura. Thanks, though. You’re fun to work with. Can you just cash this?” 

She took the check and looked at it. She bit her lip and looked at Willie. “It’s gonna clean out my cash drawer.” 

“Please, Laura. I don’t trust him not to put a stop on it if I go outside with it.” 

“He’s such an asshole. Yeah, what do I care? I’m looking for something better myself.” She counted out a bit over a thousand dollars. “Count that again for me; make sure it’s right.” 

Willie counted. “Perfect.” 

She handed him a few coins. “And the change. Do you want an envelope or something for that?” 

“Yeah, that’d be great.” Willie took a fifty-dollar bill and a twenty-dollar bill from the pile and watched while she put the rest in an envelope and sealed it for him. He put the fifty in his pocket and then took her hand and folded the twenty into it. “You take care, Laura.” 

“Oh, Bill, this is yours.” 

“You know he’ll yell at you twenty bucks worth. Buy yourself a drink, and one for Chrissie, OK? Thanks. I appreciate it. Take care.” 

He picked up the envelope, tugged on Leo’s jacket and they headed for the door. They walked as far as the corner before he hugged Leo. “You’re a fucking genius, Leo! How did you do that?” 

Leo shrugged. "I figured that was the only reason he was offering to take you back. Someone must have talked to him about bias issues and he was trying to cover his ass." 

“I can't believe you got me so much money!”  
Leo just smiled. “Well, stop shouting about it or you’ll get us mugged.” 

“God, Leo. Thank you. You were so calm. I woulda killed him. You didn’t even blink.” 

Leo shrugged. “Well, he wasn’t my boss. Though you’re right; he’s a prick. You can just smell what an asshole he is.” 

Willie giggled. “No Cinnabutt for Tony.” 

Leo made gagging sounds. “Don’t even put that thought in my head. Gross.” 

“But man, that was so genius. Hostile work environment.” 

“Well, you woulda thought of it yourself if you weren’t so upset.” 

“I never woulda thought of that. Man, that was good. Where the fuck did that come from?” 

“The gay group at school. We watched a film.”  
Willie frowned. “The gay group? Like a, what, like a gang?” 

Leo looked amused. “No, like a club. Like the yearbook club in high school. I’m not really in it; I just went to some of their meetings. They’re all about stuff like civil rights.” 

“You’re hanging out with a bunch of gay people and never told me about it?” 

Leo shrugged. “I don’t hang out with them, Willie. I just went to some meetings." Willie hoped this was one of those college things he didn't understand, and not a warning sign of Leo getting bored with him. He headed for the subway, but Leo grabbed his arm. “Wait up. I wanna run an errand, OK?” Willie shrugged and followed him in the other direction. They stopped in front of a porn shop called DizKrete Video. Leo didn't even look at him to see what he thought, so Willie just followed him inside. Was Leo getting porn to fight the boredom of him? Willie frowned. He would do anything Leo wanted. Leo never asked for anything special. Inside the store, the blue-haired clerk made Willie check his bag. Willie took out the envelope with the money and the picture of himself and Leo, and handed the bag over. Leo led him over to the video section and smiled and said, “What looks good?” 

“Whatever you want,” Willie said. 

“Well, you're the one who said we needed more porn, remember?” Leo looked surprised. 

“I was jokin',” Willie said. There was a lot of porn here, though. He forced his eyes off the movies and back onto Leo, but it was too late and Leo had seen him looking. 

Leo took his arm and led him over to the gay S&M section. He said, “Well, we're here now, so let's just look at these then, OK? I want you to pick out one that looks good to you." 

Willie looked at the photo in his hand, and then down at the dingy tile on the floor. What was he getting so freaked over? It was just porn. He reached for Leo's hand again. Leo held his hand but looked embarrassed. Willie let go. No one holds hands in porn shops. Willie cleared his throat. "Do we have to do everything in it?" 

Leo stared at him. "We don't have to do anything." After a minute he patted Willie's shoulder. "This is supposed to be a fun thing, you know? Don't stress about it." 

"I'm not," Willie lied. He wished Justin was here instead. Then they could discuss. It was hard to talk about this stuff with Leo, because it was too close to happening. Leo picked up a movie. Willie squinted at it anxiously. It was called Manservant. Willie's stomach turned over. Is that why Leo didn't want him to work any more? He bit his lip. 

Leo came and stood beside him again. "You don't see anything good?" Willie shook his head. Leo patted his back. "You wanna try another store?" 

"I kinda wanna go home," Willie said quietly. "When you're ready." 

Leo put his movie back on the rack and took Willie's hand. "C'mon, we'll go home." 

"You can get your movie." 

"I was only tryna make you join in pickin' stuff. Come on." They stopped and got Willie's bag of locker stuff and headed for the subway. Willie wondered if he'd screwed up. 

They didn't talk again until they were on the train, when Leo asked, “Can I see the picture from your locker? I didn’t get a look at it.” Willie handed it over, still blushing from the porn store. Leo had never seen him blush about porn before, so he didn't know what that was about. He looked at the photo and frowned, trying to place it. It was a polaroid of them in an industrial kitchen, like the cafeteria kitchen at work. But Willie had never been to the work cafeteria with him. They had winter jackets on. There was a Christmas wreath on a wall behind them. Suddenly it clicked. This was from Christmas Day, feeding the homeless. He didn’t remember any pictures though. He was standing with his arm around Willie’s shoulders, smiling in a friendly way at the camera, and Willie was looking at him. The camera had caught a look of naked adoration on Willie’s face. Jesus, Leo thought, how did I ever miss that? I remember he was eager to please, but I didn’t see that. Not till he knelt down and blew me. God, I bet the homeless people figured it out before I did. He 

considered that maybe it wasn’t so much that Willie was hypersensitive as that he was himself oblivious to shit. Willie looked vulnerable and skinny in the photo. He realized that when the picture was taken, they hadn’t been to bed yet. He looked awful happy for a guy with nothing better to do for Christmas. He’d been happy to be with Willie. He remembered how happy he’d been Christmas morning when he’d woken up and found Willie was still there. He smiled at Willie. “I love this picture.” 

“Me too.”  
“How’d you get it? They weren’t giving out pictures.”  
“Stole it from the church lady’s purse. Remember she was taking pictures for a newsletter?” 

“You stole from someone’s purse in a church on Christmas?”  
“Just a photo. That I was in. She had more, of other people.”  
Leo shrugged. He was kind of glad Willie had stolen it. “Can we put it in the dining room?” 

“Yeah.”  
“Wanna hear something I remember about that day?” “What?” 

“When I woke up, the first thing I did was check to see if you were still on the couch. I was hoping you didn’t wake up real early and sneak out. But you were there. And I made a cup of tea, and took it in the living room, and sat in the recliner and watched you sleep for like fifteen minutes.” 

“You did? Why?” 

“Cuz I wanted to just stare at you; I hadn’t seen you in so long, but when you were awake I couldn’t.” 

Willie looked down at his hands, smiling and still blushing. Leo kissed his cheek, and Willie looked surprised and pleased. A businessman across the aisle cleared his throat and raised his Wall Street Journal to block his view of them. Leo rolled his eyes to make Willie laugh. 

Back at the apartment, Leo put the kettle on. "You want cocoa or coffee, Willie?" 

"Oh, cocoa, thanks." 

Leo walked to the doorway and watched Willie thumbtacking the Christmas polaroid to the dining room wall. "We should get a frame for it," he said. 

"Well, now we'll know where it is when we find a frame," Willie answered. 

Leo heard the kettle and went back to the kitchen, but when he came back with the cocoa, Willie was gone. Frowning, he stuck his head in the living room, but it was dark and empty. Leo carried the mugs down the hallway to the bedroom. The door was shut. He kicked it open with his foot. Willie was lying on the bed, over the covers, in his stocking feet, with an afghan over him, staring bleakly out the window. Leo stood at the foot of the bed. "I got your cocoa." 

Willie didn't look at him. "Thanks." 

Leo put the mugs on the nightstand and lay down next to Willie and reached for his hand. Willie turned over and snuggled against him. Leo rubbed his back in big figure eights. "What's buggin' you, hon?" 

"I lost my fuckin' job." 

"Yeah. I think he woulda made you more miserable if you went back though. I don't think he's very nice. You deserve a better job." 

"But now I got no job." 

"You got the job of looking for another job. Jobhunting's your job. But you don't have to start until you feel like it." Willie sighed and pulled away a little. Leo propped himself up on his elbow and watched him for a minute. "Your cocoa's gettin' cold." He sipped at his own. Willie sighed again and sat up, leaning against the headboard. He held his hand out and Leo handed him his cocoa. "Let's talk about sex, Willie." There was a spluttering sound and then a gulp and a cough. Leo handed Willie a kleenex. "Did it go down the wrong way?" 

"Leo! Chrissake!"  
Leo smiled. "What?"  
"What? You! What? What's wrong?"  
Leo grabbed his hand. "Nothing's wrong. I just wanna talk about it. Y'know, check in."  
Willie took his hand back and clutched his cocoa mug to his chest. "Everything's fine!"  
Leo sat up. "How come you're so uptight?"  
"I'm not."  
"Since when don't you like porn stores?"  
Willie put his cocoa mug on the nightstand and lay down. "I'm tired. I'm taking a nap." He pulled the afghan over his head. Leo waited for him to realize how stupid that was. Five minutes went by, and Willie seemed unenlightened. Leo 

said, "Do you think I'll forget about it if you go to sleep? You're just making me more worried, that it's so big you can't tell me." 

The afghan flew back and hit Leo in the face. He pulled back, startled. Willie glared at him and pulled his pants down and rolled onto his stomach. "Fine!" he barked. "Go ahead! I can't even take a fucking nap! I can't even just start tomorrow!" 

Leo rubbed the small of his back. "What are you talkin' about, Willie? Start what tomorrow?" 

"Bein' your fuckin' slaveboy! Your fuckin' manservant! Now that I got no fucking job!" 

Leo listened to Willie's harsh breathing. Manservant was a funny word. He remembered the porn movie he'd picked up; had that been called Manservant? Something about servant. Willie must have obsessed on it. Leo would swear that Willie was grateful he'd turned down Tony's job offer for him. Willie hadn't even been able to look at Tony. And Leo didn't like the idea of it once he saw how disrespectful Tony was, and how Willie's face went all blank around him. Willie whined and wiggled. Leo patted his ass and said, "Good servants wait patiently." Why did Willie put himself through this stuff? Why couldn't he just pick a porn movie and say "I like this and this but not that" like normal people? He reminded himself that Willie hadn't been out of jail that long, that he wasn't used to having choices. He rubbed Willie's ass gently. He loved Willie's ass, so warm and firm and welcoming. Leo leaned down and kissed one rounded buttock. "Are you happy serving me, Willie?" 

"I can't get away," Willie whispered. He stretched his arms over his head and crossed his wrists. 

He'd done that before too. Leo figured it was about time to tie him up. He smiled to himself and got off the bed to get two old ties out of the closet. Willie whimpered again. "Wait for me, honey," Leo crooned. He crouched at the side of the bed and tied one of the ties to the slat along the side of the bed, looping it into a figure 8 and knotting it carefully. He positioned the loop halfway up the bed and did the same with the other tie on the other side. Then he knelt on the bed and pulled Willie's pants off his legs and threw them on the floor. 

Willie shivered a little. "Papi?" 

"It's OK. It won't hurt. I want you up on some pillows though. I want you to be very comfortable, cuz you're not gonna be able to get away, OK?" 

Willie made little excited noises and raised his hips. Leo smiled and petted his thighs and slid a couple of pillows beneath him, then added a towel for ease of cleanup. Willie said, "I won't move, Papi." 

Leo squeezed his arm. "I know, honey. I'm gonna tie your legs." 

Willie jerked up onto his elbows and whipped his head around anxiously and kicked his feet. Leo sat back on his heels and looked patient and waited. Willie looked into his eyes for a long minute, and then sighed softly. He put his head back down and spread his legs cooperatively. Leo gently pulled Willie's left leg over to the edge of the bed and slipped the loop of the tie over his ankle. He repeated the process with the right leg, and Willie moaned a little. Leo adjusted the ties up a little more, making sure Willie's knees weren't twisted. Willie grunted and pulled on the ties a little, then gasped when they held. He was very exposed, his ass high and spread. He couldn’t close his legs or get off the pillows without doing a one-handed pushup on the soft bed and pulling the pillows out from under himself. Leo considered that from a safety perspective, should he do the grotesque and have a heart attack on top of him or something gross like that, Willie could probably with patience and flexibility untie himself. Still, dead weight was heavy and he’d be upset and freaked out. He got Willie's knife from his bureau and put it within reach on the nightstand. Then he threw his clothes after Willie's and got into the bed. 

He trailed his hands along Willie’s thighs and butt and back, caressing and telling him how good he was. Willie trembled and whined incoherently. Leo lubed and massaged and spoke softly about beauty. Willie clutched at the sheets and ground himself against the pillows. Leo wrestled with the condom for a minute, his hands shaking a little, and added more lube. He positioned himself carefully, mindful of pressure points, and thrust firmly inside Willie's immobilized behind. Willie groaned, “Oh Leo,” like he was dying. Leo figured he was happy, then. It seemed odd, because Willie wasn’t moving against him, spreadeagled like he was, and there was little of that hairy leg interplay he liked. Leo was left to focus on how Willie felt spasming around his dick, so hot and tight. He loved Willie’s ass. He grinned and thought he could fuck this ass all day. Left on his own for rhythms, he improvised, switching between hard and fast and slow and gentle and changing his depth and angle. Willie was beside himself, gabbling away in at least two languages and possibly speaking in tongues with lots of moaning and the occasional shriek. Leo had never heard him shriek from this before. There was plenty of lube, and it didn’t sound in pain exactly, just like Willie was delirious. Leo was amazed. Who knew quiet purring Willie would be replaced by loud out of control slaveboy. He hadn’t realized how self-controlled Willie usually was. And all along he’d thought he was the uptight one. He tried to hold out as long as possible, to keep it going, 

but he looked over and saw the mirror, saw Willie looking at him in the mirror, and it was all over. Willie looked so intensely happy, so totally vulnerable and completely obscene that Leo knew coming was inevitable now. He managed a couple more strokes and then he was shuddering and grunting and pressing into Willie like he was tryna get his whole body up there. Willie was yelling oh god oh god over and over and tensing and spasming and clawing at the sheets. Leo collapsed on top of him and tried to catch his breath. His heart was racing and he didn’t have the strength to get up and pull out. He reached up or down, he couldn’t figure, and played with Willie’s hair. Willie was breathing hard, wheezing a little. Leo said, “Hey.” 

Willie said, "Oh god.”  
“It’s alright. You may just call me Leo. As a pet name.” 

He laughed. “Oh Leo.”  
“You want up? I’m just being lazy here.” “In a minute. My feet fell asleep.” “You’re incredibly beautiful, baby.” “Oh, Leo.”  
“You are. So gorgeous. So good.” “Wanna kiss you.” 

“OK, hold on.” Leo knelt up and pulled out as gently as he could, the slick suction sound seeming louder than usual. Everything seemed loud though. He got off the bed and sure enough could move the loops without dealing with knots. He slipped Willie’s foot through the loop and then walked around the bed to get the other foot free. Willie bent his knees, sighing and slowly pulled his legs together and groaned. Leo thought he might have found some new muscles. Leo sat down on the bed. “Roll to your left, honey.” Willie jounced off the pillows as if from a great height. Leo found a clean spot on the towel and wiped him down a little and dabbed at himself, then threw the towel towards the pile of laundry and the pillows on the floor. He lay down next to Willie and took him into his arms and kissed him for a long time. Willie snuggled up on top of him, kissing and saying little love words. Leo felt utterly calm and relaxed and floaty and love-filled. He thought he might be transparent. He hadn’t known Willie could take him here. It was like a whole new game level. 

“Willie.”  
“Yeah.”  
“I really fuckin’ love you.” 

“Me too.” 

Friday night, April 23rd 

Leo just wanted to go home to Willie and fuck him silly -- he had made a stupid little jingle of it in his head even -- so he blew off the whole Friday after work drink fest and just stopped at the deli for some beer. At the landing at the top of the stairs, he couldn't understand the sounds he was hearing through the apartment door, a muffled thumping and gasping in a bad rhythm, and he yelled "Willie?" as he turned his key in the lock. 

It took him a solid three seconds to understand what he was seeing -- the broad back of some man who had Willie up against the dining room wall and was punching him over and over. Some little machine in his mind remembered to put the sixpack on the table as he crossed the room, though he wasn't conscious of his feet even hitting the floor. He pulled the guy off Willie, kneed him in the crotch and punched him in the jaw as hard as he could, then turned in time to catch Willie as he slumped to the floor. Willie kicked at him feebly and Leo said, "Sweetheart, baby. Stop, I'm here now, honey." Willie forced his swollen eyes open and looked at him blearily, then pressed into him, leechlike and weeping. 

Leo held him close and looked down at the intruder, who was curled up like a comma on the floor, retching. He squinted and reached around Willie to flip the light switch on. "Bernie?" His cousin moaned. Leo hissed, "Oh shit. Oh man. I'm sorry." He started to extend his hand to Bernie and then realized he couldn't squat down while he was supporting Willie. Then he looked at Willie again, frowning. "What happened?" 

Willie sobbed against his shoulder. Bernie propped himself up on his hip and spat, "You fucking traitor!" 

Leo started to understand, and to feel a little shaky. He needed to sit down, and Willie -- he looked at Willie again -- Willie needed some help. He edged them over to the doorway and into the kitchen, where he helped Willie into a chair. Willie was still crying. Leo didn't think it was just from the beating. He wet some paper towel and did what he could to clean up Willie's face. There was blood from his nose, but once that was wiped up he didn't look too bad. He was gonna have a black eye for sure though. "Leo!" Willie sobbed. 

Leo stopped wiping and hugged him again. "I got you, honey."  
"I thought he was you! He had a key! I didn't know who he was!" 

He must have been terrified, Leo thought. He rubbed Willie's back and murmured and slowly felt along his ribs. Willie didn't cry out, so maybe nothing was broken. Leo hoped they could catch at least that much of a break. Willie 

kept leaning into his stomach and crying. Leo heard the floor creak behind him and half-turned to see his cousin looming in the doorway, looking furious. 

"Ain't that sweet?" Bernie sneered. "Fuck off," Leo said calmly.  
“Fuck you, Leo.”  
“You gonna beat the shit outta me too?” 

Bernie walked into the kitchen. “I oughta.” 

Leo rolled his eyes. "Don't make me hurt you. There's cold water in the fridge. Help yourself if you want some." Bernie helped himself to a beer. The sight of Willie's blood on Bernie's hands and shirt infuriated Leo, but he told himself to just calm down. Bernie was a little bit justified. Bernie had a good reason. Anyone unexpectedly coming upon their sister’s killer would attack him. Leo carefully disentangled himself from Willie and got them each a beer and sat down next to him. He looked up at Bernie, who was six feet tall now and broad. He was starting college in the fall. It wasn't surprising Willie hadn't recognized him at first. Bernie had been an adolescent when his sister died. Leo lit a cigarette, took a drag, and handed it to Willie. “So, what happened? You came over here to see me and found Willie instead and you wreaked some vengeance?” 

Bernie glared at Leo. He'd apparently decided Willie was invisible. “He said he lives here now. With you.” 

Leo nodded. “Yeah.” 

“Why?” 

“He’s my boyfriend.” 

Bernie’s jaw dropped. He spluttered. “You’re not gay!” 

“I am now. I’m in love with him.” Bernie was flushed and looked furious. Leo added, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t wanna hear that. It’s how I feel, though.” 

“He killed her!”  
“I know. And it was an accident. I forgave him.” 

“You got no right to!”  
“Sure I do. For me. You don’t have to forgive him.” 

“You loved her!”  
“I know. So did he, though.”  
“No, he just wanted her. He didn’t love her.” 

Willie mumbled, "I--" but Leo cut him off. "Shhh, honey. Lemme talk with Bernie, OK? OK, Bernie. You’re gonna see it your way no matter what we say. I understand that. But that doesn't change our feelings. And it doesn't change my feelings for you, either. I don't really expect you to approve of me being with him, but you're just gonna have to accept it." 

"Your feelings? How can you stand to touch him?" Bernie looked sick. "He tried to kill you, too!" 

Willie whimpered, and Leo soothed him again. He said very firmly, "That's all in the past, and the past is finished. That's over, Bernie." 

Bernie looked shocked. “You don’t even sound mad about it!” 

"I'm not mad about it. Being with him is the best thing that's happened to me in years." 

Bernie recoiled. His voice rose and he sounded weepy when he said, "What is this? Do you stay close to her by fucking her boyfriend? You think she'd want you to do that?" 

Leo stroked Willie's hair gently, feeling how tense he was. "It's not about her. Probably my whole thing for her was a way to be closer to Willie. I'm with him now, Bernie. You don't gotta like it." 

“My mother’s gonna disown you. I’m gonna have to tell her.” 

“I know. What about you, though?” 

“What do you mean?” 

Leo looked at his cousin. They'd grown closer over the years. That's why he had a key to the apartment. “You disowning me too?" 

“I can’t be under the same roof with him.” 

“I understand.”  
“And you won’t be welcome at the house.”  
“I know.”  
“And I’m leaving for college in the fall anyway.” 

“Right. So this is goodbye then.” “I guess.” Bernie sounded sad. 

Leo kissed Willie's temple and stood up. “Listen. I’m sorry I didn’t warn you he was here. I forgot you came over sometimes. I hadn’t seen you in awhile, and a lot was going on, and I just didn’t think of it. I didn’t mean for you to have a shock though.” 

Bernie took out his keyring and removed Leo’s housekeys from it. He put them on the table. “I won’t need these now.” He put his jacket on and stood up. 

Leo stood up too. “You got my cellphone number, right?” Bernie nodded. “Cuz if you needed to see me, I could come meet you somewhere, a bar or something.” 

“I’m too young for bars.” “A coffeeshop.” 

“Yeah, sure. You’d take your mouth off his dick long enough to answer the phone and then you could come meet me and pretend to care, Leo.” 

“I love you, Bernie.” 

“You don’t. Not that much. Or you wouldn’t have done this. I hope you really are happy with him, Leo, cuz he’s your fuckin’ family now.” Bernie walked out the door and slammed it behind him. Leo heard him thundering down the stairs. Willie jumped and whimpered. Leo rubbed his shoulder and then lit another cigarette and smoked it slowly. That was that, then. He was suddenly horribly lonely. There was no one to call. Pat and Tommy weren’t that close. Theresa didn’t wanna hear any more of his problems for awhile. Bernie hated him. And Willie was a bruised and hysterical mess. Leo suddenly realized that he hadn’t so much brought Willie into his life as he’d entered Willie’s lonely life with him. He shivered and stood up. Everything would look better tomorrow. 

"C'mon, baby. We're gonna get cleaned up and go to bed now." Willie stood obediently and followed Leo to the bathroom and under the warm shower spray. The shower got rid of the last of the blood, and Leo surveyed him carefully, feeling for any swelling or tender spots beyond the obvious. Willie flinched a little when Leo touched his back, and Leo found abrasions there. "What's that from?" 

"He pushed me against the wall," Willie whispered. Leo kissed them and then washed them carefully. "I'm sorry," Willie breathed. 

"Stop that, now," Leo said. "You didn't do anything. It's not your fault." "He didn't know I'd be here." 

Leo hugged him lightly. "OK. It's no one's fault, OK? It just happened. But it's definitely not your fault." He rinsed them both off and helped Willie out of the tub and dried them off cursorily. "Hop into bed, now." 

"What about you?" 

"I'm coming." Willie went into the bedroom and Leo cleaned up the shower stuff and put their clothes in the hamper. He was surprised when he got into bed that Willie took his hand and held it. They lay together without talking for a long time. Eventually the phone rang, and Leo realized he'd been waiting for it. He grabbed for it and listened to his aunt scream and curse. He considered trying to say something to her, to at least apologize and say goodbye. She'd been good to him since his mother had died, and his mother had loved her dearly. His aunt said he should never have been born. He hung up the phone and turned the ringer off. The phone in the kitchen rang again, but it wasn’t loud enough to bother getting up. Leo put his arm over his eyes. 

He was surprised when Willie broke the silence and asked, "That your aunt?" 

"Yeah." It was surprising, too, how choked up he sounded. He knew she was a bitch, a totally predictable bitch. 

"What'd she say?"  
"I shoulda never been born." 

"She's so wrong about that." Willie tugged on his arm, and Leo lowered it to see Willie looking at him sympathetically. Willie pulled him closer and Leo broke and curled into him, burying his face on Willie's shoulder and letting himself cry. 

"I was so scared to tell her," he whimpered. "I knew she would hate me. She always sorta hated me. Cuz I ruined my mother's life." He didn't know where all these tears were coming from. He'd thought he'd cried this all out already. He yelped in surprise when Willie slapped his ass sharply. 

"Don't talk like that, Leo. You can't fall for her bullshit. You didn't ruin your mother's life. And she hates everybody. She's an awful person. You were wasting your goodness on her." 

"She was my family!" 

Willie pulled on his hair. It hurt. Leo thought vaguely that Willie's comforting techniques needed some work, that smacking and hairpulling were not the best way. He raised his head and found Willie looking deeply into his eyes. "Did you mean what you wrote on the bank form? About partners?" Leo couldn't look away, didn't want to ever look away. He understood what the deer saw in the headlights now. They saw Willie's green and infinite eyes. He nodded. "OK, good, Leo. Then I'm your family now. You get that? I'm your family. You got a family. Stop worrying. You got me." Leo wondered if he sounded quite so condescending when he said comforting things, and decided he probably sounded worse. 

He threw his leg over Willie and said, "Mine."  
"You bet, papi."  
And that, Leo thought, was the most comforting thing of all. 


End file.
